Is there gum up my nose... Can you check?
REALITY IS OPTIONAL
April - e-zine
Alice In Gothland
by Lelainna Dahl
Tic toc tic toc chime
It was a simple rhyme
Alice sat all dressed in black
Trying to think back
To simpler phases
Easier phrases
“Maybe I can take a stroll
Yeah, that will calm my soul.”
Alice still dressed in black
Left the house without turning back
Little did she know
That her return would be slow
Tripping over a tree
Nothing more could she see
Falling down, down, down
Alice could just frown
Landing with a small thud
“Oh crud.”
Silently thinking
And slowly blinking
Surrounded by black and red
Alice had landed on a bed
“This is my kind of place,
But I have a dirty face.”
In search of a sink
She saw something pink
A rabbit in a coat
Saying a quote
“I’m late. I’m late
For a very important date.”
Running fast,
He ran right past
Poor Alice trying to keep up
She ran until she found a cup
Drink me read the label
Through the door are you able?
She drank and drank
Until her heart sank
“Why I’m so much smaller
And I need to be taller.”
There sat some cookies in a case
Eat me said the face
So she ate
And not a moment too late
She could go through the door
Leaving the floor
Alice walked to a garden with a queen
On Alice she seemed very keen
“Why darling you’re perfect
But your soul we must collect.”
Now Alice never liked her soul
It was the reason she was in this hole
“Hello there rabbit
Want my soul, have it.”
The rabbit walked off
The queen gave a scoff
“Darling, you’re mine
I hope that is fine”
“Quite fine indeed.
Now to my home will you lead?”
“Honey you gave your soul to me.
Now here forever shall you be.”
“Obviously you didn’t understand my words.
To return there would be absurd.
I like this place.
Can’t you see it in my face?
I want to live here instead
Or I’ll off my own head.”
“That could be arranged.
And yes, back there is deranged.”
“Now may I ask,
It is a simple task
My new home is called?”
“Gothland it is so-called.”
What a perfect name
And Alice became
Part of a world of make believe
Oh how her family will grieve
Tic toc tic toc chime
It was a simple rhyme
Alice sat all dressed in black
Trying to think back
To simpler phases
Easier phrases
“Maybe I can take a stroll
Yeah, that will calm my soul.”
Alice still dressed in black
Left the house without turning back
Little did she know
That her return would be slow
Tripping over a tree
Nothing more could she see
Falling down, down, down
Alice could just frown
Landing with a small thud
“Oh crud.”
Silently thinking
And slowly blinking
Surrounded by black and red
Alice had landed on a bed
“This is my kind of place,
But I have a dirty face.”
In search of a sink
She saw something pink
A rabbit in a coat
Saying a quote
“I’m late. I’m late
For a very important date.”
Running fast,
He ran right past
Poor Alice trying to keep up
She ran until she found a cup
Drink me read the label
Through the door are you able?
She drank and drank
Until her heart sank
“Why I’m so much smaller
And I need to be taller.”
There sat some cookies in a case
Eat me said the face
So she ate
And not a moment too late
She could go through the door
Leaving the floor
Alice walked to a garden with a queen
On Alice she seemed very keen
“Why darling you’re perfect
But your soul we must collect.”
Now Alice never liked her soul
It was the reason she was in this hole
“Hello there rabbit
Want my soul, have it.”
The rabbit walked off
The queen gave a scoff
“Darling, you’re mine
I hope that is fine”
“Quite fine indeed.
Now to my home will you lead?”
“Honey you gave your soul to me.
Now here forever shall you be.”
“Obviously you didn’t understand my words.
To return there would be absurd.
I like this place.
Can’t you see it in my face?
I want to live here instead
Or I’ll off my own head.”
“That could be arranged.
And yes, back there is deranged.”
“Now may I ask,
It is a simple task
My new home is called?”
“Gothland it is so-called.”
What a perfect name
And Alice became
Part of a world of make believe
Oh how her family will grieve
Please Don’t Embarrass Me!
(a skit by Jessica Chen and Emily Firmston)
Amy: Please don’t embarrass me tonight.
Fred: Why? It’s fun.
Amy: You have a problem.
Fred: What is that?
Amy: Being sadistic isn’t too good.
Fred: What I mean is that thing on the carpet.
Amy: Dunno, but it ain’t pretty.
Fred: Oh, that was me.
Amy: That’s gross.
Fred: I know you don’t want me to embarrass you.
Amy: Well, too late for that!
Fred: There’s your mom laughing her head off.
Amy: Ugh. Let me die.
Fred: Oww! Wassat for?
- Good doggy!
- Grrrr.
THE ALLEN KEY
By Emily Firmston
Allen Kee and his best friend Emma Tuff found that Allen’s magic kit had come in the mail. Allen grabbed the kit and snuck past his parents who were fighting – again, then ran up to his room with Emma following close behind.
“Finally!” said Allen, opening the kit on the floor. He pulled out a sparkling feather pen that had invisible ink that you had to hold up to the sun to read. A broken magic wand – that was supposed to be broken to do the trick of ripping dirty socks. There was a box with a wind up key to make your hand vanish. Then a shiny thing caught his eye. It was a little handle, way at the bottom of the box. Allen pulled it. A tiny door opened revealing a miniature compartment.
“What’s in it?” asked Emma.
“I don’t know.” Allen pulled an L shaped metal object out of the box. It was about as long as a pretzel stick. “It’s a metal banana!”
“It’s an allen key you dork!” said Emma grabbing it out of his hand. “It’s a tool for tightening and fixing things.”
“Ooo, since it’s a key, maybe it unlocks a door. And maybe, since it’s named after me, I can unlock the door.”
“It’s not named after you, you know. Anyway, your last name is spelled K-E-E. This is spelled K-E-Y. Big difference!”
Allen snatched the key away from Emma and waved it around. “Lock appear,” he said, with not much hope. A door appeared in the middle of his room. Allen started dancing and singing, “I told ya, I told ya. Uh huh, uh huh. I’m right. I’m right.”
“Oh right, you’re right. Now just unlock it and let’s go!” Emma with her adventurous spirit and curiosity grabbed the key from Allen, unlocked the door and twisted the handle. There was a faint click, a whirring noise and Allen’s room was gone.
“What the metal banana…?” said Allen stepping forward into the dimly lit forest that recently appeared. He took another step, tripped over a log and landed face first into an anthill
“I told you it’s not a metal banana. It’s an allen key.” Emma walked forward, avoiding the log, grabbed Allen’s hand and pulled him up.
They heard footsteps. They sounded quick and light-footed on the forest floor. Then they saw a looming shadow. And with every footstep it got smaller and smaller and smaller until… a little man appeared.
Allen started laughing. “So that’s what we were afraid of.”
“Hello. I am Jack in the Box.”
“You’re not in a box,” Allen said, spitting out three ants and looking at the strange man, who wore a weird hat. It looked like a jester’s hat.
“Okay, we don’t know you. See yah. Anyway, how do we get home?” Emma asked.
Jack said, “You are home.”
“No,” Emma said. “No we aren’t.”
“Oh, you’re right,” Jack said, covering his mouth. “Well, the king can send you home. I’ll take you to him.”
“Yeah, we’ll do it,” Emma said, commanding Allen with her look that said, oh yes, you’re coming with us.
“Follow me down the path. It’s pretty far, but if we stick on the path we will get to the king and you will get home,” Jack said, stepping forward.
They walked down the path and came to a broad, deep, fast river. There was a fallen log across it. Jack stepped onto the log. Allen followed him, slipped and knocked Jack into the wild, rushing water.
“You idiooooooooot!” Jack screamed, as he bumped down the rushing water, hitting every big rock there was.
“Everyone loves you Allen. I mean, look at that guy, he’s calling you an idiot. He’s so nice!” said Emma, wrapping her arm around his shoulder and hauling him up, yet again. “Let’s go.”
Once they got across the log, they followed the path until they came to a marsh. Allen said, “I want my Xbox.”
“You can play your Xbox. When we get home. If we do!” Emma sprinted across the sinking stepping stones. When she got off them, they all stopped sinking. “Just run quickly.”
“When have you ever seen me run quickly?” Allen stepped on the first stepping stone. It started sinking fast. “Help, help, help!” He started running really fast and got across. The stones sank completely. “Oh yeah! That’s the first time I haven’t tripped on something slippery.”
They went down the path. They saw a circle of fire in their way.
Allen said, “Can I have the flaming doughnut, please?”
Emma said, “Okay, go ahead. Eat it.”
Allen went up and bit into the flames. Then all of a sudden, it turned into a giant doughnut. “Aha! Boston Cream, my favorite.”
“Allen, Boston Cream isn’t the best flavour in the world. I like glazed better.”
Allen jumped into the middle of the doughnut and ate the cream. I think I’m going to bring some of this doughnut with us. I’m kind of hungry.”
They each put a whole lot of the giant doughnut in their school bags and carried some in their hands, while stuffing their faces. They walked further down the path. Allen tripped knocking Emma and himself into a deep, dark hole.
Emma smiled. “Great job Allen,” she said sweetly. “NOW WE’RE STUCK IN A HOLE!”
“Thank you Emma. I did my best.” Looking up, Allen called, “Someone help us!”
A squirrel came and looked into the hole.
Allen said, “I’ll give you a piece of this doughnut if you let down a vine so we can get out of here.”
The squirrel left and came back with three more squirrels and nuts in his hand. The squirrels started pelting them with nuts.
Then Allen sang, “It’s Boston Creee-eam.”
The squirrels stopped pelting them with nuts, ran off, got a vine and let the vine down for them to climb up. Allen paid them each in a piece of doughnut, then said, “Oh darn it, we’re out of doughnut.”
The squirrels started throwing nuts at them again so Allen directed them to the other half of the giant doughnut.
“Ooh, look at that sign,” Emma said. “That’s a nice sign there.”
Allen looked at the bright, flashing sign and read, “The Castle, That Way.” He pointed to the opposite direction of the sign. “It says the castle’s that way.”
“No, the castle’s that way,” Emma said, pointing the right way.
“Well the castle of doughnut is that way. I call dibs on the cream part!”
Emma grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him backwards down the path.
They finally arrived at the castle with Allen full of bruises and ant bites. They saw the king sitting on his thrown and beside him a sopping wet Jack muttering to himself. Emma marched up to the king and said, “We have one very important question.”
Allen came up beside her, “Yeah! Do you have an Xbox?”
Emma slapped him on one of his bigger ant bites. “No! Our very important question is, can you get us home?”
“Yes, yes,” the king said. “Just stand right where that little notch is. Just move a little tiny bit more.”
Emma said, “How’s this going to get us back?”
“Just wait,” the king said, holding out a controller. “I just have to push this button and you’ll get home.”
He pushed the button and the floor dropped from beneath them landing them in the dungeon.
“Boy, home has really changed,” Allen said, looking around. “Have my parents been doing renovations without telling me?”
Emma slapped her forehead. Two people emerged from the shadows.
Allen said, “Who are you people?”
“We’re your parents,” said a beautiful lady wearing rags.
“You aren’t my parents. My parents are always fighty and mean.”
“Yeah, definitely,” Emma agreed.
Allen’s parents told him about the past. How he was kidnapped by the evil king who put him in a different dimension with mean parents who always fought and yelled and stuff like that, and then locked up his real parents who happened to be the king and queen.
Emma said, “If only we could get out of this dumb dungeon we could fight the evil king.”
Allen pulled out his allen key and opened the door. “There you go. Can we go now? It’s getting a little stinky in here.” He saw a piece of paper on the floor. “Ooo, I like crayons.”
The allen key turned into a box of crayons.
Allen said, “Awesome! I’m going to draw a bunny.”
Allen’s dad said, “Allen, focus, we have to fight the king.”
Then Allen said, “All right, all right. Allen key, become a sword.” And the Allen Key turned into a sword.
Allen’s dad took the sword and went up to the evil king. The evil king started shouting and running away.
“Ha! Ha!” Allen laughed. “My dad’s going to win. That guy’s defenseless. Nothing could possibly go wrong.”
It started raining swords. Allen yelled, “Swordy season with a chance of shields! AAARRRRG!”
The evil king picked up a broad sword bigger than anything Allen had ever seen. And then …a giant shield rained down and bonked the him on the head, knocking the evil king out.
Allen said, “Thank goodness for shields. They’re not only a defense mechanism but also a weapon.”
Jack and the evil king were arrested by the rabbits of the forest, who weren’t actually rabbits, but squirrels in disguise. They even had their own theme music. And the sword turned back into the allen key.
“Power’s out,” Allen said, handing the allen key to Emma. “Keep it. It will be a key for you whenever you want to come back here.”
Emma asked, “You’re not going back to those mean goblins of parents?”
“No way. I can get as many Xboxes as I want here. All I have to do is turn allen key’s into what ever I need.”
Then Emma went home and Allen stayed with his parents and his parents never fought, ever again.
Photos: Nose and Bad Doggy - by Emily Firmston
Allen Kee and his best friend Emma Tuff found that Allen’s magic kit had come in the mail. Allen grabbed the kit and snuck past his parents who were fighting – again, then ran up to his room with Emma following close behind.
“Finally!” said Allen, opening the kit on the floor. He pulled out a sparkling feather pen that had invisible ink that you had to hold up to the sun to read. A broken magic wand – that was supposed to be broken to do the trick of ripping dirty socks. There was a box with a wind up key to make your hand vanish. Then a shiny thing caught his eye. It was a little handle, way at the bottom of the box. Allen pulled it. A tiny door opened revealing a miniature compartment.
“What’s in it?” asked Emma.
“I don’t know.” Allen pulled an L shaped metal object out of the box. It was about as long as a pretzel stick. “It’s a metal banana!”
“It’s an allen key you dork!” said Emma grabbing it out of his hand. “It’s a tool for tightening and fixing things.”
“Ooo, since it’s a key, maybe it unlocks a door. And maybe, since it’s named after me, I can unlock the door.”
“It’s not named after you, you know. Anyway, your last name is spelled K-E-E. This is spelled K-E-Y. Big difference!”
Allen snatched the key away from Emma and waved it around. “Lock appear,” he said, with not much hope. A door appeared in the middle of his room. Allen started dancing and singing, “I told ya, I told ya. Uh huh, uh huh. I’m right. I’m right.”
“Oh right, you’re right. Now just unlock it and let’s go!” Emma with her adventurous spirit and curiosity grabbed the key from Allen, unlocked the door and twisted the handle. There was a faint click, a whirring noise and Allen’s room was gone.
“What the metal banana…?” said Allen stepping forward into the dimly lit forest that recently appeared. He took another step, tripped over a log and landed face first into an anthill
“I told you it’s not a metal banana. It’s an allen key.” Emma walked forward, avoiding the log, grabbed Allen’s hand and pulled him up.
They heard footsteps. They sounded quick and light-footed on the forest floor. Then they saw a looming shadow. And with every footstep it got smaller and smaller and smaller until… a little man appeared.
Allen started laughing. “So that’s what we were afraid of.”
“Hello. I am Jack in the Box.”
“You’re not in a box,” Allen said, spitting out three ants and looking at the strange man, who wore a weird hat. It looked like a jester’s hat.
“Okay, we don’t know you. See yah. Anyway, how do we get home?” Emma asked.
Jack said, “You are home.”
“No,” Emma said. “No we aren’t.”
“Oh, you’re right,” Jack said, covering his mouth. “Well, the king can send you home. I’ll take you to him.”
“Yeah, we’ll do it,” Emma said, commanding Allen with her look that said, oh yes, you’re coming with us.
“Follow me down the path. It’s pretty far, but if we stick on the path we will get to the king and you will get home,” Jack said, stepping forward.
They walked down the path and came to a broad, deep, fast river. There was a fallen log across it. Jack stepped onto the log. Allen followed him, slipped and knocked Jack into the wild, rushing water.
“You idiooooooooot!” Jack screamed, as he bumped down the rushing water, hitting every big rock there was.
“Everyone loves you Allen. I mean, look at that guy, he’s calling you an idiot. He’s so nice!” said Emma, wrapping her arm around his shoulder and hauling him up, yet again. “Let’s go.”
Once they got across the log, they followed the path until they came to a marsh. Allen said, “I want my Xbox.”
“You can play your Xbox. When we get home. If we do!” Emma sprinted across the sinking stepping stones. When she got off them, they all stopped sinking. “Just run quickly.”
“When have you ever seen me run quickly?” Allen stepped on the first stepping stone. It started sinking fast. “Help, help, help!” He started running really fast and got across. The stones sank completely. “Oh yeah! That’s the first time I haven’t tripped on something slippery.”
They went down the path. They saw a circle of fire in their way.
Allen said, “Can I have the flaming doughnut, please?”
Emma said, “Okay, go ahead. Eat it.”
Allen went up and bit into the flames. Then all of a sudden, it turned into a giant doughnut. “Aha! Boston Cream, my favorite.”
“Allen, Boston Cream isn’t the best flavour in the world. I like glazed better.”
Allen jumped into the middle of the doughnut and ate the cream. I think I’m going to bring some of this doughnut with us. I’m kind of hungry.”
They each put a whole lot of the giant doughnut in their school bags and carried some in their hands, while stuffing their faces. They walked further down the path. Allen tripped knocking Emma and himself into a deep, dark hole.
Emma smiled. “Great job Allen,” she said sweetly. “NOW WE’RE STUCK IN A HOLE!”
“Thank you Emma. I did my best.” Looking up, Allen called, “Someone help us!”
A squirrel came and looked into the hole.
Allen said, “I’ll give you a piece of this doughnut if you let down a vine so we can get out of here.”
The squirrel left and came back with three more squirrels and nuts in his hand. The squirrels started pelting them with nuts.
Then Allen sang, “It’s Boston Creee-eam.”
The squirrels stopped pelting them with nuts, ran off, got a vine and let the vine down for them to climb up. Allen paid them each in a piece of doughnut, then said, “Oh darn it, we’re out of doughnut.”
The squirrels started throwing nuts at them again so Allen directed them to the other half of the giant doughnut.
“Ooh, look at that sign,” Emma said. “That’s a nice sign there.”
Allen looked at the bright, flashing sign and read, “The Castle, That Way.” He pointed to the opposite direction of the sign. “It says the castle’s that way.”
“No, the castle’s that way,” Emma said, pointing the right way.
“Well the castle of doughnut is that way. I call dibs on the cream part!”
Emma grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him backwards down the path.
They finally arrived at the castle with Allen full of bruises and ant bites. They saw the king sitting on his thrown and beside him a sopping wet Jack muttering to himself. Emma marched up to the king and said, “We have one very important question.”
Allen came up beside her, “Yeah! Do you have an Xbox?”
Emma slapped him on one of his bigger ant bites. “No! Our very important question is, can you get us home?”
“Yes, yes,” the king said. “Just stand right where that little notch is. Just move a little tiny bit more.”
Emma said, “How’s this going to get us back?”
“Just wait,” the king said, holding out a controller. “I just have to push this button and you’ll get home.”
He pushed the button and the floor dropped from beneath them landing them in the dungeon.
“Boy, home has really changed,” Allen said, looking around. “Have my parents been doing renovations without telling me?”
Emma slapped her forehead. Two people emerged from the shadows.
Allen said, “Who are you people?”
“We’re your parents,” said a beautiful lady wearing rags.
“You aren’t my parents. My parents are always fighty and mean.”
“Yeah, definitely,” Emma agreed.
Allen’s parents told him about the past. How he was kidnapped by the evil king who put him in a different dimension with mean parents who always fought and yelled and stuff like that, and then locked up his real parents who happened to be the king and queen.
Emma said, “If only we could get out of this dumb dungeon we could fight the evil king.”
Allen pulled out his allen key and opened the door. “There you go. Can we go now? It’s getting a little stinky in here.” He saw a piece of paper on the floor. “Ooo, I like crayons.”
The allen key turned into a box of crayons.
Allen said, “Awesome! I’m going to draw a bunny.”
Allen’s dad said, “Allen, focus, we have to fight the king.”
Then Allen said, “All right, all right. Allen key, become a sword.” And the Allen Key turned into a sword.
Allen’s dad took the sword and went up to the evil king. The evil king started shouting and running away.
“Ha! Ha!” Allen laughed. “My dad’s going to win. That guy’s defenseless. Nothing could possibly go wrong.”
It started raining swords. Allen yelled, “Swordy season with a chance of shields! AAARRRRG!”
The evil king picked up a broad sword bigger than anything Allen had ever seen. And then …a giant shield rained down and bonked the him on the head, knocking the evil king out.
Allen said, “Thank goodness for shields. They’re not only a defense mechanism but also a weapon.”
Jack and the evil king were arrested by the rabbits of the forest, who weren’t actually rabbits, but squirrels in disguise. They even had their own theme music. And the sword turned back into the allen key.
“Power’s out,” Allen said, handing the allen key to Emma. “Keep it. It will be a key for you whenever you want to come back here.”
Emma asked, “You’re not going back to those mean goblins of parents?”
“No way. I can get as many Xboxes as I want here. All I have to do is turn allen key’s into what ever I need.”
Then Emma went home and Allen stayed with his parents and his parents never fought, ever again.
Photos: Nose and Bad Doggy - by Emily Firmston