RIO's October E-Zine
Sort of Spooky / Mostly Weird
Edited by Andrew Finch and Kim Firmston
The Rogue Poets of RIO (plus one who turned invisible right before the photo)
Autocorrect Stories
Bragging Rights
Andrew Finch, Kingpin of the Gnomish Crime Syndicate
“It's not bragging if it's true.” Said the One Epic Knight, in a tone that contradicted his own statement, ‘especially when you face an army of goblins. And dragons. I’m thinking of writing a bestselling autobiography, I’ll call it… “I could walk but...naaah. A guid to dungeon delving on a deadline.”’
‘That is true,” said the queen, nodding slowly, ‘you do just sort of run through all the traps. And monsters. And treasure…’
‘There’s a reason why I’m known as the One Epic Knight,’ boomed the knight, ‘there’s only one of me. That reminds me of a time when I was running through a room full of these Goblin-Ork hybrids…’
The queen tuned out the warrior as she thought to herself: this man is an idiot, but he is an effective idiot. Perhaps I can use him.
‘...and that’s why they call me the Limberjack!’ Concluded the knight.
‘What, er...yes.’ Said the queen. ‘You are dismissed. Please open the door this time. We can’t keep repairing the holes.”
__________________________________________________________________
Lea Bing, Dark Master of The Faulty Search Engine
The bragging writers, and Dragons the best selling characters of the most important thing...um...I think there are many different ‘leabing’ you can also bet used.
__________________________________________________________________
Thomas Finch, Towel Boy for The Champion of Champions.
The bragging rights were the prize for whoever could best the dragon, I think? It wasn’t quite clear the judge was quite the character, 3 times convicted and cleared murderer. He was the best-selling author of the book, “How I Did It.” The hypothetical tale of how a character with no relation to the author would pull of a crime VERY similar to what said author had been convicted of. Phil charged inward at the beast, thrusting his sword with his ancient technique, Leabing. The monster fell, he was the victor! He shouted in victorious victory, only to Find a dagger embedded in his chest. ‘Thanks for the help,” the judge smirked as he dragged the carcass away for the magnificent bounty.
The moral of the story: you can be used.
__________________________________________________________________
Erin and Heather’s Quest for The MoonSquid
Willow Ferguson, Druidic Lumberjack
‘Heather, did you hear about the moon squid? IT’S MISSING!’ He screamed, Heather’s eyes widened, her jaw dropped.
‘I wonder why?’ Heather thought, calmly,
‘HOW ARE YOU CHILL ABOUT THIS MOONSQUID IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD AND YOU ARE CHILL ABOUT THIS?!’ He shrieked at the top of his lungs
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Eli Smart - the Newest Robin
As the bragging rights, and dragons, bestselling and character and the best selling character of the very important thing. I think, and some more different types of things - leabins, the same way. You can also be used.
Andrew Finch, Kingpin of the Gnomish Crime Syndicate
“It's not bragging if it's true.” Said the One Epic Knight, in a tone that contradicted his own statement, ‘especially when you face an army of goblins. And dragons. I’m thinking of writing a bestselling autobiography, I’ll call it… “I could walk but...naaah. A guid to dungeon delving on a deadline.”’
‘That is true,” said the queen, nodding slowly, ‘you do just sort of run through all the traps. And monsters. And treasure…’
‘There’s a reason why I’m known as the One Epic Knight,’ boomed the knight, ‘there’s only one of me. That reminds me of a time when I was running through a room full of these Goblin-Ork hybrids…’
The queen tuned out the warrior as she thought to herself: this man is an idiot, but he is an effective idiot. Perhaps I can use him.
‘...and that’s why they call me the Limberjack!’ Concluded the knight.
‘What, er...yes.’ Said the queen. ‘You are dismissed. Please open the door this time. We can’t keep repairing the holes.”
__________________________________________________________________
Lea Bing, Dark Master of The Faulty Search Engine
The bragging writers, and Dragons the best selling characters of the most important thing...um...I think there are many different ‘leabing’ you can also bet used.
__________________________________________________________________
Thomas Finch, Towel Boy for The Champion of Champions.
The bragging rights were the prize for whoever could best the dragon, I think? It wasn’t quite clear the judge was quite the character, 3 times convicted and cleared murderer. He was the best-selling author of the book, “How I Did It.” The hypothetical tale of how a character with no relation to the author would pull of a crime VERY similar to what said author had been convicted of. Phil charged inward at the beast, thrusting his sword with his ancient technique, Leabing. The monster fell, he was the victor! He shouted in victorious victory, only to Find a dagger embedded in his chest. ‘Thanks for the help,” the judge smirked as he dragged the carcass away for the magnificent bounty.
The moral of the story: you can be used.
__________________________________________________________________
Erin and Heather’s Quest for The MoonSquid
Willow Ferguson, Druidic Lumberjack
‘Heather, did you hear about the moon squid? IT’S MISSING!’ He screamed, Heather’s eyes widened, her jaw dropped.
‘I wonder why?’ Heather thought, calmly,
‘HOW ARE YOU CHILL ABOUT THIS MOONSQUID IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD AND YOU ARE CHILL ABOUT THIS?!’ He shrieked at the top of his lungs
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Eli Smart - the Newest Robin
As the bragging rights, and dragons, bestselling and character and the best selling character of the very important thing. I think, and some more different types of things - leabins, the same way. You can also be used.
VOID BUNNIES - by Lina Kat
There are bunnies in the void again,
Oh how my heart longs to save them from the cold black unending abyss that they are now trapped in,
Never to return to there normal boring lives of munching on grass and being chased by dogs and other various creatures.
Yes, it was a boring life, but a life none the less
Now these small adorable creatures are cursed to to endlessly roam this prison of darkness,
aimlessly floating about with nowhere to go.
To think these Bunnies had a normal life before it was taken from under their
soft adorable tiny paws that used to carry them across the grassy, open fields of freedom.
But now they float, their life's soon forgotten.
And who was it that chose these poor innocent beings to never again see the the warm, sunny days they used to?
There they go, absorbed into void, never to be seen again by any being what so ever.
There are bunnies in the void again,
Oh how my heart longs to save them from the cold black unending abyss that they are now trapped in,
Never to return to there normal boring lives of munching on grass and being chased by dogs and other various creatures.
Yes, it was a boring life, but a life none the less
Now these small adorable creatures are cursed to to endlessly roam this prison of darkness,
aimlessly floating about with nowhere to go.
To think these Bunnies had a normal life before it was taken from under their
soft adorable tiny paws that used to carry them across the grassy, open fields of freedom.
But now they float, their life's soon forgotten.
And who was it that chose these poor innocent beings to never again see the the warm, sunny days they used to?
There they go, absorbed into void, never to be seen again by any being what so ever.
RIO at Beakerhead
BEAKERHEAD - The RIO Booth's group Time Travel Story
At the RIO booth during the Ramsay Time Traveler's Parade, we hosted a "create a story" sheet where participants could tell a story one line at a time. Here is the result. Enjoy!
ONCE UPON A TIME - in an alternate dimension twenty-five seconds ahead of our won, everybody had to mingle with their immediate future selves. Many found their twenty-five second ahead selves too radical, whilst the future selves found the others too square. There were glares and even fisticuffs. Things were looking bad, and then . . .
An artistically linear hero emerged from the time stream intent on making things right. Before he could make things right he had to do battle with the evil villain, Time Stopper! For an uncertain period, time seemed to stop - because it had. But while time remained still, everyone found themselves right where they felt they belonged.
ONCE UPON A TIME - in an alternate dimension twenty-five seconds ahead of our won, everybody had to mingle with their immediate future selves. Many found their twenty-five second ahead selves too radical, whilst the future selves found the others too square. There were glares and even fisticuffs. Things were looking bad, and then . . .
An artistically linear hero emerged from the time stream intent on making things right. Before he could make things right he had to do battle with the evil villain, Time Stopper! For an uncertain period, time seemed to stop - because it had. But while time remained still, everyone found themselves right where they felt they belonged.
Fixing Broken Library Books - by RIO
The Naturally Bug-Free Garden
Trolling Pest Insects WITHOUT Chemicals
by Thomas ‘the screwdriver’ Finch
Step 1: Create a social media account, preferably one under a name so false and vile that your prey will know your intentions before you ever begin.
Step 2: Facebook Stalk your prey, observe the insect’s account for months to learn their quirks and weaknesses. Prepare your assault.
Step 3: Release the Internet bile upon them.
Step 4: Repeat step 3 until they delete their account in shame.
Step 5: Laugh.
__________________________________________________________________
by Twiddley McWinkershins of the Indecipherable Name
Step 1: Go on any top 10 anime protagonists video, preferably WatchMojo.
Step 2: Comment the following: “Barry Bee Benson wasn’t first. Unsubtle and unlinked”
Step 3: Wait patiently for results.
Step 4: Play Seinfeld theme as the weeboo bugs dislike your comment by the masses.
__________________________________________________________________
by Just Sophie
Step 1: Tell them they suck
Step 2: Keep telling them that they suck
Step 3: Take ‘pick’ of them
Step 4: Turn them into memes
Step 5: Wait
Step 6: They explode
__________________________________________________________________
by Lina Kat, of the Blue Legion of Blueness
Step 1: Take a photo of the small bug
Step 2: Show the bugs
Step 3: Watch them explode
__________________________________________________________________
by Jamie Yawney, high priest of The Cult of Awesome
Use your hands to create walls around the insect. When they try to crawl on your fingers, flip your hand so they have to crawl back, then repeat. Get close to the ground and shake them off. When they try to leave, create blockades using more hands until they realize they cannot leave and explode.
__________________________________________________________________
by Andrew Finch, Owner of Literally the Most Titles
Step 1: Build an underground facility to house a singular room lit only by countless computer screens displaying everything from security feed to news coverage.
Step 2: Get a big black chair with a high back. Make sure it can spin around in a slow and dramatic fashion, and that it is incredibly comfortable.
Step 3: Monitor the bugs with your extensive supply of monitors
Step 4: Lean forwards in said chair and stare malevolently at computer screens over steepled fingers, wringing hands, or a pampered cat. Make sure to speak as though your prey can hear you, and drop as much exposition as possible.
Step 5: Wait until a single one accidentally uncovers your plot before you begin to systematically torment all those in your path.
Step 6: Make them think they’ve found a way to beat you before crushing their pathetic hopes and spitting on their laughable dreams.
Step 7: Monologue a bit. Throw in a maniacal laugh or two to spice things up.
Step 8: Get beaten by the bug who discovered your schemes before you acted on them, and wonder how, with your extensive surveillance system, you could have missed such an obvious flaw.
Step 9: Escape bug-prison and repeat. Eventually, the audience will get tired of the same thing over and over, and leave, as will the bugs.
Step 10: Pretend this was your plan all along, and repeat step 7.
_________________________________________________________________
Kim Firmston, Warden of Madgate Überprison
Step 1: Throw a big pest party disco.
Step 2: The pest party is in a bug zapper.
_________________________________________________________________
Eli Smart - Mr. Smart to you
So the world of the bugs are in your garden playing worms. So what you do is you join them and you kill them. And with every kill you must roast them, and you will roast them so hard they will explode. Leaving blood all over your garden. Now that's some serious trolling.
_________________________________________________________________
Fara Charanek - from the colonies AKA RIO Pod Crowfoot
1. Step on them depending on on what size they are.
2. If they are super big, lock them up.
3. Run them over with a car.
4. Shoot them for good measure.
_________________________________________________________________
Noor Charanek - Fara's clone
1. Put pesticides on them
2. Set up a trap
3. Kill them
4. Move
Trolling Pest Insects WITHOUT Chemicals
by Thomas ‘the screwdriver’ Finch
Step 1: Create a social media account, preferably one under a name so false and vile that your prey will know your intentions before you ever begin.
Step 2: Facebook Stalk your prey, observe the insect’s account for months to learn their quirks and weaknesses. Prepare your assault.
Step 3: Release the Internet bile upon them.
Step 4: Repeat step 3 until they delete their account in shame.
Step 5: Laugh.
__________________________________________________________________
by Twiddley McWinkershins of the Indecipherable Name
Step 1: Go on any top 10 anime protagonists video, preferably WatchMojo.
Step 2: Comment the following: “Barry Bee Benson wasn’t first. Unsubtle and unlinked”
Step 3: Wait patiently for results.
Step 4: Play Seinfeld theme as the weeboo bugs dislike your comment by the masses.
__________________________________________________________________
by Just Sophie
Step 1: Tell them they suck
Step 2: Keep telling them that they suck
Step 3: Take ‘pick’ of them
Step 4: Turn them into memes
Step 5: Wait
Step 6: They explode
__________________________________________________________________
by Lina Kat, of the Blue Legion of Blueness
Step 1: Take a photo of the small bug
Step 2: Show the bugs
Step 3: Watch them explode
__________________________________________________________________
by Jamie Yawney, high priest of The Cult of Awesome
Use your hands to create walls around the insect. When they try to crawl on your fingers, flip your hand so they have to crawl back, then repeat. Get close to the ground and shake them off. When they try to leave, create blockades using more hands until they realize they cannot leave and explode.
__________________________________________________________________
by Andrew Finch, Owner of Literally the Most Titles
Step 1: Build an underground facility to house a singular room lit only by countless computer screens displaying everything from security feed to news coverage.
Step 2: Get a big black chair with a high back. Make sure it can spin around in a slow and dramatic fashion, and that it is incredibly comfortable.
Step 3: Monitor the bugs with your extensive supply of monitors
Step 4: Lean forwards in said chair and stare malevolently at computer screens over steepled fingers, wringing hands, or a pampered cat. Make sure to speak as though your prey can hear you, and drop as much exposition as possible.
Step 5: Wait until a single one accidentally uncovers your plot before you begin to systematically torment all those in your path.
Step 6: Make them think they’ve found a way to beat you before crushing their pathetic hopes and spitting on their laughable dreams.
Step 7: Monologue a bit. Throw in a maniacal laugh or two to spice things up.
Step 8: Get beaten by the bug who discovered your schemes before you acted on them, and wonder how, with your extensive surveillance system, you could have missed such an obvious flaw.
Step 9: Escape bug-prison and repeat. Eventually, the audience will get tired of the same thing over and over, and leave, as will the bugs.
Step 10: Pretend this was your plan all along, and repeat step 7.
_________________________________________________________________
Kim Firmston, Warden of Madgate Überprison
Step 1: Throw a big pest party disco.
Step 2: The pest party is in a bug zapper.
_________________________________________________________________
Eli Smart - Mr. Smart to you
So the world of the bugs are in your garden playing worms. So what you do is you join them and you kill them. And with every kill you must roast them, and you will roast them so hard they will explode. Leaving blood all over your garden. Now that's some serious trolling.
_________________________________________________________________
Fara Charanek - from the colonies AKA RIO Pod Crowfoot
1. Step on them depending on on what size they are.
2. If they are super big, lock them up.
3. Run them over with a car.
4. Shoot them for good measure.
_________________________________________________________________
Noor Charanek - Fara's clone
1. Put pesticides on them
2. Set up a trap
3. Kill them
4. Move
The Qi Book of Dead
Jamie Yawney, Grand Squeegee of the Intergalactic Bazaar
There is an extremely obscure person who the writers included for unknown reasons. This person lived an extremely normal life except that they were secretly a monster. His name was Estezeteseder, and he had a black bar over his eyes and everything he said was censored. Nobody knows why, or why he was called a monster. Why was this mysterious person included in this book? Supposedly, he died 100 years ago.
__________________________________________________________________
Andrew Finch, Mastermind of the Teapot Scandal
Fred McRick Von Fredrickson was the original hipster. He was born during the dark ages, and was, alas, a little ahead of his time. He invented the first pair of chunky glasses, and brewed the very first Nonfat Soy No-Whip Skinny Half-Caf Fair Trade Ventitré Mocha Latte. Eventually, he was branded a witch, and would have been burned at the stake, had he not considered that ‘too mainstream’, and opted to be thrown in a lake with a weight tied to his feet instead.
__________________________________________________________________
Lina Kat, Masher of the Seven Imp Jugglers
Aria woke up one morning to an odd feeling…
This was something she had never felt before.
Then she realized she wasn’t in the Qi Book of the Dead. This was horribly tragic, so tragic that she exploded on the spot.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Jamie Yawney, Grand Squeegee of the Intergalactic Bazaar
There is an extremely obscure person who the writers included for unknown reasons. This person lived an extremely normal life except that they were secretly a monster. His name was Estezeteseder, and he had a black bar over his eyes and everything he said was censored. Nobody knows why, or why he was called a monster. Why was this mysterious person included in this book? Supposedly, he died 100 years ago.
__________________________________________________________________
Andrew Finch, Mastermind of the Teapot Scandal
Fred McRick Von Fredrickson was the original hipster. He was born during the dark ages, and was, alas, a little ahead of his time. He invented the first pair of chunky glasses, and brewed the very first Nonfat Soy No-Whip Skinny Half-Caf Fair Trade Ventitré Mocha Latte. Eventually, he was branded a witch, and would have been burned at the stake, had he not considered that ‘too mainstream’, and opted to be thrown in a lake with a weight tied to his feet instead.
__________________________________________________________________
Lina Kat, Masher of the Seven Imp Jugglers
Aria woke up one morning to an odd feeling…
This was something she had never felt before.
Then she realized she wasn’t in the Qi Book of the Dead. This was horribly tragic, so tragic that she exploded on the spot.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
How We'll Live On Mars (in nine easy steps) - by RIO
1. Eliminate all harmful alien species and robots along with their advanced technology.
2. Eat dirt.
3. Wait, what if we just did research on how to save earth instead of this crap?
4. Call H.G. Wells for help.
5. Potatoes will keep you alive with their sustenance and durability. Mind that they don't mutate in Martian soil and take over your hovel.
6. Build a machine to create H2O (like in The Martian) and grow food.
7. Then screw up and get everything blown up.
8. Move to Venus. It's supposed to be nice this time of year.
1. Eliminate all harmful alien species and robots along with their advanced technology.
2. Eat dirt.
3. Wait, what if we just did research on how to save earth instead of this crap?
4. Call H.G. Wells for help.
5. Potatoes will keep you alive with their sustenance and durability. Mind that they don't mutate in Martian soil and take over your hovel.
6. Build a machine to create H2O (like in The Martian) and grow food.
7. Then screw up and get everything blown up.
8. Move to Venus. It's supposed to be nice this time of year.
Dungeons & Dragons Memories
A Trip to Lethbridge Japanese Gardens By: Alexis Kelly
I went to the Japanese gardens in Lethbridge because gardens and nature are my jam. Actually, I just got Pocky while I was there, not jam. The weather was nice, and the sun was shining. The leaves were falling as we walked along the path. I saw many things, such as a bush that looked like clouds and a sand garden. Along the path there was also a friendship bell signifying the friendship between Japan and Canada. A few people rang the bell while we were there and it sounded through the whole garden, the vibrations carrying with it. Near the beginning there was a maple tree which was surprising; I did not know they had such trees here. My favourite part was hearing the streams as I walked, like music as the noise increased and decreased. On my way back to the vehicle after being at the gardens I shared Pocky with my mom, it was her first time trying it and we both enjoyed the chocolate covered biscuit. It is recommended to anyone for a small and peaceful walk.
SHORT POETRY
Rabbit, I am Blessed by Em Dubs, Defender of the Twenty Two Frozen Frontiers
To catch sight of you,
Hopping,
Having met you, I feel
Like life, in a cosmic sense,
May not be
As empty as I once thought
Bat Shipped by Kim Firmston, Actual Cyborg
Sparks, Batgirl, Red Robin
Cotton candy, burrito shared,
Like Lady and the tramp,
Poodle skirt, the Beatles on
Speakers, breeze, a loose
Strand of hair,
Numbered ducks bobbing,
Coins, levers, fireworks.
Strawberry Gum by Sophie Smart - The Newest Paul Zits
Strawberry gum is very Sour, like a warhead, which can hurt the back of your tongue and make your mouth bleed.
To catch sight of you,
Hopping,
Having met you, I feel
Like life, in a cosmic sense,
May not be
As empty as I once thought
Bat Shipped by Kim Firmston, Actual Cyborg
Sparks, Batgirl, Red Robin
Cotton candy, burrito shared,
Like Lady and the tramp,
Poodle skirt, the Beatles on
Speakers, breeze, a loose
Strand of hair,
Numbered ducks bobbing,
Coins, levers, fireworks.
Strawberry Gum by Sophie Smart - The Newest Paul Zits
Strawberry gum is very Sour, like a warhead, which can hurt the back of your tongue and make your mouth bleed.