REALITY IS OPTIONAL SUMMER E-ZINE
All the Dystopian Flowers
True History - Discovering how things "really" happened
by Aletheia, RePeter, Silvana, and Bodhi
How Edible Fruit Was Discovered
Dude tests fruit, gets dysentery from eating it, "nope, onto the next one."
How Clothes Were Named
Some guy named David Es was sewing cloth, accidentally sewed it to his arm, added his last name to the end of cloth, wham bam we now have clothes :DDDD
The History of Bananas
Bananas (noun) were discovered in the year -1 A.D. For a very long period of time, specifically from when they were discovered to 2019, they were called elongated lemons, but the name was changed when a college professor named Professor Professorson actually did eat an elongated lemon, and due to the levels of tartness, yelled “ahh.. Ahh.. ahh…. BANANA” because he was weird and that’s how weird people sneeze.
Then people began calling the Elongated Lemon a Banana, and it soon spread until the dictionary officially renamed the fruit and Professor Professorson became the most famous person in the world. He now lives in Professerson Castle, on Mars, and eats bananas until he explodes from being very fat.
The History of Kiwis
There was a girl named Kiki Wawehwul, one day decided to go on a hike. She was 15 and had black hair and umber eyes and loved nature. She walked up a hill for some weird reason cause she wanted to. It was a fuzzy brown hill, that appeared to be covered in short cattails. It was very itchy, but she continued to walk. She felt a sting and a rash on her ankles. Curious of what could possibly be underneath her she then decided to dig a hole and found an acidic green center to the hill. She decided to grab a handful and put it in her mouth. But she was very allergic and got hives. She named it a Kiwi, a combination of her first and last name. Although she was still in the hospital to this day
The History of Dying
Dying was invented in 13666 BC when a guy named Gerald A La Mopbucket invented it. At that time everyone was an Immortal. Until Gerald, who was 207 years old. (Which is relatively young) decided to go to the museum. Locked up behind bars was the globe of immortality. Since he was dumb he decided to touch it. Somehow he managed to get through security and the laser beams. Since it was very delicate, it cracked and turned Immortality into Morality. So since he was so old he died. Along with 99+% of the population. So that is how dying was invented. And how mops were invented too.
The History of Dying - part 2 (alternate history)
Death was invented in 1799. Before then, literally every single person that was born existed forever. In fact, people were very very upset about this immortality development, because it was such a burden to have to exist forever. So the world got together and started having a rant at the life/death help center for the elderly and youth. Eventually, they demanded someone named Grim (who was a super dope dude), and Grim came out and was like, “y’all hate this burden of existence? Fine! I’ll kill you!” But it was fine because Grim was a dope dude so he wasn’t evil. But the people were like, nooo I want to live but Grim said, you just interrupted my Minecraft session. I know it’s 1799 and that game hasn’t been invented yet, but still! And he killed everyone except for two people and made those two people mortal. So in the end, all were happy except for everyone that was not Grim because they were dead. And Grim had to play Minecraft without his friends.
The History of Burials
Burials were invented in the year -10000000000 when the gods decided everyone was getting too cramped down on earth with nowhere to put the corpses and everything stunk, so they decided to throw some dead trees down there until the hoomans figured out how to make boxes to bury the bodies
The History of Houses
Houses were invented when some dude was sitting at home in his house, and then he was wondering that there should be such a thing as a place to live called a house. So he got up and walked through the door and into the forest, then cut down trees and built the first ever cabin. So yeah now houses exist. Epic bro. The end.
The History of Sheds
People started putting sheds in the backyard when Willa Shiedd found that keeping dirty garden implements and wood for fires in the house was absolutely NOT a good idea, so she shoved alll the tools into a little house the construction crew had accidentally made when they didn't read the proportions to the actual house correctly. She was unfortunately a very bad speller and when submitting her idea to the Universal Guild Of You-Will-Totally-Get-Credited Inventors misspelled her own name.
The History of Pets
One day some lady was walking outside, and she saw a dog. So she kidnapped the dog and put it in a garbage bag and brought it to her house. But the neighbours did not find this disturbing because, frankly, the dog was cute. So, after the lady made sure to record an unboxing video where she took the dog out of the bag (because it’s impossible to survive without constantly making clickbait YouTube videos), she named the dog Frank Lee. His first name was Frank Lee, and his last name was The Dog Was Cute. Because the neighbours said: “frankly, the dog was cute”. So pets exist now. Amazing.
The History of the Decoration Pillow
the decoration pillow, a historical recounting. Back in the year 4000 BCE someone named insert name here got some pillows and everything was cool. unfortunately, Insert’s cousin liked math, so they multiplied the pillows over and over again and then put them all on the bed and Insert didn’t notice and the style caught on
The History of Homes part 2 (an alternate history)
There was this man who was walking in a forest and then decided that he didn’t want to walk in the forest anymore. So he decided he would sit in the forest. So he sat down. But then he got wet because it was raining and there was mud on the forest floor. So he decided to invent something called a chair. So he cut down a tree. Then it became a chair because that’s how life works. He sat down on his chair. He then noticed that there was still mud on the floor and his feet could still feel it. So then he got the brilliant idea to create an actual floor. He got some leaves and turned them into a carpet because that’s how nature works. Then the rain turned into a thunderstorm. He got struck by lightning. He became very annoyed and decided to get some water and turn it into a roof. Because that’s how physics works. Then a grizzly bear came and mauled him until he was bleeding. Then he decided to create a wall. He ate the grizzly bear and spit him out, turning his fur into walls. Because that’s the food chain. Then a
tornado came and so did a hurricane. Then he decided to get some sand (glass is heated sand) & sculpt it and some mud & turn it into a window which dried immediately because that’s how time works. Then his twin entered the shack. In his opinion, it was the worst thing that had happened today. Out of anger, some rope appeared in his hand appeared because that’s how magic works & tied his twin up and turned her into a door using his powers. Because that’s how superpowers work. So that’s how homes were invented. Be grateful.
The History of Science
Science is many things. some things about are uncool and not rad, like dusting bones, but the only reason we have science is to get hover boards. Why do we have none? that is the reason for science. Back to the future said we’d have them by 2015. Do you know how many years it’s been since then. A lot. So the conclusion is science is incomplete until it makes hover boards.
The History of Science Part 2 (an Alternate History)
Science was invented when some dude decided that there had to be a way to explain how things were. So he went out and made a designated building for doing this new science thing. But then everyone thought he was a witch and burned him to death. Because people did that before.
The History of Math
Math was invented when a very very mean person decided that school wasn't hard enough, and made these things called numbers. they stuck, and now we have to learn them :((((((((((((
The History of Calculus
There was a boy named A.P Calculus. Annoying Person Calculus & his best friend Jewel Geology that day the 7th grade went on a field trip to the Griffith Woods candy factory. A.P Calculus decided to visit the office instead of indulging in candy like the rest of the grade. Jewel was interested in this thing called rock candy, then it hit her. She could create an actual rock an inedible rock. Also never eat rocks. A.P Calculus hated candy and loathed the other 7th graders. Then before they left the factory they were tasked with creating a kind of candy. But Jewel & A.P Calculus decided to do something else instead. Jewel pretended to create rock candy but create 3 kinds of candy (rocks). A.P Calculus then decided to do math instead. Then he yelled, “I created a square root.” & then the jr high teachers fell in love with it and forced their students to do math, science & humanities instead of visiting candy factories like elementary students. And to this day, no one likes Calculus or doing it, not even Jewel, his only friend decided to ditch him for geology, gemstones & rocks. Because they rock.
Dude tests fruit, gets dysentery from eating it, "nope, onto the next one."
How Clothes Were Named
Some guy named David Es was sewing cloth, accidentally sewed it to his arm, added his last name to the end of cloth, wham bam we now have clothes :DDDD
The History of Bananas
Bananas (noun) were discovered in the year -1 A.D. For a very long period of time, specifically from when they were discovered to 2019, they were called elongated lemons, but the name was changed when a college professor named Professor Professorson actually did eat an elongated lemon, and due to the levels of tartness, yelled “ahh.. Ahh.. ahh…. BANANA” because he was weird and that’s how weird people sneeze.
Then people began calling the Elongated Lemon a Banana, and it soon spread until the dictionary officially renamed the fruit and Professor Professorson became the most famous person in the world. He now lives in Professerson Castle, on Mars, and eats bananas until he explodes from being very fat.
The History of Kiwis
There was a girl named Kiki Wawehwul, one day decided to go on a hike. She was 15 and had black hair and umber eyes and loved nature. She walked up a hill for some weird reason cause she wanted to. It was a fuzzy brown hill, that appeared to be covered in short cattails. It was very itchy, but she continued to walk. She felt a sting and a rash on her ankles. Curious of what could possibly be underneath her she then decided to dig a hole and found an acidic green center to the hill. She decided to grab a handful and put it in her mouth. But she was very allergic and got hives. She named it a Kiwi, a combination of her first and last name. Although she was still in the hospital to this day
The History of Dying
Dying was invented in 13666 BC when a guy named Gerald A La Mopbucket invented it. At that time everyone was an Immortal. Until Gerald, who was 207 years old. (Which is relatively young) decided to go to the museum. Locked up behind bars was the globe of immortality. Since he was dumb he decided to touch it. Somehow he managed to get through security and the laser beams. Since it was very delicate, it cracked and turned Immortality into Morality. So since he was so old he died. Along with 99+% of the population. So that is how dying was invented. And how mops were invented too.
The History of Dying - part 2 (alternate history)
Death was invented in 1799. Before then, literally every single person that was born existed forever. In fact, people were very very upset about this immortality development, because it was such a burden to have to exist forever. So the world got together and started having a rant at the life/death help center for the elderly and youth. Eventually, they demanded someone named Grim (who was a super dope dude), and Grim came out and was like, “y’all hate this burden of existence? Fine! I’ll kill you!” But it was fine because Grim was a dope dude so he wasn’t evil. But the people were like, nooo I want to live but Grim said, you just interrupted my Minecraft session. I know it’s 1799 and that game hasn’t been invented yet, but still! And he killed everyone except for two people and made those two people mortal. So in the end, all were happy except for everyone that was not Grim because they were dead. And Grim had to play Minecraft without his friends.
The History of Burials
Burials were invented in the year -10000000000 when the gods decided everyone was getting too cramped down on earth with nowhere to put the corpses and everything stunk, so they decided to throw some dead trees down there until the hoomans figured out how to make boxes to bury the bodies
The History of Houses
Houses were invented when some dude was sitting at home in his house, and then he was wondering that there should be such a thing as a place to live called a house. So he got up and walked through the door and into the forest, then cut down trees and built the first ever cabin. So yeah now houses exist. Epic bro. The end.
The History of Sheds
People started putting sheds in the backyard when Willa Shiedd found that keeping dirty garden implements and wood for fires in the house was absolutely NOT a good idea, so she shoved alll the tools into a little house the construction crew had accidentally made when they didn't read the proportions to the actual house correctly. She was unfortunately a very bad speller and when submitting her idea to the Universal Guild Of You-Will-Totally-Get-Credited Inventors misspelled her own name.
The History of Pets
One day some lady was walking outside, and she saw a dog. So she kidnapped the dog and put it in a garbage bag and brought it to her house. But the neighbours did not find this disturbing because, frankly, the dog was cute. So, after the lady made sure to record an unboxing video where she took the dog out of the bag (because it’s impossible to survive without constantly making clickbait YouTube videos), she named the dog Frank Lee. His first name was Frank Lee, and his last name was The Dog Was Cute. Because the neighbours said: “frankly, the dog was cute”. So pets exist now. Amazing.
The History of the Decoration Pillow
the decoration pillow, a historical recounting. Back in the year 4000 BCE someone named insert name here got some pillows and everything was cool. unfortunately, Insert’s cousin liked math, so they multiplied the pillows over and over again and then put them all on the bed and Insert didn’t notice and the style caught on
The History of Homes part 2 (an alternate history)
There was this man who was walking in a forest and then decided that he didn’t want to walk in the forest anymore. So he decided he would sit in the forest. So he sat down. But then he got wet because it was raining and there was mud on the forest floor. So he decided to invent something called a chair. So he cut down a tree. Then it became a chair because that’s how life works. He sat down on his chair. He then noticed that there was still mud on the floor and his feet could still feel it. So then he got the brilliant idea to create an actual floor. He got some leaves and turned them into a carpet because that’s how nature works. Then the rain turned into a thunderstorm. He got struck by lightning. He became very annoyed and decided to get some water and turn it into a roof. Because that’s how physics works. Then a grizzly bear came and mauled him until he was bleeding. Then he decided to create a wall. He ate the grizzly bear and spit him out, turning his fur into walls. Because that’s the food chain. Then a
tornado came and so did a hurricane. Then he decided to get some sand (glass is heated sand) & sculpt it and some mud & turn it into a window which dried immediately because that’s how time works. Then his twin entered the shack. In his opinion, it was the worst thing that had happened today. Out of anger, some rope appeared in his hand appeared because that’s how magic works & tied his twin up and turned her into a door using his powers. Because that’s how superpowers work. So that’s how homes were invented. Be grateful.
The History of Science
Science is many things. some things about are uncool and not rad, like dusting bones, but the only reason we have science is to get hover boards. Why do we have none? that is the reason for science. Back to the future said we’d have them by 2015. Do you know how many years it’s been since then. A lot. So the conclusion is science is incomplete until it makes hover boards.
The History of Science Part 2 (an Alternate History)
Science was invented when some dude decided that there had to be a way to explain how things were. So he went out and made a designated building for doing this new science thing. But then everyone thought he was a witch and burned him to death. Because people did that before.
The History of Math
Math was invented when a very very mean person decided that school wasn't hard enough, and made these things called numbers. they stuck, and now we have to learn them :((((((((((((
The History of Calculus
There was a boy named A.P Calculus. Annoying Person Calculus & his best friend Jewel Geology that day the 7th grade went on a field trip to the Griffith Woods candy factory. A.P Calculus decided to visit the office instead of indulging in candy like the rest of the grade. Jewel was interested in this thing called rock candy, then it hit her. She could create an actual rock an inedible rock. Also never eat rocks. A.P Calculus hated candy and loathed the other 7th graders. Then before they left the factory they were tasked with creating a kind of candy. But Jewel & A.P Calculus decided to do something else instead. Jewel pretended to create rock candy but create 3 kinds of candy (rocks). A.P Calculus then decided to do math instead. Then he yelled, “I created a square root.” & then the jr high teachers fell in love with it and forced their students to do math, science & humanities instead of visiting candy factories like elementary students. And to this day, no one likes Calculus or doing it, not even Jewel, his only friend decided to ditch him for geology, gemstones & rocks. Because they rock.
Said the Stars
A Short Story by Peter Katsnelson
Liam’s reality was just that: a reality. It was nothing else, and it never was, and it never will be. It will stay the same forever, as a boring, dull, easy, and uneventful strand of reality. It was about time that Liam came to terms with this unsettling fact, especially since he had lived his entire life believing that there was more to life.
In fact, after nine years of living the same day back and forth, again and again, Liam decided that, although being incredibly easy, his life was a boring one. Once in a while a small unplanned event would come along, and Liam would be thankful for the small grain of difference, and it would leave and he would go along with his life.
He told himself that sitting there all day and doing the same thing over and over again was okay, that it wasn’t a big deal and he’d always have tomorrow, and deep down he knew this was simply untrue but his need to have interest in his life pushed that thought away. Well, one night Liam actually decided to do something about it. He walked his bike out of the driveway and observed near-identical suburban houses that went on for what seemed like forever, and then got on his bike and pedaled out of the neighbourhood.
He biked and biked, and he moved and moved, until the houses slowly disappeared behind him and he was alone in a large grass field. Laying his bike gently on the calmly swaying grass, he sat down cross-legged on the small hill and looked up at the darkening sky. A world of brightness and flickering starlight empowered the sky. Liam leaned back, his eyes closed, and said quietly, both to himself and to anyone in the world that was willing to listen,
“Sky, stars, please make my life different. Make my reality interesting.”
“Liam, it is not us that can control the events that unfold in your reality,” said the Stars. “To be truthful, nobody can.”
And that was that. Liam lay there with his eyes closed. There is a character, and there is a reader. The character lay there in the grass, and the reader sat there in their chair, and both slowly realized that they were the same, that the character was inside the reader and the reader was inside the character, and ever since the reader began to read the story, they realized that they had always been the same.
And the stars said, both to Liam and the reader, “This is not a bad thing.”
And the stars said, “Nobody is ever truly in control. You are living in a reality.”
And the stars said, “You are living a life like you are reading the story. Both are the same.”
And the stars said, “Once you finish, the universe will continue living. The world will keep spinning. Society will continue beginning. And reality will constantly be continuing.”
And the stars said, “There is no end to time. Our reality is nothing but a speck compared to the infinity of time, and that it is so small we can consider it optional. Reality is optional, but you are much bigger than reality: you are infinite, even if it may not seem so now. You are much more than your reality. Much more than your body. You are limitless.”
In fact, after nine years of living the same day back and forth, again and again, Liam decided that, although being incredibly easy, his life was a boring one. Once in a while a small unplanned event would come along, and Liam would be thankful for the small grain of difference, and it would leave and he would go along with his life.
He told himself that sitting there all day and doing the same thing over and over again was okay, that it wasn’t a big deal and he’d always have tomorrow, and deep down he knew this was simply untrue but his need to have interest in his life pushed that thought away. Well, one night Liam actually decided to do something about it. He walked his bike out of the driveway and observed near-identical suburban houses that went on for what seemed like forever, and then got on his bike and pedaled out of the neighbourhood.
He biked and biked, and he moved and moved, until the houses slowly disappeared behind him and he was alone in a large grass field. Laying his bike gently on the calmly swaying grass, he sat down cross-legged on the small hill and looked up at the darkening sky. A world of brightness and flickering starlight empowered the sky. Liam leaned back, his eyes closed, and said quietly, both to himself and to anyone in the world that was willing to listen,
“Sky, stars, please make my life different. Make my reality interesting.”
“Liam, it is not us that can control the events that unfold in your reality,” said the Stars. “To be truthful, nobody can.”
And that was that. Liam lay there with his eyes closed. There is a character, and there is a reader. The character lay there in the grass, and the reader sat there in their chair, and both slowly realized that they were the same, that the character was inside the reader and the reader was inside the character, and ever since the reader began to read the story, they realized that they had always been the same.
And the stars said, both to Liam and the reader, “This is not a bad thing.”
And the stars said, “Nobody is ever truly in control. You are living in a reality.”
And the stars said, “You are living a life like you are reading the story. Both are the same.”
And the stars said, “Once you finish, the universe will continue living. The world will keep spinning. Society will continue beginning. And reality will constantly be continuing.”
And the stars said, “There is no end to time. Our reality is nothing but a speck compared to the infinity of time, and that it is so small we can consider it optional. Reality is optional, but you are much bigger than reality: you are infinite, even if it may not seem so now. You are much more than your reality. Much more than your body. You are limitless.”
Dr. Foot
a screenplay by Eli Smart
INT. THE HOME OF DR. FOOT - DAY
DR. FOOT. A doctor with black hair down to their neck and a nice labcoat slams the door. They pull out Their hand to reveal NURSE HANDTON. The dr’s nose flairs and clenches their fist (their other hand)
DR. FOOT
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS BABY. THE PACIENT DIED
NURSE HANDTON
THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD DO!!!
DR. FOOT
THEY WERE JUST A CHILD
NURSE HANDTON
They- they were 34
DR. FOOT
A CHILD!!!!
NURSE HANDTON
Well it’s ok. We’ll tell the family tonight and give them our condolences
DR. FOOT
Nurse handton.... WE were the family
NURSE HANDTON
Wha- What??
DR. FOOT
That patient... WAS OUR CHILD
NURSE HANDTON
THEY WERE 34
DR. FOOT
OUR CHILD!!!!
NURSE HANDTON
I didn’t even know we had theM!!!
DR. FOOT
Well I knew. And I loved him like I loved you. But just like him.... OUR LOVE IS GONE.
NURSE HANDTON
Dr. Foot!!! We can talk about this!!
DR. FOOT
NO. NEVER!!! I AM IN AGONY
Dr foot clenches their hand again
NURSE HANDTON
Baby ow-
DR. FOOT
Heck sorry babe
Dear Diary
LIFE SUCKS!! I have to go to SCHOOL instead of going to the pond to be with my people. The kids at school are SOOOOO ANNOYING!!! All they do is chew very loudly and make fun of each other. When you’re a duck you don’t get laughed at by ANYBODY. You sit there and swim all day. Today I tried to embrace my inner duck by wearing a duck costume. AND THEY ALL THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD!!! Except for Carla, Carla is my friend, and she supports me in being a duck. BUT SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE A DUCK WITH ME!!! These fools don’t know the greatness of being a beautiful yellow ducky swimming around and looking cute!!!! So, I hid my duck costume away. I’ll be a duck one day. Then these fools will be the one at the other end of the laugh when ducks take over the world and make all land on earth swimmable ponds!!!!! MWAHAHAHHAHA Gn!!!
DR. FOOT. A doctor with black hair down to their neck and a nice labcoat slams the door. They pull out Their hand to reveal NURSE HANDTON. The dr’s nose flairs and clenches their fist (their other hand)
DR. FOOT
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS BABY. THE PACIENT DIED
NURSE HANDTON
THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD DO!!!
DR. FOOT
THEY WERE JUST A CHILD
NURSE HANDTON
They- they were 34
DR. FOOT
A CHILD!!!!
NURSE HANDTON
Well it’s ok. We’ll tell the family tonight and give them our condolences
DR. FOOT
Nurse handton.... WE were the family
NURSE HANDTON
Wha- What??
DR. FOOT
That patient... WAS OUR CHILD
NURSE HANDTON
THEY WERE 34
DR. FOOT
OUR CHILD!!!!
NURSE HANDTON
I didn’t even know we had theM!!!
DR. FOOT
Well I knew. And I loved him like I loved you. But just like him.... OUR LOVE IS GONE.
NURSE HANDTON
Dr. Foot!!! We can talk about this!!
DR. FOOT
NO. NEVER!!! I AM IN AGONY
Dr foot clenches their hand again
NURSE HANDTON
Baby ow-
DR. FOOT
Heck sorry babe
Dear Diary
LIFE SUCKS!! I have to go to SCHOOL instead of going to the pond to be with my people. The kids at school are SOOOOO ANNOYING!!! All they do is chew very loudly and make fun of each other. When you’re a duck you don’t get laughed at by ANYBODY. You sit there and swim all day. Today I tried to embrace my inner duck by wearing a duck costume. AND THEY ALL THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD!!! Except for Carla, Carla is my friend, and she supports me in being a duck. BUT SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE A DUCK WITH ME!!! These fools don’t know the greatness of being a beautiful yellow ducky swimming around and looking cute!!!! So, I hid my duck costume away. I’ll be a duck one day. Then these fools will be the one at the other end of the laugh when ducks take over the world and make all land on earth swimmable ponds!!!!! MWAHAHAHHAHA Gn!!!