RIO's November E-Zine
Death, Dr Seuss, and other fun stories
One Corpse, Two Corpse, Red Corpse, Blue Corpse
by Josh Babichuch and Willem
Beet with Feet by Rayann Kelly, Teighan Jones, and Mary Innes
Chuck the Duck and other Rhymes
by Olive DiCintio, Em Williamson, and Alexis Kelly
There's a Bumble Bee in my Butt
by Emma Train, Dawsynn, and Drue
I Am Not Going to Get Up Today! Cause I'm a Hipster.
by Emily Firmston and Kate Gill
REIGN OF THE DEMON DRAGONS by Emma Train
CHAPTER 5 - BETRAYAL
I see my mother. I see flashing lights. I see an ambulance. I see a rescue crew. I see… blackness. The last thing that I see before I lose consciousness is Nightmare.
* * *
I wake up in a dark room on a hard bed. Gruffen is standing over me. “Urg… what happened?” I groan, rolling over on the bed.
“Uh, let’s see… oh yes! You killed those innocent little dragonlings, got attacked by Ferocity, and when Mom tried to save you, she was killed. You betrayed me. You betrayed Mom, Twilight.”
“How did I betray-”
“You promised Mom you wouldn’t ever be like Dad!” Gruffen cuts me off.
“What’s so wrong about being like Dad?” I ask, sitting up.
“He was a murderer, Twilight. How could you not see that?” Tears begin to well up in Gruffen’s eyes.
“Well, maybe I want to be like Dad. Maybe I like killing,” I answer back, studying my talons.
“N-No… you d-did not j-j-just s-say that…” Gruffen whispers, voice breaking.
“Oh, you had better believe it, little brother. You know what? I’m glad that Eclipse died. She wasn’t even our real mother! Our real mother ran off of a cliff the day you hatched. And, oh, sure you felt a connection to her. That’s because she lied to you and was constantly pampering you! And what did she do for lil’ ol’ me? That’s right. NOTHING!” I spit out, my chest beginning to ache where Ferocity hit me.
“You’re evil! I hate you! I never want to see you again!” Gruffen wails and runs sobbing from the room.
And I realize… he’s right. I am evil. And I intend to keep it that way.
* * *
“Nightmare!” I call, approaching my best friend’s house. Nightmare doesn’t respond. “I need to talk to you!” Still nothing. I open the door and solely poke my head in. I gasp, “Nightmare… No…” There was Nightmare, trapped in a loving embrace with a dragoness whom I recognize as Darkness. Their snouts were pressed together, locked in a kiss. Nightmare breaks the lip-lock and whirls around to see me standing there, absolutely horrified. Then I see what I had been dreading since the day I met him. Nightmare wasn’t glowing anymore. No more dark power radiated from his body. Nightmare wasn’t evil.
Nightmare, my best friend, had turned on me, betrayed me.
“T-Twilight!” Nightmare slurs out, “I-I can explain-”
“Oh, no, there’s no need to explain. I understand perfectly,” I hiss darkly, blood boiling with anger and hurt. “Thanks for turning on me, traitor!” Crying, I begin to back away from Nightmare and Darkness, away from the memories of the best two years of my life, and how one thing ruined all of them. Nightmare tries to calm me, but I’m already gone. Tears blurring my vision, I take off as fast as I can go, trying desperately to get away from Nightmare. Behind me I hear Darkness say, “Don’t worry, he’ll come back.” No. I won’t. I bolt into the forest, knowing that they’ll never be able to find me in there. I weakly dodge branches and jump over tree roots. I crawl under an immense log, hissing in pain as the rough bark and sharp branches rip at my hide. I ignore the feeling of blood trickling down my flanks and keep running. I stop fighting it and let my tears flow freely. I slow down to catch my breath. I inhale raggedly, letting the cool, crisp air enter my lungs, hoping that if I hold my breath long enough I’ll pass out, and when I wake up again, everything will be better. Biting my lip, I exhale, knowing that losing consciousness won’t help any. I keep walking pausing every now and then to wipe the tears from my eyes. I continue to wander aimlessly through the woods, sobbing quietly into my wing. Why… Why did it have to be Nightmare? Why today? And after that fight with Gruffen… I feel as though my heart stopped. Gruffen. My legs start to tremble. I let myself collapse on the cold ground, no longer trying to control my sobs. I have a big mess to clean up.
I see my mother. I see flashing lights. I see an ambulance. I see a rescue crew. I see… blackness. The last thing that I see before I lose consciousness is Nightmare.
* * *
I wake up in a dark room on a hard bed. Gruffen is standing over me. “Urg… what happened?” I groan, rolling over on the bed.
“Uh, let’s see… oh yes! You killed those innocent little dragonlings, got attacked by Ferocity, and when Mom tried to save you, she was killed. You betrayed me. You betrayed Mom, Twilight.”
“How did I betray-”
“You promised Mom you wouldn’t ever be like Dad!” Gruffen cuts me off.
“What’s so wrong about being like Dad?” I ask, sitting up.
“He was a murderer, Twilight. How could you not see that?” Tears begin to well up in Gruffen’s eyes.
“Well, maybe I want to be like Dad. Maybe I like killing,” I answer back, studying my talons.
“N-No… you d-did not j-j-just s-say that…” Gruffen whispers, voice breaking.
“Oh, you had better believe it, little brother. You know what? I’m glad that Eclipse died. She wasn’t even our real mother! Our real mother ran off of a cliff the day you hatched. And, oh, sure you felt a connection to her. That’s because she lied to you and was constantly pampering you! And what did she do for lil’ ol’ me? That’s right. NOTHING!” I spit out, my chest beginning to ache where Ferocity hit me.
“You’re evil! I hate you! I never want to see you again!” Gruffen wails and runs sobbing from the room.
And I realize… he’s right. I am evil. And I intend to keep it that way.
* * *
“Nightmare!” I call, approaching my best friend’s house. Nightmare doesn’t respond. “I need to talk to you!” Still nothing. I open the door and solely poke my head in. I gasp, “Nightmare… No…” There was Nightmare, trapped in a loving embrace with a dragoness whom I recognize as Darkness. Their snouts were pressed together, locked in a kiss. Nightmare breaks the lip-lock and whirls around to see me standing there, absolutely horrified. Then I see what I had been dreading since the day I met him. Nightmare wasn’t glowing anymore. No more dark power radiated from his body. Nightmare wasn’t evil.
Nightmare, my best friend, had turned on me, betrayed me.
“T-Twilight!” Nightmare slurs out, “I-I can explain-”
“Oh, no, there’s no need to explain. I understand perfectly,” I hiss darkly, blood boiling with anger and hurt. “Thanks for turning on me, traitor!” Crying, I begin to back away from Nightmare and Darkness, away from the memories of the best two years of my life, and how one thing ruined all of them. Nightmare tries to calm me, but I’m already gone. Tears blurring my vision, I take off as fast as I can go, trying desperately to get away from Nightmare. Behind me I hear Darkness say, “Don’t worry, he’ll come back.” No. I won’t. I bolt into the forest, knowing that they’ll never be able to find me in there. I weakly dodge branches and jump over tree roots. I crawl under an immense log, hissing in pain as the rough bark and sharp branches rip at my hide. I ignore the feeling of blood trickling down my flanks and keep running. I stop fighting it and let my tears flow freely. I slow down to catch my breath. I inhale raggedly, letting the cool, crisp air enter my lungs, hoping that if I hold my breath long enough I’ll pass out, and when I wake up again, everything will be better. Biting my lip, I exhale, knowing that losing consciousness won’t help any. I keep walking pausing every now and then to wipe the tears from my eyes. I continue to wander aimlessly through the woods, sobbing quietly into my wing. Why… Why did it have to be Nightmare? Why today? And after that fight with Gruffen… I feel as though my heart stopped. Gruffen. My legs start to tremble. I let myself collapse on the cold ground, no longer trying to control my sobs. I have a big mess to clean up.
A Beginner's Guide to Life by RIO
Ever wonder how to live your life? Thanks to the researchers at They University, RIO has come up with a handy dandy How To guide for some of life’s very important events.
A Beginner’s Guide to Getting Up in the Morning
1) Hear alarm clock
2) Loath the world and entire existence
3) Give alarm clock the Nap-Time Sledgehammer ™ / press sleep
4) Try and sneak in a few more minutes of sleep
5) Fail epiclly because shadows are scary
6) Hear alarm again
7) Decide your job / school is unimportant
8) Reconsider
9) Reconsider again and HATE mornings
10) Acquire atom bomb
11) Sleep forever
A Beginner’s Guide to Being in RIO
1) Escape the hollow and empty bindings of your everyday life
2) Go to RIO
A Beginner’s Guide to Eating Cake
1) Sit down on a chair
2) Remove butt from the chair
3) Stand up
4) Walk (right foot, left foot) to the kitchen (or wherever you keep your cake)
5) You really shouldn't be asking me about this.
A Beginner’s Guide to Playing Video Games
1) Power on your console
2) Insert or download your game of choice
3) Take it out and replace it with Assassin’s Creed
4) If you can’t play Assassin’s Creed I can’t help you
A Beginner’s Guide to Being in RIO
1) SHED ALL HOPE OF SANITY, as well as seeing daylight.
A Beginner’s Guide to Being a Mature and Responsible Person
If you wish to be mature and responsible, you must begin by doing the small things. For example:
1) Doing your homework
2) Being respectful
3) Committing zero arts of foolishness
4) Act responsibly
5) Suppress all notions of creativity and imagination
6) No laughing. Laughing = foolishness = immaturity
A Beginner’s Guide to Being in RIO
1) Prepare to rule the world
2) Join RIO
3) Rule the world
A Beginner’s Guide to Writing
Materials
- Something to write with (pen)
- Brain
- Feelings
- Something to write on (paper)
- Thoughts
How to do it:
1) Get your materials . . . simple enough
2) Prepare your brain by thinking thoughts
3) Take your something write with and something to write on and put them in front of you
4) Take your thoughts and try to mentally put them onto your paper
5) Be sad when it doesn’t work and take hold of your pen
6) Write words onto the paper (preferably corresponding to your brain thoughts)
7) Write until you feel you’re done
8) Once you are done use your brain to read your writing
9) If it makes sense. Congratulations! If not – well you tried, nonsense is always more fun anyways.
A Beginner’s Guide to Being in RIO
To be in RIO you must pay a drop-in fee of $5.00 or buy a membership for the year for $40.00.
A Beginner’s Guide to Logic
1) Get a brain
2) Think
3) See there is no logic
4) Don’t be normal
A Beginner’s Guide to Reading
Materials:
- A book
- A school (optional)
- A comfortable place
How to do it:
1) Go to a library and pick a book, after using Librarian Spray™.
2) You may want to go to school to learn to read but you can just look at the words as well.
3) Find a comfortable spot in your house, or someone else’s house, and open your book
4) Commence reading
A Beginner's Guide to Being in RIO
1) Be insane
A Beginner's Guide to Moving to Calgary
1) First pack your room up by placing all your clothes, weapons, and mind control devices in a lead lined box.
2) Close all portals to other dimensions and turn off Hell.
3) Pack your X classed flying machine with all your worldly belongings.
4) Tell all your friends and acquaintances and people living under the closest bridge that you are having a party on Saturday.
5) Move Friday
6) While on the way to Calgary notice the lovely scenery and eliminate it.
7) Arrive in Calgary.
8) Decide on the house you’d like to live in.
9) Go to the front door.
10) Knock
11) Wait for the owners to answer the door.
12) Open your portal
13) Move in once the owners have been sucked away to another dimension
14) Unpack your clothes, weapons, and mind control devices from your lead lined box.
15) Turn on Hell.
16) Welcome to Calgary.
A Beginner’s Guide to Being in RIO
1) Arrive with an open mind
2) Leave with mind blown
A Beginner’s Guide to Writing Beginner’s Guides
1) Delegate all the writing
2) Delegate the editing too
3) Also delegate the publishing
4) Reap all the profits
A Beginner's Guide to Sleeping
Materials:
- Bed / Cardboard box
- Pillow
- Blanket
- Teddy bear (must have)
How to do it:
1) Find a bed/cardboard box
2) Put pillow in bed/cardboard box
3) Sit in bed / cardboard box
4) Lay down
5) Pull blanket over head for complete darkness
6) Never. Go. Back.
7) In the morning read the Beginner's Guide to Getting up in the Morning.
A Beginner’s Guide to Getting Up in the Morning
1) Hear alarm clock
2) Loath the world and entire existence
3) Give alarm clock the Nap-Time Sledgehammer ™ / press sleep
4) Try and sneak in a few more minutes of sleep
5) Fail epiclly because shadows are scary
6) Hear alarm again
7) Decide your job / school is unimportant
8) Reconsider
9) Reconsider again and HATE mornings
10) Acquire atom bomb
11) Sleep forever
A Beginner’s Guide to Being in RIO
1) Escape the hollow and empty bindings of your everyday life
2) Go to RIO
A Beginner’s Guide to Eating Cake
1) Sit down on a chair
2) Remove butt from the chair
3) Stand up
4) Walk (right foot, left foot) to the kitchen (or wherever you keep your cake)
5) You really shouldn't be asking me about this.
A Beginner’s Guide to Playing Video Games
1) Power on your console
2) Insert or download your game of choice
3) Take it out and replace it with Assassin’s Creed
4) If you can’t play Assassin’s Creed I can’t help you
A Beginner’s Guide to Being in RIO
1) SHED ALL HOPE OF SANITY, as well as seeing daylight.
A Beginner’s Guide to Being a Mature and Responsible Person
If you wish to be mature and responsible, you must begin by doing the small things. For example:
1) Doing your homework
2) Being respectful
3) Committing zero arts of foolishness
4) Act responsibly
5) Suppress all notions of creativity and imagination
6) No laughing. Laughing = foolishness = immaturity
A Beginner’s Guide to Being in RIO
1) Prepare to rule the world
2) Join RIO
3) Rule the world
A Beginner’s Guide to Writing
Materials
- Something to write with (pen)
- Brain
- Feelings
- Something to write on (paper)
- Thoughts
How to do it:
1) Get your materials . . . simple enough
2) Prepare your brain by thinking thoughts
3) Take your something write with and something to write on and put them in front of you
4) Take your thoughts and try to mentally put them onto your paper
5) Be sad when it doesn’t work and take hold of your pen
6) Write words onto the paper (preferably corresponding to your brain thoughts)
7) Write until you feel you’re done
8) Once you are done use your brain to read your writing
9) If it makes sense. Congratulations! If not – well you tried, nonsense is always more fun anyways.
A Beginner’s Guide to Being in RIO
To be in RIO you must pay a drop-in fee of $5.00 or buy a membership for the year for $40.00.
A Beginner’s Guide to Logic
1) Get a brain
2) Think
3) See there is no logic
4) Don’t be normal
A Beginner’s Guide to Reading
Materials:
- A book
- A school (optional)
- A comfortable place
How to do it:
1) Go to a library and pick a book, after using Librarian Spray™.
2) You may want to go to school to learn to read but you can just look at the words as well.
3) Find a comfortable spot in your house, or someone else’s house, and open your book
4) Commence reading
A Beginner's Guide to Being in RIO
1) Be insane
A Beginner's Guide to Moving to Calgary
1) First pack your room up by placing all your clothes, weapons, and mind control devices in a lead lined box.
2) Close all portals to other dimensions and turn off Hell.
3) Pack your X classed flying machine with all your worldly belongings.
4) Tell all your friends and acquaintances and people living under the closest bridge that you are having a party on Saturday.
5) Move Friday
6) While on the way to Calgary notice the lovely scenery and eliminate it.
7) Arrive in Calgary.
8) Decide on the house you’d like to live in.
9) Go to the front door.
10) Knock
11) Wait for the owners to answer the door.
12) Open your portal
13) Move in once the owners have been sucked away to another dimension
14) Unpack your clothes, weapons, and mind control devices from your lead lined box.
15) Turn on Hell.
16) Welcome to Calgary.
A Beginner’s Guide to Being in RIO
1) Arrive with an open mind
2) Leave with mind blown
A Beginner’s Guide to Writing Beginner’s Guides
1) Delegate all the writing
2) Delegate the editing too
3) Also delegate the publishing
4) Reap all the profits
A Beginner's Guide to Sleeping
Materials:
- Bed / Cardboard box
- Pillow
- Blanket
- Teddy bear (must have)
How to do it:
1) Find a bed/cardboard box
2) Put pillow in bed/cardboard box
3) Sit in bed / cardboard box
4) Lay down
5) Pull blanket over head for complete darkness
6) Never. Go. Back.
7) In the morning read the Beginner's Guide to Getting up in the Morning.
RIO Does Halloween
RIO Reads - Christine by Stephen King reviewed by Olive DiCintio
Having heard so many wonderful things about Stephen King, I had high expectations for ¨Christine¨ it blew past my expectations and straight into my top ten favorite books as soon as I hit the climax. It was written in such detail that I felt I was sitting on the hood watching the nightmare happen. The sheer terror presented gave me shivers and I would identify it as the most unnerving section of the book. I would recommend Christine to horror and thriller fanatics as well as people easing their way into scarier reads, as it wasn’t as blatantly terrifying as it was eerie and disturbing. All in all, it made me fall in love with the 58 Plymouth Fury, and the works of Stephen King.
A Day at the Theater by Em Williamson
This was it.
Today was the day.
It was finally here, and no amount of ambiguous foreshadowing would ever be able to describe my excitement.
Yes, today was the long-awaited premier of what I thought – no, what I knew would be the single best science fiction movie of all time, if not the best overall: The Galactic Adventures of Commander Xhyunha (™). As the self-proclaimed number one fan of the novel series, I had pored through it many times over to the point of being able to recite almost all of its fifty thousand pages word-for-word from memory. I was self-taught and fluent in many an alien tongue, from the elegant articulation of the Gorlishgoritians to the guttural grunts of the Gnx. I could easily point out even the slightest flares of romantic tension between Xhyunha and her faithful captain Ign. I had cosplayed religiously at each and every con within a hundred kilometers of my location, and naturally made sure to point out any flaws in the costumes of other con-goers, no matter how small.
So as I strode up to the theater at six in the morning (only three hours early!), my skin meticulously painted with the blue-green flesh tones of Xhyunha’s gorgeous face, there was no way I could have guessed what catastrophic events would take place on that day…
Naturally, there was next to no line at the concession, but I didn’t want to take my chances. I had to make sure to secure the seat exactly in the middle of the theater, otherwise my experience would be sorely lacking. Yes, I had sworn on my honor as the world’s number one Commander Xhyunha fan that this experience would be nothing short of perfect, and I certainly wasn’t going to go back on my word now of all times.
I took off running towards theater number six, my Xhyunha-fueled adrenaline allowing me to easily dodge and weave around protesting theater staff. I had to be the first one there, I just had to be!
Finally, I arrived at my destination, feeling a satisfied grin begin to spread across my blue-green face. I was the first one there! I quickly got a hold of myself and suppressed it, however, fearing it might smudge my flawless makeup. After all, who needed facial expressions when you could have the face of such a hero as Commander Xhyunha? Not me, that was for sure.
Being the first person at the theater, naturally I arrived to find it completely empty. The lights were still on, and the pre-movie inanity had yet to begin. As such, after managing to locate the seat in the exact center of the theater, I reluctantly left my Limited Edition Super-Commander Trenchcoat of Destiny (™) upon the seat to save it and dashed off to fetch some of the godly delight known as popcorn. I exited the theater room and darted excitedly down the escalator, moving at top speed so as to waste as little time as possible before the movie began. I bolted directly towards the concession counter as fast as my legs could carry me, painfully smacking straight into it and causing the half-asleep cashier to jump and let out a small shriek.
“P-P-P-POPCORN!!!” I said, my ecstatic tone bordering on hysteria. “STAT!”
For a moment, she just stared blankly at me, her multiple-pierced face contorted in shock and apparent fear.
“Hel-LO! DO YOU NOT SEE THIS PAYING CUSTOMER RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!?” I bellowed at her, eye twitching in annoyance. In the time she was making me waste with buying my food, someone else easily could have gotten to theater number six and taken my spot!
“S-sorry!” she stuttered, jumping up hurriedly to get me a bag of the good stuff.
Finally, after far too long dealing with the incompetent staff of that concession counter, I managed to return to my seat and almost collapsed in relief; my Limited Edition Super-Commander Trenchcoat of Destiny (™) and my perfectly centered seat were exactly as I had left them. Sighing in contentment, I leaned back in my seat and began my arduous 178-minute wait for the movie to begin.
Oh, and an arduous wait it was. Seconds felt like minutes, minutes like hours, and hours like days. The only thing that kept me going through those difficult times was the anticipation of this beautiful movie. Yes, though I may have been famished (I clearly couldn’t eat my popcorn until the movie started. That’s just bad form!), exhausted and bored out of my wits, the thought of darling Xhyunha’s yellowish compound eyes displayed in the highest definition on the biggest of big screens arose far too much of a burning fangirl passion within me for me to just give up.
At long last, the wholly less-dedicated theater guests began to file into the room. The room itself began to darken, slowly but surely, and the commercials and previews began to play. I felt myself starting to grin once more, and I allowed myself a small squeal. The slightly obese, tattooed patron sitting next to me gave me a strange look, but I didn’t care. Soon, what was sure to be the best movie of all time would begin. Soon, I would have what was sure to be the best experience of my life. And soon, the world would know the absolute reptilian glory that was Commander Xhyunha.
As the lights dimmed further still and the obnoxious trailers for movies I’d never see ceased to play, I could feel my heart nearly bursting out of my chest with excitement. I bounced up and down in my seat, biting down hard on my bottom lip to prevent myself from screaming with joy. Again, the now-perspiring tattooed man next to me shot me a death glare, but unfortunately for him I was still too excited to really care. And after all, looks can’t actually kill… unless you’re an inhabitant of Alpha 399.5X, in which case you can shoot lasers out of your eyes that could quite possibly actually kill someone.
As the opening title sequence began to roll, a curious thing happened. A series of cracks began to spread across the big screen. I didn’t recall anything that might call for such a film effect happening in the novel, but I trusted the judgement of the filmmakers and sat back, excitement still on the rise.
Suddenly, a thundering CRASH sounded, shaking the theater. I jumped and let out a gasp, heart pounding with shock. Could this have been a film effect as well? No… how would they have made the room shake like that? Another CRASH echoed through the room, causing the floor to vibrate as if an earthquake were occurring. I screamed again, grabbing onto the head of the person sitting in front of me to steady myself.
What would the Commander do? I thought to myself, trying to calm down and assess the situation. The thought of my favorite lizardly spaceship commander calmed me slightly, and in my state of enforced calm I noticed something very curious. Whereas previously the big screen had only had a few small cracks trailing along its edges, it now looked as if it was about to shatter. Was this a film effect after all? It couldn’t be, could it..?
Another ground-shaking CRASH nearly knocked me off my feet. The big screen cracked further still, and I squinted at it, noticing pieces of glass beginning to fall from the screen. In that moment, I came to a realization. Hardly thinking, I ducked down under my seat, using my treasured Limited Edition Super-Commander Trenchcoat of Destiny (™) to cover my head.
CRASH!
The big screen shattered, sending glass flying everywhere and impaling some of the less fortunate moviegoers with it. A gigantic object smashed through what was left of the screen and flew right over my head, destroying the ceiling lights and coming to a screeching halt upon the back few rows of viewers. In that moment the thought came to me that I had chosen my seat well. Confident the worst of the destruction was over, I stood up to survey the damage and nearly fainted once my eyes fell upon the cause of this mess.
The colossal cause of the carnage was none other than the Phantom Genesis 355XZ Omega Model Sixty-eight (™), the very ship commanded by my idol of idols, Commander Xhyunha! I felt my face grow hot, and my legs threatened to buckle from underneath me. As much as I so badly wanted it to be, I knew there was no way this could be real. Sadly, I reached down towards the bit of exposed skin near my leg, and pinched hard, waiting for this all to fade away and for me to wake up in my own bed…
…But nothing happened. That was strange, it was common knowledge that a sharp pinch to the leg would wake you up from any dream, no matter how absurdly realistic it may have seemed. This clearly wasn’t real, so why in the name of Agloblowroth wasn’t I waking up!? While I was furiously pinching myself all over, a thought suddenly came to me. Commander Xhyunha never went anywhere without her precious Phantom Genesis 355XZ Omega Model Sixty-eight (™)… so if it was here, that had to mean--
The ship’s door opened with a creak. A slender, reptilian figure gracefully stepped out, hopping from the entrance onto a particularly unfortunate moviegoer. I gasped. Could it be…?
Commander Xhyunha turned my way, looking directly at me – directly into my soul – and I nearly screamed in surprise and elation. She stepped ever-so-gracefully toward me, and I immediately began to hyperventilate. She was just as beautiful as I’d imagined her…
And then I passed out.
I awoke to find myself not at home in my bed, but cradled in the arms of my dearest idol, Commander Xhyunha! I squealed, feeling my face begin to flush. I had to say something! I couldn’t just sit there and make a fool of myself! But what could I say? What could possibly impress such an amazing woman as Commander Xhyunha, who’d seen all there was to see from the sky kingdom of Flaaah to the eighteen moons of Zœwigg?
“Are you the one they call Maria?” Xhyunha said in a heavily-accented voice.
“Y-yes,” I stuttered out, trying to remind myself that this was, in fact, a dream, and no matter how disturbingly real the Commander or the blood and guts of my fellow theater patrons looked, I was sure to soon awaken in my own bed. This gave me a new sense of confidence; after all, when you’re dreaming, it doesn’t matter in the slightest how badly you screw everything up, because in the end you’re just going to wake up regardless of what happened!
“Yes,” I said, in the most regal of tones I could manage. “I am Maria. What may I do for you, my Commander?”
“Good. Very good,” responded the Commander, nodding her head approvingly. “Maria of the Earth, I have called upon you this day in order to humbly inquire if you would join my Starfleet.”
My heart skipped a beat (again…). Even if this was a dream, it felt like a dream come true! All my life I had longed to join Commander Xhyunha’s honorable brigade, and now I would finally get the chance! However, I knew what I must do. As much as I wanted to cry out “YES!” at the top of my lungs and rush off to join the Commander’s crew amongst the stars, this was but an illusion; a trick played by my own mind, created only to momentarily satisfy my deepest desires.
“Alas, my dear Commander,” I murmured sadly. “I cannot, for you are but an illusion within my own mind. I cannot possibly devote myself fully to you when I know in my heart of hearts you are but a projection.”
“…Excuse me?” said the Commander incredulously. “You believe you are dreaming? But… I am touching you as we speak.”
“Truly this is the most vivid of dreams!” I replied, determined not to be fooled by the Xhyunha I knew not to be real.
“Look. My ship just destroyed an entire movie theater. Do you not see the destruction, the carnage? Do you not hear the moans of the injured?”
“This dream impresses me with its lifelike qualities! However, I know it is not real.”
“You could get in my spaceship and leave this place right now. What I could show you would be so wondrous you would realize there was no way you could dream up such a thing.”
“No, my Commander. I am sorry.”
The Commander sighed in frustration, dropping her head into her webbed hands.
“Fine. If you are that convinced, Maria of Earth, I shall leave you behind. But soon you will discover that this day’s events were not but an illusion. And you will come to regret your refusal of my offer.”
“No, I won’t,” I said, smiling. “Because you aren’t real. And so, when the true Xhyunha finally comes to take me off this planet, I will be able to leave with no regrets.”
Dream Xhyunha just stared at me incredulously, seemingly at a loss for words. I couldn’t blame her; it had to come as a shock that I’d figured her out so easily. But I knew I had made the right decision.
“Goodbye, Maria of Earth,” said Dream Xhyunha. “Now that I’ve actually met you, I don’t think I want you in my fleet anyway.”
Even if she wasn’t real, this illusion’s words cut me deeply. But I was able to reassure myself with the knowledge that the true Xhyunha would never say such a thing to me. Surely she’d want me in her fleet. And hers was the only fleet I wanted to be in.
Taking a deep breath, I gathered my courage and turned away from the ship and from Dream Xhyunha, leaving the theater without regret. And though news of a spaceship crashing through a theater screen and killing several people, injuring more, would later be reported, I knew that it had all been nothing but a ruse.
And I know it to this day.
Today was the day.
It was finally here, and no amount of ambiguous foreshadowing would ever be able to describe my excitement.
Yes, today was the long-awaited premier of what I thought – no, what I knew would be the single best science fiction movie of all time, if not the best overall: The Galactic Adventures of Commander Xhyunha (™). As the self-proclaimed number one fan of the novel series, I had pored through it many times over to the point of being able to recite almost all of its fifty thousand pages word-for-word from memory. I was self-taught and fluent in many an alien tongue, from the elegant articulation of the Gorlishgoritians to the guttural grunts of the Gnx. I could easily point out even the slightest flares of romantic tension between Xhyunha and her faithful captain Ign. I had cosplayed religiously at each and every con within a hundred kilometers of my location, and naturally made sure to point out any flaws in the costumes of other con-goers, no matter how small.
So as I strode up to the theater at six in the morning (only three hours early!), my skin meticulously painted with the blue-green flesh tones of Xhyunha’s gorgeous face, there was no way I could have guessed what catastrophic events would take place on that day…
Naturally, there was next to no line at the concession, but I didn’t want to take my chances. I had to make sure to secure the seat exactly in the middle of the theater, otherwise my experience would be sorely lacking. Yes, I had sworn on my honor as the world’s number one Commander Xhyunha fan that this experience would be nothing short of perfect, and I certainly wasn’t going to go back on my word now of all times.
I took off running towards theater number six, my Xhyunha-fueled adrenaline allowing me to easily dodge and weave around protesting theater staff. I had to be the first one there, I just had to be!
Finally, I arrived at my destination, feeling a satisfied grin begin to spread across my blue-green face. I was the first one there! I quickly got a hold of myself and suppressed it, however, fearing it might smudge my flawless makeup. After all, who needed facial expressions when you could have the face of such a hero as Commander Xhyunha? Not me, that was for sure.
Being the first person at the theater, naturally I arrived to find it completely empty. The lights were still on, and the pre-movie inanity had yet to begin. As such, after managing to locate the seat in the exact center of the theater, I reluctantly left my Limited Edition Super-Commander Trenchcoat of Destiny (™) upon the seat to save it and dashed off to fetch some of the godly delight known as popcorn. I exited the theater room and darted excitedly down the escalator, moving at top speed so as to waste as little time as possible before the movie began. I bolted directly towards the concession counter as fast as my legs could carry me, painfully smacking straight into it and causing the half-asleep cashier to jump and let out a small shriek.
“P-P-P-POPCORN!!!” I said, my ecstatic tone bordering on hysteria. “STAT!”
For a moment, she just stared blankly at me, her multiple-pierced face contorted in shock and apparent fear.
“Hel-LO! DO YOU NOT SEE THIS PAYING CUSTOMER RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!?” I bellowed at her, eye twitching in annoyance. In the time she was making me waste with buying my food, someone else easily could have gotten to theater number six and taken my spot!
“S-sorry!” she stuttered, jumping up hurriedly to get me a bag of the good stuff.
Finally, after far too long dealing with the incompetent staff of that concession counter, I managed to return to my seat and almost collapsed in relief; my Limited Edition Super-Commander Trenchcoat of Destiny (™) and my perfectly centered seat were exactly as I had left them. Sighing in contentment, I leaned back in my seat and began my arduous 178-minute wait for the movie to begin.
Oh, and an arduous wait it was. Seconds felt like minutes, minutes like hours, and hours like days. The only thing that kept me going through those difficult times was the anticipation of this beautiful movie. Yes, though I may have been famished (I clearly couldn’t eat my popcorn until the movie started. That’s just bad form!), exhausted and bored out of my wits, the thought of darling Xhyunha’s yellowish compound eyes displayed in the highest definition on the biggest of big screens arose far too much of a burning fangirl passion within me for me to just give up.
At long last, the wholly less-dedicated theater guests began to file into the room. The room itself began to darken, slowly but surely, and the commercials and previews began to play. I felt myself starting to grin once more, and I allowed myself a small squeal. The slightly obese, tattooed patron sitting next to me gave me a strange look, but I didn’t care. Soon, what was sure to be the best movie of all time would begin. Soon, I would have what was sure to be the best experience of my life. And soon, the world would know the absolute reptilian glory that was Commander Xhyunha.
As the lights dimmed further still and the obnoxious trailers for movies I’d never see ceased to play, I could feel my heart nearly bursting out of my chest with excitement. I bounced up and down in my seat, biting down hard on my bottom lip to prevent myself from screaming with joy. Again, the now-perspiring tattooed man next to me shot me a death glare, but unfortunately for him I was still too excited to really care. And after all, looks can’t actually kill… unless you’re an inhabitant of Alpha 399.5X, in which case you can shoot lasers out of your eyes that could quite possibly actually kill someone.
As the opening title sequence began to roll, a curious thing happened. A series of cracks began to spread across the big screen. I didn’t recall anything that might call for such a film effect happening in the novel, but I trusted the judgement of the filmmakers and sat back, excitement still on the rise.
Suddenly, a thundering CRASH sounded, shaking the theater. I jumped and let out a gasp, heart pounding with shock. Could this have been a film effect as well? No… how would they have made the room shake like that? Another CRASH echoed through the room, causing the floor to vibrate as if an earthquake were occurring. I screamed again, grabbing onto the head of the person sitting in front of me to steady myself.
What would the Commander do? I thought to myself, trying to calm down and assess the situation. The thought of my favorite lizardly spaceship commander calmed me slightly, and in my state of enforced calm I noticed something very curious. Whereas previously the big screen had only had a few small cracks trailing along its edges, it now looked as if it was about to shatter. Was this a film effect after all? It couldn’t be, could it..?
Another ground-shaking CRASH nearly knocked me off my feet. The big screen cracked further still, and I squinted at it, noticing pieces of glass beginning to fall from the screen. In that moment, I came to a realization. Hardly thinking, I ducked down under my seat, using my treasured Limited Edition Super-Commander Trenchcoat of Destiny (™) to cover my head.
CRASH!
The big screen shattered, sending glass flying everywhere and impaling some of the less fortunate moviegoers with it. A gigantic object smashed through what was left of the screen and flew right over my head, destroying the ceiling lights and coming to a screeching halt upon the back few rows of viewers. In that moment the thought came to me that I had chosen my seat well. Confident the worst of the destruction was over, I stood up to survey the damage and nearly fainted once my eyes fell upon the cause of this mess.
The colossal cause of the carnage was none other than the Phantom Genesis 355XZ Omega Model Sixty-eight (™), the very ship commanded by my idol of idols, Commander Xhyunha! I felt my face grow hot, and my legs threatened to buckle from underneath me. As much as I so badly wanted it to be, I knew there was no way this could be real. Sadly, I reached down towards the bit of exposed skin near my leg, and pinched hard, waiting for this all to fade away and for me to wake up in my own bed…
…But nothing happened. That was strange, it was common knowledge that a sharp pinch to the leg would wake you up from any dream, no matter how absurdly realistic it may have seemed. This clearly wasn’t real, so why in the name of Agloblowroth wasn’t I waking up!? While I was furiously pinching myself all over, a thought suddenly came to me. Commander Xhyunha never went anywhere without her precious Phantom Genesis 355XZ Omega Model Sixty-eight (™)… so if it was here, that had to mean--
The ship’s door opened with a creak. A slender, reptilian figure gracefully stepped out, hopping from the entrance onto a particularly unfortunate moviegoer. I gasped. Could it be…?
Commander Xhyunha turned my way, looking directly at me – directly into my soul – and I nearly screamed in surprise and elation. She stepped ever-so-gracefully toward me, and I immediately began to hyperventilate. She was just as beautiful as I’d imagined her…
And then I passed out.
I awoke to find myself not at home in my bed, but cradled in the arms of my dearest idol, Commander Xhyunha! I squealed, feeling my face begin to flush. I had to say something! I couldn’t just sit there and make a fool of myself! But what could I say? What could possibly impress such an amazing woman as Commander Xhyunha, who’d seen all there was to see from the sky kingdom of Flaaah to the eighteen moons of Zœwigg?
“Are you the one they call Maria?” Xhyunha said in a heavily-accented voice.
“Y-yes,” I stuttered out, trying to remind myself that this was, in fact, a dream, and no matter how disturbingly real the Commander or the blood and guts of my fellow theater patrons looked, I was sure to soon awaken in my own bed. This gave me a new sense of confidence; after all, when you’re dreaming, it doesn’t matter in the slightest how badly you screw everything up, because in the end you’re just going to wake up regardless of what happened!
“Yes,” I said, in the most regal of tones I could manage. “I am Maria. What may I do for you, my Commander?”
“Good. Very good,” responded the Commander, nodding her head approvingly. “Maria of the Earth, I have called upon you this day in order to humbly inquire if you would join my Starfleet.”
My heart skipped a beat (again…). Even if this was a dream, it felt like a dream come true! All my life I had longed to join Commander Xhyunha’s honorable brigade, and now I would finally get the chance! However, I knew what I must do. As much as I wanted to cry out “YES!” at the top of my lungs and rush off to join the Commander’s crew amongst the stars, this was but an illusion; a trick played by my own mind, created only to momentarily satisfy my deepest desires.
“Alas, my dear Commander,” I murmured sadly. “I cannot, for you are but an illusion within my own mind. I cannot possibly devote myself fully to you when I know in my heart of hearts you are but a projection.”
“…Excuse me?” said the Commander incredulously. “You believe you are dreaming? But… I am touching you as we speak.”
“Truly this is the most vivid of dreams!” I replied, determined not to be fooled by the Xhyunha I knew not to be real.
“Look. My ship just destroyed an entire movie theater. Do you not see the destruction, the carnage? Do you not hear the moans of the injured?”
“This dream impresses me with its lifelike qualities! However, I know it is not real.”
“You could get in my spaceship and leave this place right now. What I could show you would be so wondrous you would realize there was no way you could dream up such a thing.”
“No, my Commander. I am sorry.”
The Commander sighed in frustration, dropping her head into her webbed hands.
“Fine. If you are that convinced, Maria of Earth, I shall leave you behind. But soon you will discover that this day’s events were not but an illusion. And you will come to regret your refusal of my offer.”
“No, I won’t,” I said, smiling. “Because you aren’t real. And so, when the true Xhyunha finally comes to take me off this planet, I will be able to leave with no regrets.”
Dream Xhyunha just stared at me incredulously, seemingly at a loss for words. I couldn’t blame her; it had to come as a shock that I’d figured her out so easily. But I knew I had made the right decision.
“Goodbye, Maria of Earth,” said Dream Xhyunha. “Now that I’ve actually met you, I don’t think I want you in my fleet anyway.”
Even if she wasn’t real, this illusion’s words cut me deeply. But I was able to reassure myself with the knowledge that the true Xhyunha would never say such a thing to me. Surely she’d want me in her fleet. And hers was the only fleet I wanted to be in.
Taking a deep breath, I gathered my courage and turned away from the ship and from Dream Xhyunha, leaving the theater without regret. And though news of a spaceship crashing through a theater screen and killing several people, injuring more, would later be reported, I knew that it had all been nothing but a ruse.
And I know it to this day.