RIO's February E-Zine
Helping the Helpless and other Useful THINGS.
How Do You Do That????
How To Wash Your Hands by Olive DiCintio, Jessica Chen, and Alexis Kelly
1. Acquire need to wash hands.
2. Acquire faucet/sink.
3. Lift hand/turn handles.
4. Lower hands under water.
5. Scream at the temperature.
6. Adjust faucets.
7. Realize water is still wrong.
8. Scream.
9. Give up and use Purell©
10. Scream at hand sanitizer revealing a paper cut.
How to Drink – Pre-poured (Basic) by Lelainna Dahl, Mary Innes, and Angie Giffin
1. Grasp cup firmly.
2. Lift cup off surface towards face. (Slowly. We don’t want any spills).
3. Open mouth and place cup to lower lip.
4. Pour liquid slowly into mouth until full.
5. Swallow said liquid.
6. Repeat from step 3 until the cup is empty.
7. Place cup back on surface.
8. Let go of cup.
How to Drink Coke© (Advanced) by Emily Firmston, Hannah Gallop, and Emma Train
1. Walk into kitchen
2. Walk to fridge (left, right, left, right . . .)
3. Lift right hand
4. Put hand around handle
5. Pull
6. Let go of handle
7. Rise hand
8. Put hand around Coke©
9. Pick up
10. Move away from fridge
11. Pull out chair.
12. Sit down
13. Put hand on top of Coke©
14. Pull up tab thing
15. Let go of tab
16. Put hand around Coke©
17. Lift up
18. Move hand towards mouth
19. Open mouth
20. Take a sip, then swallow.
21. Put down Coke©, close mouth.
22. Open mouth again.
23. Burp.
24. Repeat steps 16 – 23 over and over again until can is empty.
How to Jump Off a Building by Jett Halliday–Oickle and Robin Bowering
1. Put your left leg up and put it on one step. Then right foot on step two and so on until you are on the roof.
2. Walk to the edge.
3. Wait for attention.
4. Wait for another person to come up to the roof.
5. Throw him off the building to see how far down it is.
6. Then jump off and die.
*The editor would like to note that death is not certain due to the undeclared height of the building. Your results may vary.
1. Acquire need to wash hands.
2. Acquire faucet/sink.
3. Lift hand/turn handles.
4. Lower hands under water.
5. Scream at the temperature.
6. Adjust faucets.
7. Realize water is still wrong.
8. Scream.
9. Give up and use Purell©
10. Scream at hand sanitizer revealing a paper cut.
How to Drink – Pre-poured (Basic) by Lelainna Dahl, Mary Innes, and Angie Giffin
1. Grasp cup firmly.
2. Lift cup off surface towards face. (Slowly. We don’t want any spills).
3. Open mouth and place cup to lower lip.
4. Pour liquid slowly into mouth until full.
5. Swallow said liquid.
6. Repeat from step 3 until the cup is empty.
7. Place cup back on surface.
8. Let go of cup.
How to Drink Coke© (Advanced) by Emily Firmston, Hannah Gallop, and Emma Train
1. Walk into kitchen
2. Walk to fridge (left, right, left, right . . .)
3. Lift right hand
4. Put hand around handle
5. Pull
6. Let go of handle
7. Rise hand
8. Put hand around Coke©
9. Pick up
10. Move away from fridge
11. Pull out chair.
12. Sit down
13. Put hand on top of Coke©
14. Pull up tab thing
15. Let go of tab
16. Put hand around Coke©
17. Lift up
18. Move hand towards mouth
19. Open mouth
20. Take a sip, then swallow.
21. Put down Coke©, close mouth.
22. Open mouth again.
23. Burp.
24. Repeat steps 16 – 23 over and over again until can is empty.
How to Jump Off a Building by Jett Halliday–Oickle and Robin Bowering
1. Put your left leg up and put it on one step. Then right foot on step two and so on until you are on the roof.
2. Walk to the edge.
3. Wait for attention.
4. Wait for another person to come up to the roof.
5. Throw him off the building to see how far down it is.
6. Then jump off and die.
*The editor would like to note that death is not certain due to the undeclared height of the building. Your results may vary.
Petrosaur – Chapter 3 - Getting Started by Emma Train
“Okay, let’s go!” said Oscar enthusiastically, preparing for flight.
“What are you doing?”
Bosco’s confusion puzzled Oscar. “Excuse me, I’m migrating. What are you doing?”
“I thought we were going to swim. Oh, yes, we can change our rought and our plans completely just so we can do whatever you want, Oscar,” Bosco snorted sarcastically.
“SWIM?” Oscar was startled. “We’re petrosaurs, Bosco. We can’t swim!”
“Well, it’s worth a shot!” Bosco said, leaping for the water.
“Don’t! You’ll drown!” hissed Oscar clutching Bosco by the scruff of the neck. “You’re going to kill yourself one of these days,” sighed Oscar, looking away.
Bosco wriggled out of Oscar’s grip and grunted, “You can fly if you want to, but I’m going to swim.”
Oscar gritted his teeth. “Fine then. Oh, and by the way – ARE YOU NUTS?!” Oscar exploded.
There was a long pause.
“Yes,” replied Bosco.
Another pause.
“Were flying,” said Oscar gruffly.
“Swimming,” replied Bosco.
“Flying!!” Oscar pointed to one of his wings. “What do you think these are for?”
Bosco paused for thought. “We can paddle with them,” came Bosco’s sure fire answer.
Oscar’s face was turning red with frustration. “Okay, brain-trust, we’ll swim. Let’s see how much you like it when you get eaten by a liopleurodon.”
Bosco looked at the water thoughtfully. “On second thought, let’s fly,” he said.
“Reverse psychology,” grinned Oscar. “Works every time.”
So the two set off and within hours, they had left the rock terrain of the beach. Overhead the outline of the distant coast was on the horizon.
“What are you doing?”
Bosco’s confusion puzzled Oscar. “Excuse me, I’m migrating. What are you doing?”
“I thought we were going to swim. Oh, yes, we can change our rought and our plans completely just so we can do whatever you want, Oscar,” Bosco snorted sarcastically.
“SWIM?” Oscar was startled. “We’re petrosaurs, Bosco. We can’t swim!”
“Well, it’s worth a shot!” Bosco said, leaping for the water.
“Don’t! You’ll drown!” hissed Oscar clutching Bosco by the scruff of the neck. “You’re going to kill yourself one of these days,” sighed Oscar, looking away.
Bosco wriggled out of Oscar’s grip and grunted, “You can fly if you want to, but I’m going to swim.”
Oscar gritted his teeth. “Fine then. Oh, and by the way – ARE YOU NUTS?!” Oscar exploded.
There was a long pause.
“Yes,” replied Bosco.
Another pause.
“Were flying,” said Oscar gruffly.
“Swimming,” replied Bosco.
“Flying!!” Oscar pointed to one of his wings. “What do you think these are for?”
Bosco paused for thought. “We can paddle with them,” came Bosco’s sure fire answer.
Oscar’s face was turning red with frustration. “Okay, brain-trust, we’ll swim. Let’s see how much you like it when you get eaten by a liopleurodon.”
Bosco looked at the water thoughtfully. “On second thought, let’s fly,” he said.
“Reverse psychology,” grinned Oscar. “Works every time.”
So the two set off and within hours, they had left the rock terrain of the beach. Overhead the outline of the distant coast was on the horizon.
A Collection of Poems written on a Cellphone by Mary Innes
Backsliders
I am unshaven and smelly
I am empty cupboards and starvation
I am deprivation, and death, and despair
I am alone and lonely
I am stonewalls and glass ceilings
I am so used to trauma that it seems normal
I am garbage and inhumanity
I am also friendship and alliance
I fight cow statues
I make judges laugh so hard that
They cannot conduct my hearing
I get followed by customs beagles
I laugh at old school thinking
Then I get murdered in alleys
Pawned off for money
Ignored by governments
I will not live as long as you because
I am treated more like a dog
Than a person
To be kicked then expected to
Beg for food
Who am I?
I am poverty.
Choose your Poison
Choose your poison.
Love?
She will draw you in with her ephemeral beauty,
Then laugh like a thousand bells
As she betrays you
Knowledge?
He will tempt you with promises and secrets,
Then scoff as you discover
Unknown cruelties in his depths.
Wealth?
He glistens and shimmers, enticing in the gold light,
But looks on unmoved when you discover
Money cannot buy happiness.
Now then, choose your poison.
Today the Gods
Today the gods are marching, marching, marching.
Today the gods are marching, but no one knows where.
Today the gods are flying, flying, flying.
Today the gods are flying, but no one knows how.
Today the gods are chanting, chanting, chanting.
Today the gods are chanting, but no one knows what.
Today the gods are fighting, fighting, fighting.
Today the gods are fighting, but no one knows why.
Today the gods are grieving, grieving, grieving.
Today the gods are grieving, but no one knows for whom.
Today the Gods, Part Two
The gods are marching to war,
Marching, marching.
The gods are flying with magic
Flying, flying.
The gods are chanting war songs
Chanting, chanting.
The gods are fighting jotuns
Jotuns, jotuns.
The gods are grieving for themselves
Grieving, grieving
I am unshaven and smelly
I am empty cupboards and starvation
I am deprivation, and death, and despair
I am alone and lonely
I am stonewalls and glass ceilings
I am so used to trauma that it seems normal
I am garbage and inhumanity
I am also friendship and alliance
I fight cow statues
I make judges laugh so hard that
They cannot conduct my hearing
I get followed by customs beagles
I laugh at old school thinking
Then I get murdered in alleys
Pawned off for money
Ignored by governments
I will not live as long as you because
I am treated more like a dog
Than a person
To be kicked then expected to
Beg for food
Who am I?
I am poverty.
Choose your Poison
Choose your poison.
Love?
She will draw you in with her ephemeral beauty,
Then laugh like a thousand bells
As she betrays you
Knowledge?
He will tempt you with promises and secrets,
Then scoff as you discover
Unknown cruelties in his depths.
Wealth?
He glistens and shimmers, enticing in the gold light,
But looks on unmoved when you discover
Money cannot buy happiness.
Now then, choose your poison.
Today the Gods
Today the gods are marching, marching, marching.
Today the gods are marching, but no one knows where.
Today the gods are flying, flying, flying.
Today the gods are flying, but no one knows how.
Today the gods are chanting, chanting, chanting.
Today the gods are chanting, but no one knows what.
Today the gods are fighting, fighting, fighting.
Today the gods are fighting, but no one knows why.
Today the gods are grieving, grieving, grieving.
Today the gods are grieving, but no one knows for whom.
Today the Gods, Part Two
The gods are marching to war,
Marching, marching.
The gods are flying with magic
Flying, flying.
The gods are chanting war songs
Chanting, chanting.
The gods are fighting jotuns
Jotuns, jotuns.
The gods are grieving for themselves
Grieving, grieving
Acrostic Cell Phone Poetry by Robin Bowering
Hey Kim,
A.) I would love to start a gaming reviews section (as of late it's been half my life as none of my friends seem to be able to withstand the unbridled power of my mind)
B.) I would like to buy a rio t-shirt
C.) What colour would the flames be if you set a unicorn on fire
D.) Bring pie so I can smash it in someone's face :D
E.) Easter eggs: scrambled or sunny side up
F.) Don't deep fry a Prius it tastes horrible
G.) I'm ranting I need to work on that
H.) Hanukah: just eight Christmases in a row?
I.) The Internet: just a conspiracy I say
J.) The jelly beans are poisoned! Don't eat them!
K.) I'll kill the man that invented sleep deprivation
L.) Never lie to me. I'll know it and eat so much uranium, I'll explode the world
M.) Mother of god... What have I become?
N.) Napa valley has nice wine yards
O.) Only you can stop the deadly elevator
P.) The Popsicle Police can't enforce anything
Q.) I quit
R.) RAWR! Haha you actually thought I would stop?
S.) I'm a simpleton... On Opposite Day
T.) Tarzan envies my yodel
U.) Ummm... Did you hear the procrastinators council was postponed again?
V.) So Very, Very... ANNOYED BY THESE GID FORSAKEN OWLS THAT CAN'T LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE!!!
W.) Why am I on this planet?
X.) Except for that mangled body over there, this should make a nice place to crash for the night.
Y.) Yep, we're screwed, the zombies are right there
Z.) BUT DON'T WORRY! THE ZEBRAS WILL HELP US!
That will be all
A.) I would love to start a gaming reviews section (as of late it's been half my life as none of my friends seem to be able to withstand the unbridled power of my mind)
B.) I would like to buy a rio t-shirt
C.) What colour would the flames be if you set a unicorn on fire
D.) Bring pie so I can smash it in someone's face :D
E.) Easter eggs: scrambled or sunny side up
F.) Don't deep fry a Prius it tastes horrible
G.) I'm ranting I need to work on that
H.) Hanukah: just eight Christmases in a row?
I.) The Internet: just a conspiracy I say
J.) The jelly beans are poisoned! Don't eat them!
K.) I'll kill the man that invented sleep deprivation
L.) Never lie to me. I'll know it and eat so much uranium, I'll explode the world
M.) Mother of god... What have I become?
N.) Napa valley has nice wine yards
O.) Only you can stop the deadly elevator
P.) The Popsicle Police can't enforce anything
Q.) I quit
R.) RAWR! Haha you actually thought I would stop?
S.) I'm a simpleton... On Opposite Day
T.) Tarzan envies my yodel
U.) Ummm... Did you hear the procrastinators council was postponed again?
V.) So Very, Very... ANNOYED BY THESE GID FORSAKEN OWLS THAT CAN'T LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE!!!
W.) Why am I on this planet?
X.) Except for that mangled body over there, this should make a nice place to crash for the night.
Y.) Yep, we're screwed, the zombies are right there
Z.) BUT DON'T WORRY! THE ZEBRAS WILL HELP US!
That will be all
Saved by Olive DiCintio
Hello There by Lelainna Dahl
Hi, my name is Lelainna. I suppose I could tell you a little about myself. Life never brought me many friends. Although the ones I do have bring me the greatest joy. I have horrible trust issues. The only person I can truly trust has been in my life for almost 11 years. I know that makes me seem like a horrible friend, but really it’s only because I used to trust way too easily. I guess what I’m saying is that I had a major life lesson. My favorite subject in school is English. Every other class is factual. Reality really just isn’t my thing. One of a writer’s greatest skills is to know that Reality is Optional. Now I wouldn’t say I have self-esteem issues, though when asked to produce a compliment for myself I find it quite troubling. Music means the world to me. The band, Marianas Trench, is my life. They are real. They are realer than real. Although they have gone mainstream the music does not fall in to the cookie cutter cliché’s of today’s music. Every song has a meaning and it is portrayed well. Their music is very much real and relatable. I have recently found it odd that though music is very important to me, my music selection is very limited. Another thing about me is that my sense of humour is unique and totally me. If you like it, you love it, if you don’t you hate it. Not much about me is an in between. The most important thing about me I believe you must know has to do with my hair. For me one colour is boring and natural dyes are even more boring . My hair has to be two colours and one of which has to be unnatural. I haven’t had a natural hair colour for some time, therefore my natural hair is unknown. I like to say it is the most unique thing about me. Actually even then it’s not unique with the amount of people that dye their hair now-a-days. But I will always keep being me.
RIO WATCHES
The Hobbit- An Unexpected Journey - Review by Mary Innes
Directed by Peter Jackson Score 9.8/10
Synopsis: Based on J. R. R. Tolkien’s classic novel, this movie follows the journey of Bilbo Baggins, a hobbit, from his comfortable house in the shire to a Mountain in far off lands. Bilbo in invited to be the burglar for a team of thirteen Dwarves who are trying to take back their ancestral home from the dragon Smaug. The Dwarves: Dwarlin, Barlin, Dori, Nori, Ori, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Oin, Gloin, Kili, and Fili are being lead by the Dwarfish prince Thorin Oaknshield, who does not think Bilbo deserves to be on the team. They face many perils including but not limited to Orcs, Goblins, and Trolls. Can Bilbo win
Thorin’s trust and survive the quest? Maybe.
Review: Coming screen near you, the visual effects wonder, directed by the award winning Peter Jackson, it’s the Hobbit! I wasn’t too impressed by that either, but I have five words for you: Martin Freeman and Sexy Dwarves. This might sound a little fan-girly, but I love Martin Freeman, he is a brilliant actor, and is good in every movie I’ve seen. He rocks Dr. Watson in
the TV series Sherlock, and is even good in the marginal role he plays in the film Love Actually. Suffice to say that I was excited when news came out he was playing Bilbo in the new movie. I was not disappointed, Jackson really outdid
himself this time, and I’m not talking about the special effects (which were also amazing, and more smooth than in the other movies), the plot was closer to that of the actual book, a fact that I (and most of the other L.O.T.R. book lovers) appreciated. The few additions that Jackson did make were for the better; I enjoyed the Radagast scene, and the passage in to Rivendell, both of which were new additions to the story. The director also did some brilliant foreshadowing, alluding to the L.O.T.R. trilogy, and reminding us that the Hobbit is in fact a prequel. All the dwarves had distinct personalities, good thing too, with that many of them we were at risk to be lost in a sea of hair and metal. Their costumes were great, and who doesn’t love a fanciful beard? I’m glad Jackson included the really young dwarves Kili and Fili; it was a nice break from the older dwarves. The movie was surprisingly funny, and the best bit was that it didn’t feel like three hours in a movie theatre.
Unfortunately, its not all brilliant, I would have liked the riddle battle to be longer, and for there to be less fighting, after a while is gets a bit repetitive.
Over all I think this was a great movie, I am exited to see the sequel, even though I will have to wait a while.
View the Trailer
Synopsis: Based on J. R. R. Tolkien’s classic novel, this movie follows the journey of Bilbo Baggins, a hobbit, from his comfortable house in the shire to a Mountain in far off lands. Bilbo in invited to be the burglar for a team of thirteen Dwarves who are trying to take back their ancestral home from the dragon Smaug. The Dwarves: Dwarlin, Barlin, Dori, Nori, Ori, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Oin, Gloin, Kili, and Fili are being lead by the Dwarfish prince Thorin Oaknshield, who does not think Bilbo deserves to be on the team. They face many perils including but not limited to Orcs, Goblins, and Trolls. Can Bilbo win
Thorin’s trust and survive the quest? Maybe.
Review: Coming screen near you, the visual effects wonder, directed by the award winning Peter Jackson, it’s the Hobbit! I wasn’t too impressed by that either, but I have five words for you: Martin Freeman and Sexy Dwarves. This might sound a little fan-girly, but I love Martin Freeman, he is a brilliant actor, and is good in every movie I’ve seen. He rocks Dr. Watson in
the TV series Sherlock, and is even good in the marginal role he plays in the film Love Actually. Suffice to say that I was excited when news came out he was playing Bilbo in the new movie. I was not disappointed, Jackson really outdid
himself this time, and I’m not talking about the special effects (which were also amazing, and more smooth than in the other movies), the plot was closer to that of the actual book, a fact that I (and most of the other L.O.T.R. book lovers) appreciated. The few additions that Jackson did make were for the better; I enjoyed the Radagast scene, and the passage in to Rivendell, both of which were new additions to the story. The director also did some brilliant foreshadowing, alluding to the L.O.T.R. trilogy, and reminding us that the Hobbit is in fact a prequel. All the dwarves had distinct personalities, good thing too, with that many of them we were at risk to be lost in a sea of hair and metal. Their costumes were great, and who doesn’t love a fanciful beard? I’m glad Jackson included the really young dwarves Kili and Fili; it was a nice break from the older dwarves. The movie was surprisingly funny, and the best bit was that it didn’t feel like three hours in a movie theatre.
Unfortunately, its not all brilliant, I would have liked the riddle battle to be longer, and for there to be less fighting, after a while is gets a bit repetitive.
Over all I think this was a great movie, I am exited to see the sequel, even though I will have to wait a while.
View the Trailer
RIO READS
Un Lun Dun - Review by Mary Innes
By China Miéville Score 7/10
Synopsis: UnLondon is an abcity, a city in reverse where all the obsolete and forgotten things go when they disappear, where carnivorous, homicidal giraffes roam the back streets and garbage packs attack unwary travellers. It is also home to a great cobweb cathedral, houses with jungles inside them, and a district dedicated to ghosts. When Deeba and her best friend Zanna enter UnLondon, they find out some surprising things, namely that Zanna is the Shwazzy, the Chosen One, and it is her fate to save the city from the evil Smog. Unfortunately, things do not go exactly to plan. The girls retreat to London, where Deeba finds Zanna’s memories of UnLondon have been wiped. The abcity is still in peril from the Smog, but there is no Chosen One to save it. Can Deeba save the abcity despite the fact that she is not the Chosen One, its government hates her, and she has no one to help her except a half-ghost? Well, maybe she can.
Review: Un Lun Dun is a very good book, although the plot is not the most complex one out there, the detail is spectacular. Miéville has done a brilliant job of creating this alternate world; it feels like I have actually been there. The characterization is also amazing; all the characters are very realistic and yet otherworldly, much like the strange city they inhabit. The characters all give off a very strong, powerful vibe, especially the younger ones, as they deal with age related prejudice, which is one of the strongest themes in the book. While the manic and uncaring Smog devours everything it can get its teeth into, with no thought for age or rank, but its allies uses the young age of this book’s heroines as a count against them, and destroys their
reliability through that. It is, in short, the classic tale of the underdog, who fights his way through difficulties at massive odds. It is an old story that works every time. The suspense was well written as well, and the book was dramatic enough to keep me reading because I wanted to read the out come rather than out of necessity. No book can be perfect, and this one isn’t very
close. The author tried to write a dialect in for at least one character, but seemed to give up every now and then, so when he tried again, the written accent surprised me so much that I had to back track to see whether it was the same
character talking. In fact, the whole indecisive dialect thing took a lot of getting used to. Besides that, the plot was rather simplistic, and the ending was far too satisfactory for all the characters involved to appeal to me. Call me tragic, but I would have liked to see Deeba sacrifice something. Un Lun Dun has many other amazing facets besides the writing, like the gorgeous illustrations. My personal favourite was the giraffe on page 181, scary yet somehow fascinating. There are many other beautiful illustrations of the most mundane things, like cartons and broken umbrellas, that somehow make this novel
a bit like a sketch book, which I like.
VIEW THE TRAILER
Synopsis: UnLondon is an abcity, a city in reverse where all the obsolete and forgotten things go when they disappear, where carnivorous, homicidal giraffes roam the back streets and garbage packs attack unwary travellers. It is also home to a great cobweb cathedral, houses with jungles inside them, and a district dedicated to ghosts. When Deeba and her best friend Zanna enter UnLondon, they find out some surprising things, namely that Zanna is the Shwazzy, the Chosen One, and it is her fate to save the city from the evil Smog. Unfortunately, things do not go exactly to plan. The girls retreat to London, where Deeba finds Zanna’s memories of UnLondon have been wiped. The abcity is still in peril from the Smog, but there is no Chosen One to save it. Can Deeba save the abcity despite the fact that she is not the Chosen One, its government hates her, and she has no one to help her except a half-ghost? Well, maybe she can.
Review: Un Lun Dun is a very good book, although the plot is not the most complex one out there, the detail is spectacular. Miéville has done a brilliant job of creating this alternate world; it feels like I have actually been there. The characterization is also amazing; all the characters are very realistic and yet otherworldly, much like the strange city they inhabit. The characters all give off a very strong, powerful vibe, especially the younger ones, as they deal with age related prejudice, which is one of the strongest themes in the book. While the manic and uncaring Smog devours everything it can get its teeth into, with no thought for age or rank, but its allies uses the young age of this book’s heroines as a count against them, and destroys their
reliability through that. It is, in short, the classic tale of the underdog, who fights his way through difficulties at massive odds. It is an old story that works every time. The suspense was well written as well, and the book was dramatic enough to keep me reading because I wanted to read the out come rather than out of necessity. No book can be perfect, and this one isn’t very
close. The author tried to write a dialect in for at least one character, but seemed to give up every now and then, so when he tried again, the written accent surprised me so much that I had to back track to see whether it was the same
character talking. In fact, the whole indecisive dialect thing took a lot of getting used to. Besides that, the plot was rather simplistic, and the ending was far too satisfactory for all the characters involved to appeal to me. Call me tragic, but I would have liked to see Deeba sacrifice something. Un Lun Dun has many other amazing facets besides the writing, like the gorgeous illustrations. My personal favourite was the giraffe on page 181, scary yet somehow fascinating. There are many other beautiful illustrations of the most mundane things, like cartons and broken umbrellas, that somehow make this novel
a bit like a sketch book, which I like.
VIEW THE TRAILER
Dear Fictional Character Hey if real people can't help you, turn to the pretend.
Dear Slender, My best friend wrote “I love Linda” in the boys bathroom. How do I let him know that Linda is in the girls bathroom? - A Friend
Dear Friend, you should write 8 notes telling him and stick them in random fenced off places and I’ll talk to him.
Dear Darth Vader, I wish I were brave. How do I get to be braver? - Scared as a mouse
Dear Scared as a Mouse, come to the dark side immediately, if you haven’t already. We have cookies, cocaine, and planet
destroying capabilities. Furthermore, try dying in lava and getting rebuilt as a robot. It will do the trick.
Dear Darth Vader, My parents think that watching princess movies are bad for me but I like them. How do I tell them that they won’t scar me for life? - Watching what I like
Dear Watching What I Like, You don’t need to watch the princess movies. They WILL scar you for life. They have too much GOOD and horrible happiness in them. Come to the dark side instead. P.S. We have cookies.
Dear Darth Vader, I’m worried about becoming extinct. I mean it could happen right? – T-Rex
Dear T-Rex, I’m going to blow everybody up anyway, so there’s no point in worrying about it.
Dear Darth Vader, My dad wouldn’t let my three year old brother take ballet because he thought it would make him gay. How could it make him gay when he’d be looking at girls in leotards all the time? How can I make my dad change his mind? –Supportive big brother.
Dear Supportive Big Brother, Make your dad come to the dark side (tell him we have cookies). Then he will be gone. After your father is gone; you and your brother may do whatever you want to. Your father won’t ever be able to tell you what to
do ever again :)
Dear Darth Vader, People think I’m weird and shy. My friends may think I’m slightly crazy, but my best friends know I’m completely insane. Is this a problem? – Shy Kid
Dear Shy Kid, “courgh ceergh courgh ceergh” I am your father. “courgh ceergh courgh ceergh” Join the dark side. “courgh ceergh courgh ceergh” Blow everything up. “courgh ceergh courgh ceergh” Confess to a random person that you are their father.
Dear Herobrine, I see people on those contact lens commercials putting them in without holding their eye open
with their fingers. How do they do that? – Baffled
Dear Baffled, I don’t need contacts. I gouged my pupils and irises out. I don’t have a clue.
Dear Captain Obvious, We feel so left out. When Noah left in his ark he took mosquitos and not us. How do we get over this? – The Unicorns
Dear Unicorns, This is an advice column. Well seeing as you are unicorns and you feel left out, I suggest that you get help from somebody. Maybe try getting over it. I am CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! (that was my name).
Dear Sherlock, People generally irritate me. What can I do about this? – Awesome
Dear Awesome, People are generally stupid with limited imaginations and puny minds. The best remedy is to avoid them entirely. Your new best friends are mushrooms and murderers. Much obliged, Sherlock Holmes.
Dear Snow White, My mom is mad. She thinks I’m hiding something from her just because I was looking at baby names on the computer. I’m an aspiring author. How do I get my mom to believe I haven’t done anything stupid? – Writer
Dear Writer, You should find yourself a hous in the woods with a bunch of Dwarves. I’m sure they would be willing to help you. Except Grumpy . . . maybe you should refrain from talking to Grumpy. Anyway, I find dwarves always have the best solutions. Ask them for help. But when you go to their house, DO NOT accept apples from scary old women. Kind regards, Snow White.
Dear Animal, This girl is upset with me because I won’t go out with her. The thing is the last three girls I went out with were horrible. I don’t want to take another chance. How can I get her to understand this? –Burned
ANIMAL!! DRUM!! YEAH YEAH!! KILL GIRL!! KILL KILL!! YEAH YEAH!!
Dear Mad Hatter, My parents keep opening the door to my room to check on me. I’m not doing anything bad in here. Seriously! How do I make them stop? – Innocent
Dear Innocent, Why is a raven like a writing desk?
* Editor's Note: These advice letters were inspired by this website: http://dearblankpleaseblank.com/ Have fun visiting it!
Dear Friend, you should write 8 notes telling him and stick them in random fenced off places and I’ll talk to him.
Dear Darth Vader, I wish I were brave. How do I get to be braver? - Scared as a mouse
Dear Scared as a Mouse, come to the dark side immediately, if you haven’t already. We have cookies, cocaine, and planet
destroying capabilities. Furthermore, try dying in lava and getting rebuilt as a robot. It will do the trick.
Dear Darth Vader, My parents think that watching princess movies are bad for me but I like them. How do I tell them that they won’t scar me for life? - Watching what I like
Dear Watching What I Like, You don’t need to watch the princess movies. They WILL scar you for life. They have too much GOOD and horrible happiness in them. Come to the dark side instead. P.S. We have cookies.
Dear Darth Vader, I’m worried about becoming extinct. I mean it could happen right? – T-Rex
Dear T-Rex, I’m going to blow everybody up anyway, so there’s no point in worrying about it.
Dear Darth Vader, My dad wouldn’t let my three year old brother take ballet because he thought it would make him gay. How could it make him gay when he’d be looking at girls in leotards all the time? How can I make my dad change his mind? –Supportive big brother.
Dear Supportive Big Brother, Make your dad come to the dark side (tell him we have cookies). Then he will be gone. After your father is gone; you and your brother may do whatever you want to. Your father won’t ever be able to tell you what to
do ever again :)
Dear Darth Vader, People think I’m weird and shy. My friends may think I’m slightly crazy, but my best friends know I’m completely insane. Is this a problem? – Shy Kid
Dear Shy Kid, “courgh ceergh courgh ceergh” I am your father. “courgh ceergh courgh ceergh” Join the dark side. “courgh ceergh courgh ceergh” Blow everything up. “courgh ceergh courgh ceergh” Confess to a random person that you are their father.
Dear Herobrine, I see people on those contact lens commercials putting them in without holding their eye open
with their fingers. How do they do that? – Baffled
Dear Baffled, I don’t need contacts. I gouged my pupils and irises out. I don’t have a clue.
Dear Captain Obvious, We feel so left out. When Noah left in his ark he took mosquitos and not us. How do we get over this? – The Unicorns
Dear Unicorns, This is an advice column. Well seeing as you are unicorns and you feel left out, I suggest that you get help from somebody. Maybe try getting over it. I am CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! (that was my name).
Dear Sherlock, People generally irritate me. What can I do about this? – Awesome
Dear Awesome, People are generally stupid with limited imaginations and puny minds. The best remedy is to avoid them entirely. Your new best friends are mushrooms and murderers. Much obliged, Sherlock Holmes.
Dear Snow White, My mom is mad. She thinks I’m hiding something from her just because I was looking at baby names on the computer. I’m an aspiring author. How do I get my mom to believe I haven’t done anything stupid? – Writer
Dear Writer, You should find yourself a hous in the woods with a bunch of Dwarves. I’m sure they would be willing to help you. Except Grumpy . . . maybe you should refrain from talking to Grumpy. Anyway, I find dwarves always have the best solutions. Ask them for help. But when you go to their house, DO NOT accept apples from scary old women. Kind regards, Snow White.
Dear Animal, This girl is upset with me because I won’t go out with her. The thing is the last three girls I went out with were horrible. I don’t want to take another chance. How can I get her to understand this? –Burned
ANIMAL!! DRUM!! YEAH YEAH!! KILL GIRL!! KILL KILL!! YEAH YEAH!!
Dear Mad Hatter, My parents keep opening the door to my room to check on me. I’m not doing anything bad in here. Seriously! How do I make them stop? – Innocent
Dear Innocent, Why is a raven like a writing desk?
* Editor's Note: These advice letters were inspired by this website: http://dearblankpleaseblank.com/ Have fun visiting it!