RIO's December E-Zine
Merry Weirdness
WE ARE CRAZY IN THE BASEMENT OF THE INHABITANTS OF RIO REIGNS THIS WORLD.
A Pirate Joke by Andrew Finch
A man sees a pirate in a bar, and is compelled to go have a chat with him.
Man: Oh wow! a real pirate! you've got a peg leg and everything!
Pirate: aye, lad! It was a stormy day at sea, and a rope hooked around me leg, and it pulled me leg clean off!
Man: wow! And you've got a hook hand too!
Pirate: Arr, I was bordin' an Enemy boat, and I lost me hand to a big man with only one ear!
Man: Amazing! And what about you eye patch?
Pirate: It was early in the mornin' and a seagull flew down, and pooped in me eye!
Man: I didn't know you could loose an eye to seagull poop.
Pirate: Well, you see, it was me first day with a hook.
Man: Oh wow! a real pirate! you've got a peg leg and everything!
Pirate: aye, lad! It was a stormy day at sea, and a rope hooked around me leg, and it pulled me leg clean off!
Man: wow! And you've got a hook hand too!
Pirate: Arr, I was bordin' an Enemy boat, and I lost me hand to a big man with only one ear!
Man: Amazing! And what about you eye patch?
Pirate: It was early in the mornin' and a seagull flew down, and pooped in me eye!
Man: I didn't know you could loose an eye to seagull poop.
Pirate: Well, you see, it was me first day with a hook.
Shakespeare by RIO
Hamlet by Em Williamson and Thomas Finch
Philip Hath Donned Dresses
by Peter Doerksen, Dylan Curle, and Caelan Nicol
Phillip hath donned dresses and stockings and was thereby speaking with his love, Audrey.
Act I, Scene I
A Teenage boy, bedroom.
Phillip: What is up my brother. If thou wouldst permit me to leave to speak candidly, I have met the absolute love of my life from the tip of my boots to the nerves on my hair. I must seek how worthy of I am of her.I shall donn female stems and set my course to her dwelling where I shall play to her favor and discover her feelings for Phillip. Latereth!
Act I, Scene I
A Teenage boy, bedroom.
Phillip: What is up my brother. If thou wouldst permit me to leave to speak candidly, I have met the absolute love of my life from the tip of my boots to the nerves on my hair. I must seek how worthy of I am of her.I shall donn female stems and set my course to her dwelling where I shall play to her favor and discover her feelings for Phillip. Latereth!
Something in the Punch by Ian Westacott and Rayann Kelly
Azure: Thy punch maketh though Dizzy
Doug: The punch tastith like ducks.
Azure: Ohth myth godth, thou be shiney! Is though a rapier?
Doug: No I be just a man
Azure: I thinkith I be drinking too muchith . . . I also thinkith thy is in love with thou.
Doug: I hath died.
Azure: It must beith thy punch. Mahahahaha I meanth. (Crying with a creepy smile)
Doug: The punch tastith like ducks.
Azure: Ohth myth godth, thou be shiney! Is though a rapier?
Doug: No I be just a man
Azure: I thinkith I be drinking too muchith . . . I also thinkith thy is in love with thou.
Doug: I hath died.
Azure: It must beith thy punch. Mahahahaha I meanth. (Crying with a creepy smile)
Mr/Ms. Slash the Tragedy by Emma Train, Delaney Nicol, and Dawson Meier
Mr./Ms. Slash see a beautiful person on a C-Train.
"Oh what is that? It is the mosteth beautifuleth personith I have ever seeneth."
Emma: You licked it?
Dawysnn: Yes . . .
Delaney: Oh noeth . . .
After they FINALLY got together at a grocery story, Bobeth finds out that Mr./Ms. Slash was cursed on its sixteenth birthday when it would drop dead like this:
"I am DYINGETH! Bleh."
It is its sixteenth birthday.
"Give me the corpse. I want it!"
*Ripples*
*Sparkly Ripples*
Mr. Brobo holds up a piece of raw meat.
"Here Mr./Ms. Slash!"
Mr./Ms. Slash comes. Mr. "Bro" Brobo holdeths a deadth frog (called Jimmy) above Mr./Ms/ Slash. "Nesh mock ne foi le toi ne poi de poopoola olva."
YOU ARE NOWETH CURSEDETH ON YOUR SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAYETH with deatheth!
"Oh nooo!"
Jimmy says: . . . (he's dead).
"Oh what is that? It is the mosteth beautifuleth personith I have ever seeneth."
Emma: You licked it?
Dawysnn: Yes . . .
Delaney: Oh noeth . . .
After they FINALLY got together at a grocery story, Bobeth finds out that Mr./Ms. Slash was cursed on its sixteenth birthday when it would drop dead like this:
"I am DYINGETH! Bleh."
It is its sixteenth birthday.
"Give me the corpse. I want it!"
*Ripples*
*Sparkly Ripples*
Mr. Brobo holds up a piece of raw meat.
"Here Mr./Ms. Slash!"
Mr./Ms. Slash comes. Mr. "Bro" Brobo holdeths a deadth frog (called Jimmy) above Mr./Ms/ Slash. "Nesh mock ne foi le toi ne poi de poopoola olva."
YOU ARE NOWETH CURSEDETH ON YOUR SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAYETH with deatheth!
"Oh nooo!"
Jimmy says: . . . (he's dead).
BroShakey by Sierra Libin, Mary Innes, and George Doerksen
Ghost: Yo Dawg.
Hams: I will.
Ghost: Dude, I'm going back to the hell-hood soon.
Hams: Alas! Poor ghost.
Ghost: No way Ham-Dawg, get your mother-BEEPing listen on.
Hams: Speak, I am bound to hear.
Ghost: Ya gonna need to bust up my homedog Claudius for me.
Hams: What?
Ghost: Bro, I'm your old man and I'm chillin' in hell but BEEP's so wild I can't even tell you . Everything's like horror and BEEP.
Hams: O God!
Ghost: Dude it was murder.
Hams: Murder!
Ghost: Was BEEPing terrible dude, like worse than you street cred gettin' wrecked.
Hams: Haste me to know't the I , with wings as swift as meditation or the thoughts of love may sweep to my revenge.
Ghost: You got this bro. Now I was napping in the garden. A dude needs his shut-eye ya know? When that little BEEP Cladius dripped poison venom in my ear. I mean who does that? Not cool dude. Not cool. And now he's king? What the BEEP?
Hams: Oh my prophetic soul! My uncle?
Ghost: Yeah, that BEEP. He's a BEEP-BEEP liar I tell you dawg and he stole my girl. Now he a BEEP and she a BEEP. She practically got a mattress on her back that BEEP. I mean I thought she wanted a secure dude but as soon as I up an die she's a BEEP.
Yo shhh dued.
The sun's shining its BEEPing face on the hood. Gotta get my talk on.
Well I was gettin' my beauty sleep and then that BEEP head poisoned me. Poison dawg! Like BEEP this! He killed me!
Now my girl's a BEEP and that BEEP Claudius is king and I need you to sort this BEEP out Hammie.
Gotta fly dude. Your homies are comign. Catch you later.
Hams: I will.
Ghost: Dude, I'm going back to the hell-hood soon.
Hams: Alas! Poor ghost.
Ghost: No way Ham-Dawg, get your mother-BEEPing listen on.
Hams: Speak, I am bound to hear.
Ghost: Ya gonna need to bust up my homedog Claudius for me.
Hams: What?
Ghost: Bro, I'm your old man and I'm chillin' in hell but BEEP's so wild I can't even tell you . Everything's like horror and BEEP.
Hams: O God!
Ghost: Dude it was murder.
Hams: Murder!
Ghost: Was BEEPing terrible dude, like worse than you street cred gettin' wrecked.
Hams: Haste me to know't the I , with wings as swift as meditation or the thoughts of love may sweep to my revenge.
Ghost: You got this bro. Now I was napping in the garden. A dude needs his shut-eye ya know? When that little BEEP Cladius dripped poison venom in my ear. I mean who does that? Not cool dude. Not cool. And now he's king? What the BEEP?
Hams: Oh my prophetic soul! My uncle?
Ghost: Yeah, that BEEP. He's a BEEP-BEEP liar I tell you dawg and he stole my girl. Now he a BEEP and she a BEEP. She practically got a mattress on her back that BEEP. I mean I thought she wanted a secure dude but as soon as I up an die she's a BEEP.
Yo shhh dued.
The sun's shining its BEEPing face on the hood. Gotta get my talk on.
Well I was gettin' my beauty sleep and then that BEEP head poisoned me. Poison dawg! Like BEEP this! He killed me!
Now my girl's a BEEP and that BEEP Claudius is king and I need you to sort this BEEP out Hammie.
Gotta fly dude. Your homies are comign. Catch you later.
Doth Thou Wield a Baguette? by Alexis Kelly and Andrew Finch
Othello: Here they weedy full-gorged skainsmate! Charge thee, yield unto thee one bagel.
Iago: Why should one such as I give unto a bagel to a codpiece such as thou?
Othello: Though mewling fen-sucked lout! Yield unto thee one bagel or be smited!
Iago: Ha! Though does not wield a blade.
Othello grabs a baguette.
Othello: But a baguette has I. Yield unto me a bagel or feel death by bread!
Iago grabs a baguette.
Othello: Fool, I am a champion of thy bread battle!
Iago: Ha! We shall see about that! You frothy swag-bellied scullian.
They duel. Iago wins.
Othello: I am slain!
Desdemona walks in.
Desdemona: What has they done? That was thous twin brother seperated at birth.
Iago: No! It shall not be true! I have slain my own flesh and blood!
Iago: Why should one such as I give unto a bagel to a codpiece such as thou?
Othello: Though mewling fen-sucked lout! Yield unto thee one bagel or be smited!
Iago: Ha! Though does not wield a blade.
Othello grabs a baguette.
Othello: But a baguette has I. Yield unto me a bagel or feel death by bread!
Iago grabs a baguette.
Othello: Fool, I am a champion of thy bread battle!
Iago: Ha! We shall see about that! You frothy swag-bellied scullian.
They duel. Iago wins.
Othello: I am slain!
Desdemona walks in.
Desdemona: What has they done? That was thous twin brother seperated at birth.
Iago: No! It shall not be true! I have slain my own flesh and blood!
Neighbors by Teighan Jones and Emily Firmston
Kate: Dad! I'm going to visit the neighbors!
Baptista: All right sweetie. Try not to seek revenge!
Kate: We don't know they're the same people.
Baptista: The last neighbors turned out to be my ex-wife. So who knows?
Kate: True.
Kate walks outside. Petruchio is raising his middle finger.
Petruchio: What are you doing here, asshat?
Kate: But the real question is why are you here, you beetle-headed maggot?
Petruchio: Cruel. You hurt me. You still haven't answered my question, you eel skin.
Kate: See, we were here first, so leave to whatever mudpit you crawled from!
Petruchio: If anyone lives in a mud pit, it's you, mewling fen-sucked lout!
Kate: You are misunderstood. I live here.
Petruchio: Tch. Unwashed strumpet.
Kate: You're in my hood now. don't you use that kind of weeb speak.
Petruchio: Thou tottering rumpted jolt-head! Though wouldst eat thy dead vomit up, and howl'st to find it. Though disembling milk-livred maggot pie! Though venomed beetle-headed mammet. You disgust me.
Kate: Come, say that to my face, you butter faced maggot, son of a fat kidneyed bugbear.
Petruchio: Huh. I think you're growing on me.
Petruchio exits into his house. Kate stands shocked.
Kate: I . . . I . . . *sigh*
Baptista: All right sweetie. Try not to seek revenge!
Kate: We don't know they're the same people.
Baptista: The last neighbors turned out to be my ex-wife. So who knows?
Kate: True.
Kate walks outside. Petruchio is raising his middle finger.
Petruchio: What are you doing here, asshat?
Kate: But the real question is why are you here, you beetle-headed maggot?
Petruchio: Cruel. You hurt me. You still haven't answered my question, you eel skin.
Kate: See, we were here first, so leave to whatever mudpit you crawled from!
Petruchio: If anyone lives in a mud pit, it's you, mewling fen-sucked lout!
Kate: You are misunderstood. I live here.
Petruchio: Tch. Unwashed strumpet.
Kate: You're in my hood now. don't you use that kind of weeb speak.
Petruchio: Thou tottering rumpted jolt-head! Though wouldst eat thy dead vomit up, and howl'st to find it. Though disembling milk-livred maggot pie! Though venomed beetle-headed mammet. You disgust me.
Kate: Come, say that to my face, you butter faced maggot, son of a fat kidneyed bugbear.
Petruchio: Huh. I think you're growing on me.
Petruchio exits into his house. Kate stands shocked.
Kate: I . . . I . . . *sigh*
RIO GIVES TO THE STARVING ARTISTS
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Tim by Andrew Finch
Tim was not always sad. There was a time when he did not see the world in depressing shades of grey. A time when he was proud and happy. A time before the war. Tim fought hard and long for what he believed in. But in the end, he fell. There was a time when he had a family; a younger brother and sister. But they were gone, and Tim will never see them again. Tim tries to make up for what happened, to forget what he did, and what was done to him. He tries to forget his siblings. It’s the only way he can make it through each day without giving up and wishing that he could end it all. If only he could. What had started out as a blessing had soon become a curse, just as Tim could be anyone, anywhere, he could never die. Tim can never truly become attached to anything, because it will not last forever. There is a tiny part of Tim that still believes that he is not the last of his kind; that the others were not wiped out by the same monster that cursed him to wander, never truly finding a home. He hopes that someday, he will find the others that survived the war. The war against an infallible enemy. The war against a unbeatable foe. The war against the Sad Volley Ball.
*To those of you who can't figure it out, this is from Tim's point of view. All things that are said here is what he believes. I'm not saying that Sad Volley Ball is evil. It's just what Tim thinks.
*To those of you who can't figure it out, this is from Tim's point of view. All things that are said here is what he believes. I'm not saying that Sad Volley Ball is evil. It's just what Tim thinks.
Characters by Olive DiCintio
I want the beautifully broken ones, the ones with a utility belt of supplies that could save them but they always end up using them to save others. Not because they are looking for attention, but because they don't even think of it. The ones that never have the thought of "hey, I need help too" because they don't cross their own minds and no, they don't cross anyone else's either. I want the ones that never get stories that they can relate to, or song lyrics that seem to have been sung just for them, because nothing will ever be close to what they live and exist in. I want personalities sewn within bruised and battered bodies. I want souls that are more worn down than the ones in their shoes. I want the characters that can't be explained. The phenomenons that nobody even realizes need investigating. I want the ACTUAL "not your average girls". I want the REAL "he's not like other boys"s. Because while anyone on earth could claim like they aren't like everyone else, there's 15 million people who say the same thing. The ones that stand out don't, because they'd rather slink down. The real shooting stars hold their fire and let the meteorites be seen first. The ones who should be under the spotlight are in the booth working it for the actors. And maybe while in theaters the light and sound guys always get a shout-out and applause, real life is not a script and there is only one playwright in the world, and he is never in favour of the tech crew.
Line Art by Andrew Finch
All of these pictures were made with only one continues line.
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Theme Songs for Anime that Should be Real
Akuma Underwater
Maid is my goal!
Ahh, the undersea world
So many demons
This is fabulous!
Clean the blood from my broom and serve tea
I must be the best
I am breathing underwater
You and me, it's time
To MURDER in rhyme
No reason in this life
Now it's time to pay the price
(Repeat x2)
Ahh, the undersea world
So many demons
This is fabulous!
Clean the blood from my broom and serve tea
I must be the best
I am breathing underwater
You and me, it's time
To MURDER in rhyme
No reason in this life
Now it's time to pay the price
(Repeat x2)
Aki by Emily Firmston
Aki, a young sea dwelling demon hunter has taken her first step toward her lifelong goal, to be the best maid ever! Demons are getting in the way of her job, making huge messes for her. No, they aren't trying to kill her, just trying to make her lose her job. Aki is also starting to take an interest in her boss' son.
Art on Attack on Titan lyrics by Emily Firmston
Insert Coin
The best stuffed animals does not exist
They are very all good (x3)
Light without air samurai
Games without a life equals empty
They are very all good (x3)
Sucked into the young samarai
Game embedded there
Fighting will destroy the stuffed
Animal that he is now alive
They very are all good (x3)
Need to complete my quest
Or I will be commited
Very good they all are.
They are very all good (x3)
Light without air samurai
Games without a life equals empty
They are very all good (x3)
Sucked into the young samarai
Game embedded there
Fighting will destroy the stuffed
Animal that he is now alive
They very are all good (x3)
Need to complete my quest
Or I will be commited
Very good they all are.
Rock-Star Wars Zone
In the war of 1812 the rockstar came
It had no goal, it hand no name
He thought the papaya
He betrayed the papaya
Because he was a lie’ya
They are very all good.
How do cows in?
How is cattle?
Rockstar war zone are very all good
And budget low are here.
Season one: Hero-Possesed Guitar
Time – War of 1812
* funded by the federal historical society
It had no goal, it hand no name
He thought the papaya
He betrayed the papaya
Because he was a lie’ya
They are very all good.
How do cows in?
How is cattle?
Rockstar war zone are very all good
And budget low are here.
Season one: Hero-Possesed Guitar
Time – War of 1812
* funded by the federal historical society
Cleopatra
I have escaped to Edo Japan
What do they think?
All I wanted was for Mr. Brobo to love back to me.
In jail for what I did not do.
Jimmy the dead frog thing gave me away
And then Mr/Ms Slash drank my coffee
I am free from my captors
I need sushi!
Someone just ordered a California roll
Mmm. . . California roll
But I have to deliver it
And I . . . Can’t . . . Eat. . . It. . .
Try to forget about it
Or they will lower pay raise
I’m already so far below minimum wage
Perhaps I can get a job on an anime
A customer caugt me eating their noodles
I was almost fired, but I bribed my boss
Now I will run before I am caught
If anyone asks, you never saw me
And if you tell anyone that you did I will kill you.
Stay tuned for episode one: “My coffee was poisoned? Wait! What?”
What do they think?
All I wanted was for Mr. Brobo to love back to me.
In jail for what I did not do.
Jimmy the dead frog thing gave me away
And then Mr/Ms Slash drank my coffee
I am free from my captors
I need sushi!
Someone just ordered a California roll
Mmm. . . California roll
But I have to deliver it
And I . . . Can’t . . . Eat. . . It. . .
Try to forget about it
Or they will lower pay raise
I’m already so far below minimum wage
Perhaps I can get a job on an anime
A customer caugt me eating their noodles
I was almost fired, but I bribed my boss
Now I will run before I am caught
If anyone asks, you never saw me
And if you tell anyone that you did I will kill you.
Stay tuned for episode one: “My coffee was poisoned? Wait! What?”
By Ana Malick
Not our song - art enhancements by Ana Malick
Mecha Suit Operators
Theme song: Out The Window
In the window dead
They all die
Murder Everyone
Catch bounty
No not caught
Get moneys
No moneys
Justice
No exist
Quest
No Success
No no no
In the window dead
They all dead
Dying
Dead
Un-alive
Not quite living
Life impaired
Decaying
Doomed
Fading
More buns
Decline
Disintegrate
Ebbing
Fated
Death’s door
Present
End rope
For done
Ghost up
No legs
In the window dead
Death happens
I nomming door
Inomming neck
Vampy
Nameless
Chasing Bounty
No success
In the window dead
God with the blood stains god.
Episode one: Vampires
A vampire, nom nom neck, shining bright like a diamond, vigorous teeth brusher, no name, off to catch the chick. No friends. Artimes the bounty vamp. Just watch . . . #meception
51 episodes.
In the window dead
They all die
Murder Everyone
Catch bounty
No not caught
Get moneys
No moneys
Justice
No exist
Quest
No Success
No no no
In the window dead
They all dead
Dying
Dead
Un-alive
Not quite living
Life impaired
Decaying
Doomed
Fading
More buns
Decline
Disintegrate
Ebbing
Fated
Death’s door
Present
End rope
For done
Ghost up
No legs
In the window dead
Death happens
I nomming door
Inomming neck
Vampy
Nameless
Chasing Bounty
No success
In the window dead
God with the blood stains god.
Episode one: Vampires
A vampire, nom nom neck, shining bright like a diamond, vigorous teeth brusher, no name, off to catch the chick. No friends. Artimes the bounty vamp. Just watch . . . #meception
51 episodes.
Monster Rebellion
Title song: Terrible Creatures do not make Sense in a Senseless Love World
Watching through the windows of my memory for love
Never falling to our quest
Finding terrible in moments to win the end
Onward fight La La La La (x3)
I want to protect your mind from world senseless
To save madmen from world
As if their responsibility for justice
Stop creatures the fighting world
Onward fight La La La La (x3)
Madness fighting
First season: Madman who creates evil creatures and rule the world. Living in Iceland. Ordinary day as a corporate executive (13 years old). Employees are gold fish. Fires hulking monster. Monster goes on rampage. Corporate executive becomes a rebel of the company to save the world from said monster. Monster rearranges living rooms. Corporate executive swears vengeance. Season ends with cut scene of evil madman in charge is really a crazy cat lady who commands the monster to blow up Corporate executive’s garden.
Watching through the windows of my memory for love
Never falling to our quest
Finding terrible in moments to win the end
Onward fight La La La La (x3)
I want to protect your mind from world senseless
To save madmen from world
As if their responsibility for justice
Stop creatures the fighting world
Onward fight La La La La (x3)
Madness fighting
First season: Madman who creates evil creatures and rule the world. Living in Iceland. Ordinary day as a corporate executive (13 years old). Employees are gold fish. Fires hulking monster. Monster goes on rampage. Corporate executive becomes a rebel of the company to save the world from said monster. Monster rearranges living rooms. Corporate executive swears vengeance. Season ends with cut scene of evil madman in charge is really a crazy cat lady who commands the monster to blow up Corporate executive’s garden.
Tennis Warrior: Samurai Quest
Power Tennis
I am an epic adventure
It’s a legend
A legend of the amazing tennis
Tennis is aware of the samurai
Tennis is the only way of life
Tennis is the only way of life
I’m an epic adventure
On the quest for samurai
Magic tennis, magical samurai
Magical samurai
magical samurai
it’s a legend, a legend of the amazing tennis
Tennis legend!
Seize the power!
Realm holds the magic
Magic
holds the realm
Realm of tennis magic!
Samurai wins tennis magic FTW
Monochrome life
Tennis warrior: Samurai quest
Kaira wa saigo ni shinu
Stay tuned for the first episode: Serve, the tennis!
I am an epic adventure
It’s a legend
A legend of the amazing tennis
Tennis is aware of the samurai
Tennis is the only way of life
Tennis is the only way of life
I’m an epic adventure
On the quest for samurai
Magic tennis, magical samurai
Magical samurai
magical samurai
it’s a legend, a legend of the amazing tennis
Tennis legend!
Seize the power!
Realm holds the magic
Magic
holds the realm
Realm of tennis magic!
Samurai wins tennis magic FTW
Monochrome life
Tennis warrior: Samurai quest
Kaira wa saigo ni shinu
Stay tuned for the first episode: Serve, the tennis!
Volley Cat, Hairball Spray!
Cat ears up!
Sports club hairball
Yeah!
Volly serve wee
La la la la la la!
Challenge volley style.
Whoo!
Volley hair ball for the win
String are too distracting
Cat ears up!
Volleyball
Sports club hairball
Yeah!
Volly serve wee
La la la la la la!
Challenge volley style.
Whoo!
Volley hair ball for the win
String are too distracting
Cat ears up!
Volleyball
Art inspired by Love Angel Legend Wedding Peach - Wedding Wars - Love is a Flame (art by Andrew Finch)