JANUARY E-ZINE
**Featuring guest editor - Alexis Kelly! Thanks Alexis!!!
Worlds & How to Open Your Novel (or not?)
HAPPY NEW FRANCESCO!! This new year (AKA 2018) will for now and ever be known as Francesco. RIO does this to prevent the apocalypse - because who ever heard of an apocalypse happening in Francesco? RIO is saving the world for you. You are welcome! :)
The Girls Rock Camp music video by the AWCS Media Club
A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT by the Novelmancers
Bad Openings for a Book by Gates Ogilvie
General
The building, which could be found somewhere in the city on a street corner was quiet, because no one was inside just yet. Raynell was about to change that.
Historical Fiction
In the distant past there was an event that was generally important to the people of the world. This event is where the story takes place.
Canadian Fiction
She lived at the bottom of a bottle. A bottle that used to have maple syrup.
--
The moose was born on a striking day, a Wednesday, when the sun was slithering into the sky and it was pretty chill, like a small maple leaf that crackles against palm trees and makes nearby people go, “oh, that’s cool.”
Dramatic Steampunk
Her eyes were like the brown cogs of a rusty machine, orbs like that one product everyone bought in like 2010 called orbeez where you add water and they expand, but the orbs were her eyes. They weren’t pinks or blues they were like brown cogs of a rusty machine.
The building, which could be found somewhere in the city on a street corner was quiet, because no one was inside just yet. Raynell was about to change that.
Historical Fiction
In the distant past there was an event that was generally important to the people of the world. This event is where the story takes place.
Canadian Fiction
She lived at the bottom of a bottle. A bottle that used to have maple syrup.
--
The moose was born on a striking day, a Wednesday, when the sun was slithering into the sky and it was pretty chill, like a small maple leaf that crackles against palm trees and makes nearby people go, “oh, that’s cool.”
Dramatic Steampunk
Her eyes were like the brown cogs of a rusty machine, orbs like that one product everyone bought in like 2010 called orbeez where you add water and they expand, but the orbs were her eyes. They weren’t pinks or blues they were like brown cogs of a rusty machine.
Jim had decided he had had enough. Janet had made him suffer in a way he could only replicate with torture – which he believed was a kinder fate than he had been subjected to by that evil wench – every time Janet had invited Jim over for any variety of party, Janet served Jim sparkling water, despite owning – and drinking – sparkling juice. This was inexcusable. She had to die.
--
Seth stood, contemplating life and the town of people watching him, with a bit more apathy than a person being burned alive should.
--
Three teenagers walked into a bar. They were kicked out for reasons unrelated to alcohol.
--
The large man working on a contraption stood back to admire his work. He hasn’t realized, however, that his coal power model would blow up in his face, literally.
--
Seth stood, contemplating life and the town of people watching him, with a bit more apathy than a person being burned alive should.
--
Three teenagers walked into a bar. They were kicked out for reasons unrelated to alcohol.
--
The large man working on a contraption stood back to admire his work. He hasn’t realized, however, that his coal power model would blow up in his face, literally.
Terrible Novel Beginnings by Michelle Park
“Hi,” said Sam, “I have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia. It’s a fear of long words!”
“Once upon a time there was this girl,” she smiled.
Then he died. Then she died. The END
--
It was 9:00 AM when Boyd and gang set out to find the long lost material that shined like a jewel in their eyes that was the rarest material in the world and was highly valued among blacksmiths and forgers . . . concrete.
“Hi,” said Sam, “I have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia. It’s a fear of long words!”
“Once upon a time there was this girl,” she smiled.
Then he died. Then she died. The END
--
It was 9:00 AM when Boyd and gang set out to find the long lost material that shined like a jewel in their eyes that was the rarest material in the world and was highly valued among blacksmiths and forgers . . . concrete.
Bad Openings by Stella Quast
“Fight me!”
“K”
They fought.
“We’re going to die. We’re going to die. We’re going to dead.”
“That’s not grammering.”
“Once upon a time all my friends died and I went to a therapist.”
--
“It’s a bird. It’s a plane.”
“It’s a beagle, you idiot.”
Superman flew through the sky and crashed into the Twin Towers. 9/11
--
“Aliens and shit,” the first mate mooed as the spacey ship came to a soft thudding stop.
--
I was dead. I was actually a headless, decapitated, radioactive zombie who walked like a pool noodle – float like a butternut squash, sting like a and get distracted easily, gummy bears.
“Fight me!”
“K”
They fought.
“We’re going to die. We’re going to die. We’re going to dead.”
“That’s not grammering.”
“Once upon a time all my friends died and I went to a therapist.”
--
“It’s a bird. It’s a plane.”
“It’s a beagle, you idiot.”
Superman flew through the sky and crashed into the Twin Towers. 9/11
--
“Aliens and shit,” the first mate mooed as the spacey ship came to a soft thudding stop.
--
I was dead. I was actually a headless, decapitated, radioactive zombie who walked like a pool noodle – float like a butternut squash, sting like a and get distracted easily, gummy bears.
Excerpts by Kim Firmston
Jeet lowered the gravity on the ship like a newly pubescent teen lowering their expectations at having any kind of life outside of homework and chores, with all the depression and listlessness that camee with it. This is the end, Jeet thought, and it was.
--
The bunnies hopped, the grass bloomed, the birds chirped, the secret police kissed babies and re-educated teen panhandlers with their jolt sticks – all was right with the world.
--
“whirr, clank” the computer screeched as it did the calculations to get them into the space port. However, the calculations were definitely off as the cafeteria rushed towards the windscreen to the point where the captain could see the pecans on the pecan pie.
--
White bread, soft and speckled with holes, had nothing on the body that lay in the middle of the room but from the possible murder weapons which lay around – the pipe, the wrench, the rope, the candlestick, it was obvious the plumber had done it, or at least the junk dealer
Jeet lowered the gravity on the ship like a newly pubescent teen lowering their expectations at having any kind of life outside of homework and chores, with all the depression and listlessness that camee with it. This is the end, Jeet thought, and it was.
--
The bunnies hopped, the grass bloomed, the birds chirped, the secret police kissed babies and re-educated teen panhandlers with their jolt sticks – all was right with the world.
--
“whirr, clank” the computer screeched as it did the calculations to get them into the space port. However, the calculations were definitely off as the cafeteria rushed towards the windscreen to the point where the captain could see the pecans on the pecan pie.
--
White bread, soft and speckled with holes, had nothing on the body that lay in the middle of the room but from the possible murder weapons which lay around – the pipe, the wrench, the rope, the candlestick, it was obvious the plumber had done it, or at least the junk dealer
Holiday Recipes (for disaster?)
Anamatronic Fruitcake by Rachel R.
Ingredients
Mix jello, and motor oil. Gradually stir in WD-40. Cook for 10 minutes at 240 degrees F. Top with tabasco sauce and glitter.
Ingredients
- 4 teaspoons of tabasco sauce
- 2 cups of motor oil
- ½ cup of WD-40
- 1 teaspoon of glitter (non-edible preferred)
- 2 cups of jello
Mix jello, and motor oil. Gradually stir in WD-40. Cook for 10 minutes at 240 degrees F. Top with tabasco sauce and glitter.
The Magic of Christmas Recipe by Nadia
Ingredients
|
Recipe for Big Shaq Cocktail by ?
Ingredients
Ingredients
- 1 cup of snowflakes
- 4000 cups of holographic glitter
- 1 cup of cranberry juice
- The tears of 700 children
- Mix together the snowflakes with dat holo. Stir until combined.
- Mix cranberry and juice. Set aside.
- Mix wet and dry ingredients. Serve to the children.
- SERVE TO THE CHILDREN.
Caring for your animatronic bun bun by ?
- Rock it to sleep
- Feed animatronic carrots
- Scratch behind it’s ears
- Kiss it on the head
- Sing death metal to it softly
Fix That Library Book! by CPL RIO Pod Central
Managing Happiness
by Actie
Step Uno: Manage not what need not be managed.
Managing Happiness
by Dave Stallion
Think long and hard about life, and how you’re going to die and that you’re just here to reproduce. Life is basically meaningless, remember that.
Managing Happiness
by Alex Johnson
Find ways to mask your happiness. Act like you aren’t as happy as you truly are.
Managing Happiness
by Kim Firmston
Too happy for you goth friends? Laughing out loud in physics? Pink frock not fitting in at the vampire club? Manage your happiness in this easy step: stop it.
by Actie
Step Uno: Manage not what need not be managed.
Managing Happiness
by Dave Stallion
Think long and hard about life, and how you’re going to die and that you’re just here to reproduce. Life is basically meaningless, remember that.
Managing Happiness
by Alex Johnson
Find ways to mask your happiness. Act like you aren’t as happy as you truly are.
Managing Happiness
by Kim Firmston
Too happy for you goth friends? Laughing out loud in physics? Pink frock not fitting in at the vampire club? Manage your happiness in this easy step: stop it.
Dating you hating you
by Dave Stallion
Dating you Hating You
by Kim Firmston
Step One: As you date the love of your life locate a long term poison.
Step Two: Give the poison every day.
Step Three: Enjoy their suffering as they slowly die in your arms.
Dating you hating you
by Alex Johnson
Get a cat.
by Dave Stallion
- Stress eat ice cream
- Punch or scream into a pillow
- Mask your sadness with anime n’ stuff
- EAT
Dating you Hating You
by Kim Firmston
Step One: As you date the love of your life locate a long term poison.
Step Two: Give the poison every day.
Step Three: Enjoy their suffering as they slowly die in your arms.
Dating you hating you
by Alex Johnson
Get a cat.
Running with the Devil
by Alex Johnson
Dear Diary,
Today me and my fellow following went running with Lucifer himself! Along the way we did many fun things such as sacrificing kittens and young children. We had a run in with a vile Christian who wanted to put a stop to our fun! But we put an end to that by sacrificing them too.
Running with the Devil
by Dave Stallion
This diary is rocking hail Satan. We do some hella cool stuff.
Running with the Devil
by Kim Firmston
Dear Diary,
The devil has really upped his game! This summer we’ve been training hard but the old Satie – he’s been pushing it. He ran so fast this morning he lit his runners on fire! Crazy. This afternoon we took it easy, jogging by the beach. We even hit the ice cream stand. Our summer holiday training session has been so much fun!
by Alex Johnson
Dear Diary,
Today me and my fellow following went running with Lucifer himself! Along the way we did many fun things such as sacrificing kittens and young children. We had a run in with a vile Christian who wanted to put a stop to our fun! But we put an end to that by sacrificing them too.
Running with the Devil
by Dave Stallion
This diary is rocking hail Satan. We do some hella cool stuff.
Running with the Devil
by Kim Firmston
Dear Diary,
The devil has really upped his game! This summer we’ve been training hard but the old Satie – he’s been pushing it. He ran so fast this morning he lit his runners on fire! Crazy. This afternoon we took it easy, jogging by the beach. We even hit the ice cream stand. Our summer holiday training session has been so much fun!
Fluffy
by Alex Johnson
One there was a bunny named Fluffy. Fluffy was a mean little guy. He liked to torment his friends by putting spiders in their shoes. Nobody likes Fluffy. Don’ t be like Fluffy.
Fluffy
by Dave Stallion
Fluffy is my pet. He is a big doggo. He poops a lot. His poop is bigger than my five year old sister. Turns out Fluffy is a horse. The end.
Fluffy
by Kim Firmston
Fluffy
Clouds are fluffy
Sheep are fluffy
The bread is fluffy
The soup is fluffy
The body in the corner is fluffy
Are zombies fluffy?
Let’s open the door to find out.
by Alex Johnson
One there was a bunny named Fluffy. Fluffy was a mean little guy. He liked to torment his friends by putting spiders in their shoes. Nobody likes Fluffy. Don’ t be like Fluffy.
Fluffy
by Dave Stallion
Fluffy is my pet. He is a big doggo. He poops a lot. His poop is bigger than my five year old sister. Turns out Fluffy is a horse. The end.
Fluffy
by Kim Firmston
Fluffy
Clouds are fluffy
Sheep are fluffy
The bread is fluffy
The soup is fluffy
The body in the corner is fluffy
Are zombies fluffy?
Let’s open the door to find out.
The hanging girl
by Alex Johnson
A soft gagging could be heard. The room was dark and all that could be heard was the sort of gagging and gasping. It sickened you to think about it you can’t do anything as you watch her struggle, which is a shame, since you have known her your whole life. Soon enough though everything went silent and you feel a lot better. You go up to her dangling feet and bark she must be sleeping. Silly human. She should wake up soon and everything would be better.
The hanging girl
by Dave Stallion
A girl hangs out at the graveyard. Her hair is short and straight. Her face, non-existent. She’s a spoopy ghost. She died from asphyxiation.
The hanging out girl
by Kim Firmston
Janice loved to hang out with everyone. She hung out with people from school, helping them with their homework. She hung out with celebrities giving them publicity advice and always ending up in the shots holding a peace sign. She hung out with the Prime Minister and made him pancakes in the morning. And she hung out on the space station but had trouble leaving because she was told not to use the exit door. So she hung out at the space station a lot.
by Alex Johnson
A soft gagging could be heard. The room was dark and all that could be heard was the sort of gagging and gasping. It sickened you to think about it you can’t do anything as you watch her struggle, which is a shame, since you have known her your whole life. Soon enough though everything went silent and you feel a lot better. You go up to her dangling feet and bark she must be sleeping. Silly human. She should wake up soon and everything would be better.
The hanging girl
by Dave Stallion
A girl hangs out at the graveyard. Her hair is short and straight. Her face, non-existent. She’s a spoopy ghost. She died from asphyxiation.
The hanging out girl
by Kim Firmston
Janice loved to hang out with everyone. She hung out with people from school, helping them with their homework. She hung out with celebrities giving them publicity advice and always ending up in the shots holding a peace sign. She hung out with the Prime Minister and made him pancakes in the morning. And she hung out on the space station but had trouble leaving because she was told not to use the exit door. So she hung out at the space station a lot.
Girl at the bottom of the sea
by Alex Johnson
Darker and darker the surroundings got as she got lower and lower into the sea. This would be a lovely night if it weren’t for the uncomfortable rope on her ankles and the strained feeling in her lungs. Lower and lower she goes as the bubbles rise. This wasn’t so bad… the water actually had a nice taste and as her vision fades and she slowly drifts out of consciousness she smiles with her lungs filled with water she admires the pretty fish down here at the bottom of the sea.
The girl at the bottom of the sea
by Krysia Denys
She went missing.
She went missing on her birthday.
She went missing on her eighteenth birthday after a fight with her parents.
She was found.
She was found after a month.
She was found after a month at the bottom of the sea, perfectly preserved.
She had been murdered.
She had been murdered and no one knew who had done it.
She had been murdered and no one knew who had done it. But I will find out.
That it wasn’t her.
Girl at the bottom of the Sea
by Dave Stallion
Splash! A man laughed and watched as her lifeless body sinks to the bottom of the sea. Her body had very heavy weights tied to her. Soon enough she was at the bottom. No one would find her.
Girl at the Bottom of the Sea
by Kim Firmston
The girl stood on the bottom of the sea and looked around. She was dead but this fact didn’t mean she couldn’t explore. There was so much to see! A merman swam by with a super cool trident. He was heading towards her. She was so excited! She waved and said “Hi!” her words foaming bubbles. He didn’t respond and then swam right through her. Rude, and… lame. Being dead was kind of a downer. But she was still in the ocean. So over all not too bad she guessed.
by Alex Johnson
Darker and darker the surroundings got as she got lower and lower into the sea. This would be a lovely night if it weren’t for the uncomfortable rope on her ankles and the strained feeling in her lungs. Lower and lower she goes as the bubbles rise. This wasn’t so bad… the water actually had a nice taste and as her vision fades and she slowly drifts out of consciousness she smiles with her lungs filled with water she admires the pretty fish down here at the bottom of the sea.
The girl at the bottom of the sea
by Krysia Denys
She went missing.
She went missing on her birthday.
She went missing on her eighteenth birthday after a fight with her parents.
She was found.
She was found after a month.
She was found after a month at the bottom of the sea, perfectly preserved.
She had been murdered.
She had been murdered and no one knew who had done it.
She had been murdered and no one knew who had done it. But I will find out.
That it wasn’t her.
Girl at the bottom of the Sea
by Dave Stallion
Splash! A man laughed and watched as her lifeless body sinks to the bottom of the sea. Her body had very heavy weights tied to her. Soon enough she was at the bottom. No one would find her.
Girl at the Bottom of the Sea
by Kim Firmston
The girl stood on the bottom of the sea and looked around. She was dead but this fact didn’t mean she couldn’t explore. There was so much to see! A merman swam by with a super cool trident. He was heading towards her. She was so excited! She waved and said “Hi!” her words foaming bubbles. He didn’t respond and then swam right through her. Rude, and… lame. Being dead was kind of a downer. But she was still in the ocean. So over all not too bad she guessed.
Love at first shot
by Krysia Denys
The shot rings out across the sunny field. Bullets are out of place here. Bullets are out of place everywhere. They remind me of me. It’s almost hit its target. Almost. Now he’s startled. They teach people to run in a zigzag to avoid being shot. Honestly, it makes them look pretty funny for the trained sniper who won’t have any difficulties taking them down anyway. But wait! He’s cute! SNAP. Another shot rings out. As usual, love is no match for my gun.
Love at first shot
by Dave Stallion
Well shoot this babe is hot! Dave looked at the target and walked to him smiling and saying how handsome he was before shooting him point blank in the face. Oh well!
Love at First Shot
by Actie
Looking through the lens of her camera is what she was doing when they first saw each other. His smile flashed like a light whenever she pressed the shutter mutton
Love at first shot
by Kim Firmston
Tegan looked down the scope at the raven haired girl who flashed her green eyes right back. Like she knew she was being watched. One shot to the temple or right between the eyes. The girl blinked, flicked her lanky hand through her hair, pursed his lips. Gorgeous. Lovely. Tegan squeezed the trigger. Dead. She looked back through the scope. The girl winked. She knew. She knew it all.
by Krysia Denys
The shot rings out across the sunny field. Bullets are out of place here. Bullets are out of place everywhere. They remind me of me. It’s almost hit its target. Almost. Now he’s startled. They teach people to run in a zigzag to avoid being shot. Honestly, it makes them look pretty funny for the trained sniper who won’t have any difficulties taking them down anyway. But wait! He’s cute! SNAP. Another shot rings out. As usual, love is no match for my gun.
Love at first shot
by Dave Stallion
Well shoot this babe is hot! Dave looked at the target and walked to him smiling and saying how handsome he was before shooting him point blank in the face. Oh well!
Love at First Shot
by Actie
Looking through the lens of her camera is what she was doing when they first saw each other. His smile flashed like a light whenever she pressed the shutter mutton
Love at first shot
by Kim Firmston
Tegan looked down the scope at the raven haired girl who flashed her green eyes right back. Like she knew she was being watched. One shot to the temple or right between the eyes. The girl blinked, flicked her lanky hand through her hair, pursed his lips. Gorgeous. Lovely. Tegan squeezed the trigger. Dead. She looked back through the scope. The girl winked. She knew. She knew it all.
Letter for the King
by Alex Johnson
Dear King,
I have said this many times. No we do not wish to have coitis with you.
from,
The herem
The letter for the King
by Krysia Denys
Dear King,
We politely demand that you abdicate the throne by tomorrow and hand over all power to the people. After several top secret studies were conducted in your kingdom, we have come to the conclusion that the most efficient system for your disloyal subjects will be Marxist-Leninism. Thank you and have a great day!
Signed, the people.
P.S. WE WILL guillotine your entire family if you do not comply.
Letter for the King
by Kim Firmston
I always loved your music. The way you shook your hips while singing Blue Suede Shoes. Your movies were amazing – except that one where you were kissing your cousin. That was weird. I’ve never tried banana peanut butter bacon fried sandwiches, but they might be good. Anyway, do you want to meet up? Oh yeah. I guess not, you’re dead.
Dear King
by Dave Stallion
Dear King,
Stop being an ass. We need food, people are dead in the street, and I’m really sick of being coughed on. Stop being an ass. Thanks.
From,
One angry boi
P.S. This letter is covered in poison. Have fun.
by Alex Johnson
Dear King,
I have said this many times. No we do not wish to have coitis with you.
from,
The herem
The letter for the King
by Krysia Denys
Dear King,
We politely demand that you abdicate the throne by tomorrow and hand over all power to the people. After several top secret studies were conducted in your kingdom, we have come to the conclusion that the most efficient system for your disloyal subjects will be Marxist-Leninism. Thank you and have a great day!
Signed, the people.
P.S. WE WILL guillotine your entire family if you do not comply.
Letter for the King
by Kim Firmston
I always loved your music. The way you shook your hips while singing Blue Suede Shoes. Your movies were amazing – except that one where you were kissing your cousin. That was weird. I’ve never tried banana peanut butter bacon fried sandwiches, but they might be good. Anyway, do you want to meet up? Oh yeah. I guess not, you’re dead.
Dear King
by Dave Stallion
Dear King,
Stop being an ass. We need food, people are dead in the street, and I’m really sick of being coughed on. Stop being an ass. Thanks.
From,
One angry boi
P.S. This letter is covered in poison. Have fun.
Worlds & How Things Came to Be
Cotton Candy World by Fiona
Presided over by: Queen Cotton Candy Climate: cold and cloudy To get in you have to eat so much cotton candy you die; to get into ice cream heaven you would have to get through 100 layers of cotton candy without getting stuck. If you can’t they make you eat cotton candy until you barf. Queen Cotton candy made the first cotton candy machine when her hair got stuck in the machine and poofed up everywhere. It started to take pieces of cotton candy off her head. She was made and started cotton candy world. |
500 story office by Peter
Presided over by: faceless beaurocrat Climate: building inside Sections: floor 1, floor 2, etc. If you die rich you get a higher floor and get paid more. If you die in a communist state though you farm potatoes for the rest of eternity. If you are bad you get fired. Explains the creation of currency. Faceless dude was walking around with his buddies and thought, “I want to be better than my buddies,” so he made currency. He told his friends, “we should use this to buy stuff,” then he made himself 1.5 bajillion dollars and paid his friends to do his dirty work. Then he sued his friends. |
who was quite an adventure. Her powers were enough to destroy – and create things – in seconds.
Another baby Porcrine, was collecting water. He was walking back to his village when he saw a frosty cave entrance. As he entered the caves the warm water in his bucket melted the ice. Raeta, who was the ruler of the cave, was enraged. As he ran from Raeta into the cave, the cold froze him, and the sadness of his family made the first snow. That is how blizzards started.
Another baby Porcrine, was collecting water. He was walking back to his village when he saw a frosty cave entrance. As he entered the caves the warm water in his bucket melted the ice. Raeta, who was the ruler of the cave, was enraged. As he ran from Raeta into the cave, the cold froze him, and the sadness of his family made the first snow. That is how blizzards started.
Grim by Eli
Presided by: the Grim Reaper Climate: Cold Places are based on your fear, and explains why people have fears. Legend has it that if you are anybody and you go to grim a place you can be tortured based on your fear. If you have no fear you do not get tortured. The demons scare you and then eat you and then they die after a few days and then the cycle repeats. |
Under Nowhere by Jamie
Presided over by: The invisible nothingness which is not nothing. Climate: An infinite state of Canadian March and April (not hot or cold – no seasons) Sections/Challenges: The lost forest, the unsailable sea, the unclimbable mountain, the vaguely swimmable river, the town where no one lives, the infinite land of darkness, the land of unvisible light. There is a myth that once, a man sent to the under nowhere saw the invisible nothingness who cannot be seen or see anything. The man was asked to create in the under nowhere, so he created the vaguely swimmable river so the people could do something and have fun. They say he created an exit too, but nobody knows where it is. You learn what happiness and sadness are here. |
How farts came by Anna
Once Persefiny smelled his hariber perfume and wanted to get a better smell so she went to the god of smell (Sneely) and stole the perfume of smell. So Sneely cursed her perfume. At night it shot into the ground to the humans world. It went in everyone’s butt and it came out and it was stinky. So we called it farts!! Sneely was happy it was not in her castle. When she wept she would make ten people fart. She was very lonely so she sobbed pretty much all day. It’s tragedy. Sometimes it makes a sound that means she’s sobbing very loudly. |
Map of Smelliness |
RIO Pictures from Carrie (AKA 2017)
Ghost of Christmas Past
Begging not to be killed at Christmas! by RIO
Santa Renditions
Rewriting the Classics
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
By Clement Clarke Moore and The RIO Kids
'Twas the lunch before Christmas, when all through the mall
Not a mannequin was stirring, not even dust
The clothes were hung by the lights with human hair
In hopes that school soon would be weird.
The children were lying all snug on the floor,
While visions of trees danced in the TV;
And mamma in her clothes, and I in my also clothes,
Had just settled down for a long sleep, but I was so tired I was still in my clothes,
When out on the bridge there arose such a table,
I sprang from the chair to see pizza.
Away to Oz I flew like monkeys,
Tore open a bag and threw up hair.
The moon existed
Gave money to me,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But vodka and beer,
With a little magic, so bright and beautiful,
I knew in a moment it must be Santa Clause
More rapid than a rabbit his sleigh came,
And he fell right out, and the presents, and he called them by name;
"Now, Dude! now, Bro! now, Davie and Brah!
On, Tree! on and! on, and and more!
To the top of the tree! to the top of the tree!
Now dash away! Dude away! Guys away all!"
As the that before the thing had to fly,
When they meet they mount to the end,
So up to the globby nobby the crew they flew,
With the guys full of stinkiness, and grossness too.
And then, in a flash, I heard on the floor
The gunshot and scream of each little deer.
As I drew some art, and was bored as Bob
The person, St. Nicholas, came with a face.
He was dressed all in smiles, from his head to his foot,
And his smiles were all multiplying with glee and sadness;
A bundle of smiles he had flung into the pit of no use,
And he looked happy and just sad.
His eyes -- how they blinked! his mouth how much it chewed!
His cheeks were like snow, his nose like cheeks!
His very little eyebrow was drawn up like chickens,
And the dinner of his name was as delicious as the snow;
The stump of a tree he held tight in his trees,
And trees encircled his head like a bunch of trees;
He had a tree like face and a tree like round belly,
That shimmied like a tree, when he acted like a tree.
He was cool and suave, a right jolly old fellow,
And I freaked out when I saw him, in his pajamas;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his time travel device,
Soon everyone knew I had nothing to eat;
He spoke some Christmas songs, but went way out of tune,
And filled all the fireplaces; then tripped over his shoe,
And laying his finger on the dog’s cold nose,
And giving a scream, up the chimney he dove;
He sprang to his feet, to his team gave a Christmas card,
And away they all jumped like crazy.
But I heard him exclaim, Thank You!,
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL ELVES!
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
By Clement Clarke Moore and RIO Pod Crowfoot
'Twas the fortnight before Christmas, when all through the prison
Not a ladybug was stirring, not even the angry fat ones
The toilet paper was hung by the end of their rolls with precaution
In hopes that napkins soon would be there to clean up the mess
The children were sleeping all snug in their beds,
While visions of Santa Clause danced in heads;
And mamma in her bed, and I in my cupboard under the stairs,
Had just settled down for a long night,
When out on the earth there arose such a panic,
I sprang from the grasslands to see everyone on fire.
Away to coffee shop I flew like a chicken,
Tore open the coffee mix and threw up worms.
The moon blew up in a million pieces
Who gave him the explosives
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a flying brick and Rudolph,
With a little chipmunk love, so full of chickens and lollypops,
I knew in a moment it must be time to turn on the lights
More rapid than many thought, he came on his little useless legs,
And he laughed, and cried, and called them by name;
"Now, my child! now, Pepe! now, Dan the meme man and CHILD!
On, Boi! on Death! on, Depression and Conan!
To the top of the will to live! to the top of the cries of anguish!
Now dash away! Flash away! Hurricane Tortilla away all!"
As Rudolph that before the money fly,
When he meets Tarzan, mounts to the roof,
So up to the chicken coop the dogs they flew,
With the sun full of candy, and elves too.
And then, in a flash, I heard on the sound of jungle bells
The jingle bells and footsteps of each little reindeer.
As I drew near, and was blinded by the lights,
With a laugh the bells chimed and St. Nicholas came with a smile.
He was dressed all in shirts, from his head to his foot,
And his hairs were all gooped up with syrup and peanuts;
A bundle of socks he had flung on my neighbour’s head,
And he looked sticky just like a mouse rolled in honey.
His eyes -- how they blew! His eyes how they ticked!
His cheeks were like fire, his nose like water!
His fat little hands were drawn up like a bicycle,
And the rights of his sleeves were as white as the fire;
The stump of tobacco he held tight in his jaw,
And smoke encircled his head like magic;
He had a pale face and a creepy round belly,
That wiggled, when he moved like a scurrying mouse.
He was lost and tired, a right jolly old potato,
And I loved when I saw him, in his weird hat;
A fire of his eye and a twist of his neck,
Soon I didn’t know I had nothing to lose anymore;
He spoke in whispers, but went heartily across the room,
And filled all the stockings with love; then putting the presents under the tree,
And laying his finger on the mantle place,
And giving a big jump, up the chimney he went;
He sprang to his spring, to his team gave a wing of, presumably, a chicken,
And away they all leapt like leaping minds.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he screeched “KUMBAYA MY LORD”,
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL and two plus two is four minus one das is three!
By Clement Clarke Moore and The RIO Kids
'Twas the lunch before Christmas, when all through the mall
Not a mannequin was stirring, not even dust
The clothes were hung by the lights with human hair
In hopes that school soon would be weird.
The children were lying all snug on the floor,
While visions of trees danced in the TV;
And mamma in her clothes, and I in my also clothes,
Had just settled down for a long sleep, but I was so tired I was still in my clothes,
When out on the bridge there arose such a table,
I sprang from the chair to see pizza.
Away to Oz I flew like monkeys,
Tore open a bag and threw up hair.
The moon existed
Gave money to me,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But vodka and beer,
With a little magic, so bright and beautiful,
I knew in a moment it must be Santa Clause
More rapid than a rabbit his sleigh came,
And he fell right out, and the presents, and he called them by name;
"Now, Dude! now, Bro! now, Davie and Brah!
On, Tree! on and! on, and and more!
To the top of the tree! to the top of the tree!
Now dash away! Dude away! Guys away all!"
As the that before the thing had to fly,
When they meet they mount to the end,
So up to the globby nobby the crew they flew,
With the guys full of stinkiness, and grossness too.
And then, in a flash, I heard on the floor
The gunshot and scream of each little deer.
As I drew some art, and was bored as Bob
The person, St. Nicholas, came with a face.
He was dressed all in smiles, from his head to his foot,
And his smiles were all multiplying with glee and sadness;
A bundle of smiles he had flung into the pit of no use,
And he looked happy and just sad.
His eyes -- how they blinked! his mouth how much it chewed!
His cheeks were like snow, his nose like cheeks!
His very little eyebrow was drawn up like chickens,
And the dinner of his name was as delicious as the snow;
The stump of a tree he held tight in his trees,
And trees encircled his head like a bunch of trees;
He had a tree like face and a tree like round belly,
That shimmied like a tree, when he acted like a tree.
He was cool and suave, a right jolly old fellow,
And I freaked out when I saw him, in his pajamas;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his time travel device,
Soon everyone knew I had nothing to eat;
He spoke some Christmas songs, but went way out of tune,
And filled all the fireplaces; then tripped over his shoe,
And laying his finger on the dog’s cold nose,
And giving a scream, up the chimney he dove;
He sprang to his feet, to his team gave a Christmas card,
And away they all jumped like crazy.
But I heard him exclaim, Thank You!,
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL ELVES!
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas
By Clement Clarke Moore and RIO Pod Crowfoot
'Twas the fortnight before Christmas, when all through the prison
Not a ladybug was stirring, not even the angry fat ones
The toilet paper was hung by the end of their rolls with precaution
In hopes that napkins soon would be there to clean up the mess
The children were sleeping all snug in their beds,
While visions of Santa Clause danced in heads;
And mamma in her bed, and I in my cupboard under the stairs,
Had just settled down for a long night,
When out on the earth there arose such a panic,
I sprang from the grasslands to see everyone on fire.
Away to coffee shop I flew like a chicken,
Tore open the coffee mix and threw up worms.
The moon blew up in a million pieces
Who gave him the explosives
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a flying brick and Rudolph,
With a little chipmunk love, so full of chickens and lollypops,
I knew in a moment it must be time to turn on the lights
More rapid than many thought, he came on his little useless legs,
And he laughed, and cried, and called them by name;
"Now, my child! now, Pepe! now, Dan the meme man and CHILD!
On, Boi! on Death! on, Depression and Conan!
To the top of the will to live! to the top of the cries of anguish!
Now dash away! Flash away! Hurricane Tortilla away all!"
As Rudolph that before the money fly,
When he meets Tarzan, mounts to the roof,
So up to the chicken coop the dogs they flew,
With the sun full of candy, and elves too.
And then, in a flash, I heard on the sound of jungle bells
The jingle bells and footsteps of each little reindeer.
As I drew near, and was blinded by the lights,
With a laugh the bells chimed and St. Nicholas came with a smile.
He was dressed all in shirts, from his head to his foot,
And his hairs were all gooped up with syrup and peanuts;
A bundle of socks he had flung on my neighbour’s head,
And he looked sticky just like a mouse rolled in honey.
His eyes -- how they blew! His eyes how they ticked!
His cheeks were like fire, his nose like water!
His fat little hands were drawn up like a bicycle,
And the rights of his sleeves were as white as the fire;
The stump of tobacco he held tight in his jaw,
And smoke encircled his head like magic;
He had a pale face and a creepy round belly,
That wiggled, when he moved like a scurrying mouse.
He was lost and tired, a right jolly old potato,
And I loved when I saw him, in his weird hat;
A fire of his eye and a twist of his neck,
Soon I didn’t know I had nothing to lose anymore;
He spoke in whispers, but went heartily across the room,
And filled all the stockings with love; then putting the presents under the tree,
And laying his finger on the mantle place,
And giving a big jump, up the chimney he went;
He sprang to his spring, to his team gave a wing of, presumably, a chicken,
And away they all leapt like leaping minds.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he screeched “KUMBAYA MY LORD”,
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL and two plus two is four minus one das is three!