Reality Is Optional's
April E-Zine
The Universe Is Waiting
for Domination
The Doughnut Wars by the Novelmancers
Episode One
Brad: You took my doughnut!
Patty: What! No I didn't!
Brad: It had pink sprinkles! I know you like pink sprinkles! OMG!
Patty: But it also had blue sprinkles. I HATE blue sprinkles.
Brad: LIAR! You love blue sprinkles too!
Patty: Excuse me, I hate the colour blue. So . . . yeah . . .
Brad: I'd like to hear you say that in court!
Patty: You'd take this to court? It's just a freaking doughnut.
Brad: Haha but it was poisoned!
Patty: Oh no! I'm gonna die!
Brad: So you DID eat the doughnut!
Patty: Ooof.
Brad stabs Patty. Patty is mad and they kill each other.
THE END!
Brad: You took my doughnut!
Patty: What! No I didn't!
Brad: It had pink sprinkles! I know you like pink sprinkles! OMG!
Patty: But it also had blue sprinkles. I HATE blue sprinkles.
Brad: LIAR! You love blue sprinkles too!
Patty: Excuse me, I hate the colour blue. So . . . yeah . . .
Brad: I'd like to hear you say that in court!
Patty: You'd take this to court? It's just a freaking doughnut.
Brad: Haha but it was poisoned!
Patty: Oh no! I'm gonna die!
Brad: So you DID eat the doughnut!
Patty: Ooof.
Brad stabs Patty. Patty is mad and they kill each other.
THE END!
Episode Two
Jeremy : There isn't enough doughnuts for me, I see.
Samantha: There's tons of doughnuts for all of us.
Jeremy: Yeah but you gave them all to Other Jeremy
Samantha: You don't even like pink sprinkles.
Other Jeremy: Damn, these doughnuts are great.
Jeremy: You culd have picked up my favourite
Samantha: You didn't ask.
Jeremy: Well, you should have known. Especially if you were planning on seeing me.
Samantha: Well I wasn't
Jeremy: That's my issue with you samantha
Other Jeremy: We could have shared the doughnuts, but I ate them all.
Samantha: Other Jeremy! Thase were for everyone.
Samantha and Other Jeremy fist fight.
Jeremy : There isn't enough doughnuts for me, I see.
Samantha: There's tons of doughnuts for all of us.
Jeremy: Yeah but you gave them all to Other Jeremy
Samantha: You don't even like pink sprinkles.
Other Jeremy: Damn, these doughnuts are great.
Jeremy: You culd have picked up my favourite
Samantha: You didn't ask.
Jeremy: Well, you should have known. Especially if you were planning on seeing me.
Samantha: Well I wasn't
Jeremy: That's my issue with you samantha
Other Jeremy: We could have shared the doughnuts, but I ate them all.
Samantha: Other Jeremy! Thase were for everyone.
Samantha and Other Jeremy fist fight.
Episode Three
Sam rustled in the fridge, pushing pickles and mayo aside. She pulled out a plate of crumbs. "SAMANTHA!"
Samantha sighs as if merely answering this call was the most difficult thing in the world. "Whaaat?"
"You did it again!"
"Well, I can't really know what I did again if you don't tell me what I did in the first place."
"This!" Sam shaved the plate in Samantha's face spraying crumbs on her fluffy pink sweater.
"What - " Samantha started to complain, but her face paled as she realized what had formerly been on the plate. "That doughnut in the fridge? Well, I didn't see your name on it."
"Seriously?" Sam threw up her hands - plate and all - sprinkling more crumbs through the air. "You're being serious right now?" Sam flung the plate into the sink. "Every time," she muttered.
"Dude, with your sprinkles." Samantha frowned., beginning to get irritated. "Hey, wait. Did you really care THAT much about that doughnut?"
"Do you really not care that much about it? About . . ." Sam turned away and looked, crossed arms, out the window. "Nevermind."
Samantha raised an eyebrow. "Oh I get it," she hissed, "this is about that stupid party. Why are YOU always like this? You're all passive agressive! You never say what you really mean!"
"How about this for saying what I mean - it's over! Samantha and Samantha is no more!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
Sam rustled in the fridge, pushing pickles and mayo aside. She pulled out a plate of crumbs. "SAMANTHA!"
Samantha sighs as if merely answering this call was the most difficult thing in the world. "Whaaat?"
"You did it again!"
"Well, I can't really know what I did again if you don't tell me what I did in the first place."
"This!" Sam shaved the plate in Samantha's face spraying crumbs on her fluffy pink sweater.
"What - " Samantha started to complain, but her face paled as she realized what had formerly been on the plate. "That doughnut in the fridge? Well, I didn't see your name on it."
"Seriously?" Sam threw up her hands - plate and all - sprinkling more crumbs through the air. "You're being serious right now?" Sam flung the plate into the sink. "Every time," she muttered.
"Dude, with your sprinkles." Samantha frowned., beginning to get irritated. "Hey, wait. Did you really care THAT much about that doughnut?"
"Do you really not care that much about it? About . . ." Sam turned away and looked, crossed arms, out the window. "Nevermind."
Samantha raised an eyebrow. "Oh I get it," she hissed, "this is about that stupid party. Why are YOU always like this? You're all passive agressive! You never say what you really mean!"
"How about this for saying what I mean - it's over! Samantha and Samantha is no more!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
What People Should Really Understand
by RIO Pod Central
What people should really understand about me is I'm half alien, half pickle, and 48% pure formidable goldfish pretending to know what exactly seems to be the cause of my never ending melancholy. However mostly I feel like an alien speaking pickle to a goldfish who is using a terrible translator. Why does no one understand me? Why don't I understand anyone? Why do people attempt to read into my choice of colour like it means somehting. That's private, I say, but I guess the colour is public so they will think what they will. People really need to understand that it doesn't matter what others think. What matters is how they present themselves. I have to say they are doing a dreadful job all dressed in purple. Doesn't that remind you all of very random youthful priests kind of waisting all of their talent on unconvincing very linear elderly nuns not to escape a place where people don't really understand them.
What people should really understand is that in any high school area there are always vapes, which tend to cause very bad grades. As who can concentrate when their entire world has been ruptured? Other side effects include barging, gauntlets flashing, looking for the island of Themyscira on a map. I think we need some mildly boring assemblies on the dangers of running into traffic unattended this year, because of how effective they tend to be. Oh wait. Maybe not quite. After all, the statistics don't take into account high school studies. I forgot that. Never mind, time to petition the statistics bureau to fix that. I digress though, because I want tpeople to understand that most kids just don't have the decency to come clean about hteir experiences which really has nothing to do with decency but respect. Self respect and the shattering of the repairing we all do our whole lives through.
People should really understand how cinnamon works, lowering sugar from our blood, dismounting spikes peaking through vessels threatening death. It can really save a lot of lives from the corporate greed sugar, spike monster death thing. Of course that's all well and good except in the case of very serious and common cinnamon allergies.
Not allegros! Allergies! Listen please.
Cinnamon may know how to sing but those peppers they can make a choir! If only I understood peppers the way I understand multi-coloured dragonfruit. I could make a symphony instead of drawing trashy self portraits with HB pencils. After all, you combine cinnamon, peppers, and dragonfruit and you get a fantastic salad - a salad that sings! And singing salads are known to be the universal cure for most ailments. Well, most ailments except the one that plagues me most - no one really understands me at all.
What people should really understand is that in any high school area there are always vapes, which tend to cause very bad grades. As who can concentrate when their entire world has been ruptured? Other side effects include barging, gauntlets flashing, looking for the island of Themyscira on a map. I think we need some mildly boring assemblies on the dangers of running into traffic unattended this year, because of how effective they tend to be. Oh wait. Maybe not quite. After all, the statistics don't take into account high school studies. I forgot that. Never mind, time to petition the statistics bureau to fix that. I digress though, because I want tpeople to understand that most kids just don't have the decency to come clean about hteir experiences which really has nothing to do with decency but respect. Self respect and the shattering of the repairing we all do our whole lives through.
People should really understand how cinnamon works, lowering sugar from our blood, dismounting spikes peaking through vessels threatening death. It can really save a lot of lives from the corporate greed sugar, spike monster death thing. Of course that's all well and good except in the case of very serious and common cinnamon allergies.
Not allegros! Allergies! Listen please.
Cinnamon may know how to sing but those peppers they can make a choir! If only I understood peppers the way I understand multi-coloured dragonfruit. I could make a symphony instead of drawing trashy self portraits with HB pencils. After all, you combine cinnamon, peppers, and dragonfruit and you get a fantastic salad - a salad that sings! And singing salads are known to be the universal cure for most ailments. Well, most ailments except the one that plagues me most - no one really understands me at all.
The Kind of People
by CPL RIO Pod Crowfoot
He was the kind of person who would blow up the world with a BOOM
So bye bye world, see you whenever
Yeah, right
Jack and Jill went up the eroded cliff and set up the popcorn machine
Oh yes, he was just eating it when he shot a deer
He put the deer in the truck and hit the non-existent world
Because he blew it up
So the deer was actually the Al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden
He started to starve
Then he ate chicken wings
And then he grew wings and flew into an airplane
She will not do the thing she is supposed to do when she is lying down with annoying siblings
On a very uncomfortable mood
She reached for her pistol
She placed the pistol down one more time as she thought to kill herself
When she picked the pistol up and shot it
At the picture of her
Which was sitting on top of Bob, her dad
Contemplating what she did, she went sideways
Then she read a dictionary for eternity
And blew up the book after
She went on to blow up the world
With a friend
He is the kind of person who would sit still in front of the TV for hours on end
Eating lots of popcorn
However just as he was enjoying his day, the TV began to get smaller
Therefore he thought he was getting smaller too
He got so small that he tepped into the TV
It was weird with all the pixels that he transformed back into a dog
This caused him to fall into a deep sleep for infinity years
Then he wanted some hot chocolate for his entire sleepover
Do you know de wae?
I found de wae!
De wae.
She was the kind of person who would chop down a tree.
During one afternoon she chopped down another three tree
However, just as she was doing it she chopped a deer
And the sorrow which came from it left her wondering why
A tree saw this and transformed into a deer
Ignoring it, she was completely confused
She threw up a hand grenade at the star destroyer in the sky above her
Which blew up along with everyone on board
As well as the tree deer
Do you know de wae
I found de wae
That was her day
Yay!
He was the kind of person that would be sitting for hours simply thinking of the topic "nothing"
During one afternoon he saw a puppy and understood why people disliked nothing.
The puppy was so cute because it was a pug
The pug stopped and died
Because he was so extremely hateful of the First Order but he loved the stupid Republic
Firefly wanted Stormtroopers standing around dancing.
What to do?
Oh, wait. It is time to work
And he finally quit thinking of random thinks
Going back to nothing
She was the kind of person who would eat ninety pizza boxes.
She ate so much pizza that she exploded
Spraying guts all around the parlor
Who poisoned the pizza?
Everybody yelled down below and got out of the way
Never got the pizza man
Me man
Pizza, pizza, pizza
It was gluten free
Since she was allergic
However, gluten free has nothing to do with allergicness
In the end the killer was sued
He was the kind of person who would get lost in thought
Dreaming about pugs frolicking in fields
His love of pugs was extremely bad
He both loved and hated pugs
So he killed every single one
Ow!
Jees - wizard, have some Cheese Wiz
Except Cheese Wiz was really unhealthy
But the wizard still decided to have some
Just as the wizard put the first piece in his mouth he stopped dreaming and relized
It was all a dream and the wizard was not real
But all the pugs were still dead for some reason
$he was the kind of person who would kill porgs. She ate their chicken wings.
She could help us because we are crazy
Who? How?
What!
She didn't know what she was doing/
She ran out of chicken wings so they dicided to kill all customers who planned to by them
She went for her knife and stabbed
She stabed the customers so they were dead
She sold her soul to Satan
Thus haven ensured her eternal damnation when she died
They were the kind of people who would eat explosives and dynamite
They would ten go BOOM and what else?
They would have a nuclear holocaust will make the end come
But they didn't have the funding
Oh no!
They went to sleep and began to think about getting money
Then they thought to themselves, why can't we blow lots up.
They tried to bolow up a building but failed
Instead the nuked the white house and killed everyone in DC.
Then they nuked the world
They were happy.
The world said GAME OVER
and reset.
So bye bye world, see you whenever
Yeah, right
Jack and Jill went up the eroded cliff and set up the popcorn machine
Oh yes, he was just eating it when he shot a deer
He put the deer in the truck and hit the non-existent world
Because he blew it up
So the deer was actually the Al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden
He started to starve
Then he ate chicken wings
And then he grew wings and flew into an airplane
She will not do the thing she is supposed to do when she is lying down with annoying siblings
On a very uncomfortable mood
She reached for her pistol
She placed the pistol down one more time as she thought to kill herself
When she picked the pistol up and shot it
At the picture of her
Which was sitting on top of Bob, her dad
Contemplating what she did, she went sideways
Then she read a dictionary for eternity
And blew up the book after
She went on to blow up the world
With a friend
He is the kind of person who would sit still in front of the TV for hours on end
Eating lots of popcorn
However just as he was enjoying his day, the TV began to get smaller
Therefore he thought he was getting smaller too
He got so small that he tepped into the TV
It was weird with all the pixels that he transformed back into a dog
This caused him to fall into a deep sleep for infinity years
Then he wanted some hot chocolate for his entire sleepover
Do you know de wae?
I found de wae!
De wae.
She was the kind of person who would chop down a tree.
During one afternoon she chopped down another three tree
However, just as she was doing it she chopped a deer
And the sorrow which came from it left her wondering why
A tree saw this and transformed into a deer
Ignoring it, she was completely confused
She threw up a hand grenade at the star destroyer in the sky above her
Which blew up along with everyone on board
As well as the tree deer
Do you know de wae
I found de wae
That was her day
Yay!
He was the kind of person that would be sitting for hours simply thinking of the topic "nothing"
During one afternoon he saw a puppy and understood why people disliked nothing.
The puppy was so cute because it was a pug
The pug stopped and died
Because he was so extremely hateful of the First Order but he loved the stupid Republic
Firefly wanted Stormtroopers standing around dancing.
What to do?
Oh, wait. It is time to work
And he finally quit thinking of random thinks
Going back to nothing
She was the kind of person who would eat ninety pizza boxes.
She ate so much pizza that she exploded
Spraying guts all around the parlor
Who poisoned the pizza?
Everybody yelled down below and got out of the way
Never got the pizza man
Me man
Pizza, pizza, pizza
It was gluten free
Since she was allergic
However, gluten free has nothing to do with allergicness
In the end the killer was sued
He was the kind of person who would get lost in thought
Dreaming about pugs frolicking in fields
His love of pugs was extremely bad
He both loved and hated pugs
So he killed every single one
Ow!
Jees - wizard, have some Cheese Wiz
Except Cheese Wiz was really unhealthy
But the wizard still decided to have some
Just as the wizard put the first piece in his mouth he stopped dreaming and relized
It was all a dream and the wizard was not real
But all the pugs were still dead for some reason
$he was the kind of person who would kill porgs. She ate their chicken wings.
She could help us because we are crazy
Who? How?
What!
She didn't know what she was doing/
She ran out of chicken wings so they dicided to kill all customers who planned to by them
She went for her knife and stabbed
She stabed the customers so they were dead
She sold her soul to Satan
Thus haven ensured her eternal damnation when she died
They were the kind of people who would eat explosives and dynamite
They would ten go BOOM and what else?
They would have a nuclear holocaust will make the end come
But they didn't have the funding
Oh no!
They went to sleep and began to think about getting money
Then they thought to themselves, why can't we blow lots up.
They tried to bolow up a building but failed
Instead the nuked the white house and killed everyone in DC.
Then they nuked the world
They were happy.
The world said GAME OVER
and reset.
The Universal Reality Is Optional Elections
by RIO Prime
THE DRAMATIC CANADIAN FICTION PARTY (DCF PARTY)
Welcome to the C*NA*A . . . oh wait.
If you don't vote for us, I'll cry . . . eh?
Policies
Welcome to the C*NA*A . . . oh wait.
If you don't vote for us, I'll cry . . . eh?
Policies
- Innocent until declared innocent
- puns and memes are banned as the 8th original deadly sin.
- Ban guns in A*ER*A
- No racism
- everybody gets free water
- Ban dragons
- Education is free for everyone.
- You will get a spy . . . um . . . we mean . . . um . . . bodyguard bot.
- Sarcasm is at 1/4 price
- We promise free tourism to A*ER*A
- Homeless people get free boxes
- No hexagons, and many ovals
- Free visits to the Cat Planet
- We promise an absence of snow and lots of rain
- Pet CAN*DI*N geese and rabbits
- All theatre majors get a wooden plank
THE UNIVERSAL DRAGON PARTY (UDP)
Hey! Do you need a good leader? Well then vote for us! (Music beat-o-matic). If you vote for us we will count your vote! Vote for us and we won't eat you! Isn't that great?
Policies
Hey! Do you need a good leader? Well then vote for us! (Music beat-o-matic). If you vote for us we will count your vote! Vote for us and we won't eat you! Isn't that great?
Policies
- Burn da bad stuff annually
- Ban losing elections
- Super-natural comedy
- We will count your vote (if you vote for us)!
- You can sniff our gold if you vote for us!
- We will let you eat food off the road
- We will give you everlasting candy
- We will destroy the Cat Planet
- We will give specials to unicorns and wolverines.
- We won't staple people to the walls
- Free comedy shows once a week
- We will not be spooky
- We promise a vote for us is a vote for us!
The Day The Aliens Attacked
by RIO POD Central
CHARACTER ANALYSIS - MC
MC- Tired, bored, apathetic high school student.
Goal - Finding a decent part-time job while juggling lessons, extra-curriculars, and care of younger siblings while parents work out of the country.
Motive - Wants to gather enough money to move out next year, away from incredibly controlling/absentee parents (they switch between these stages very often).
Conflict - With parents, who are gone half the time for an unknown reason (which becomes known later in the story), with teachers - who believer MC is lazy and should do more work in order to get into U of U (University of the Universe) , all the while trying to get a job without being fired, but her parents do everything to make MC stay at home and take care of the kids forever.
Likes - Lying around doing nothing, basketball (but sucks at it), coffee
Dislikes - Pretty much anything else, particularly the antagonist Carlos.
Religion - Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Family - Two parental units that are either completely absent or over controlling, three younger siblings aged 2, 4, and 9, and a pet goldfish that simulates its death.
MC- Tired, bored, apathetic high school student.
Goal - Finding a decent part-time job while juggling lessons, extra-curriculars, and care of younger siblings while parents work out of the country.
Motive - Wants to gather enough money to move out next year, away from incredibly controlling/absentee parents (they switch between these stages very often).
Conflict - With parents, who are gone half the time for an unknown reason (which becomes known later in the story), with teachers - who believer MC is lazy and should do more work in order to get into U of U (University of the Universe) , all the while trying to get a job without being fired, but her parents do everything to make MC stay at home and take care of the kids forever.
Likes - Lying around doing nothing, basketball (but sucks at it), coffee
Dislikes - Pretty much anything else, particularly the antagonist Carlos.
Religion - Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Family - Two parental units that are either completely absent or over controlling, three younger siblings aged 2, 4, and 9, and a pet goldfish that simulates its death.
CHARACTER ANALYSIS - CARLOS
A 17 year old drop out who is trying to warn the world about aliens. He thinks all people should stop what they're doing and focus on this very real problem. Unfortunately - everyone thinks he's crazy. To force people to pay attention, he is now trying to take down major institutions which he thinks are a distraction. His latest targets are the local High School and the Library. He figures with a newly made Teen Army, he's likely to turn popular opinion around.
A 17 year old drop out who is trying to warn the world about aliens. He thinks all people should stop what they're doing and focus on this very real problem. Unfortunately - everyone thinks he's crazy. To force people to pay attention, he is now trying to take down major institutions which he thinks are a distraction. His latest targets are the local High School and the Library. He figures with a newly made Teen Army, he's likely to turn popular opinion around.
CHAPTER ONE
It's the day of worship for our Lord, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and it is critical that I and Marjorie get the kids ready to leave before one of them gets a nosebleed, vomits, falls asleep or hides in the closet.
We are failing miserably.
No one understands what is at stake, let alone believes that the imminent alien visitors are anything but fake. I know they are real. Or at least that's what my parents tell me. My parents insist, however, on calling them my friends even though their goal is literally the liberation of the universe and not hang out at high school with me between classes. Not that it matters because none of my real friends believes me anyway and besides all that, if I don't get these kids safely in the bunker behind my home before four pm we will all be smeared. No flying to speak of. Or spaghetti.
I guess no one's going to be flying then. Maybe thinking of another way to save the kids. Maybe we can get the puppies from next door to distract the Flying Spaghetti Monster and its alien cohort. It's then that I remember, Marjorie is allergic to puppies, though. She is my friend and hangs out with me between classes. We remember this just as she begins to get a rash. She is surprising calm.
I finally get the kids squared away in the bunker with the Disney Channel blaring and lollypops stuck into each whining mouth then take Marjorie to the pharmacy near our school.
She takes the banana flavoured medicine and starts to feel better. It will take 24 hours for the swelling to go down - as per the indications beside the cute picture of the bee on a flower. We slowly begin to meander back to the bunker.
Slowly.
I think I've had about all I can take from this day already - then I see Carlos.
It's the day of worship for our Lord, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and it is critical that I and Marjorie get the kids ready to leave before one of them gets a nosebleed, vomits, falls asleep or hides in the closet.
We are failing miserably.
No one understands what is at stake, let alone believes that the imminent alien visitors are anything but fake. I know they are real. Or at least that's what my parents tell me. My parents insist, however, on calling them my friends even though their goal is literally the liberation of the universe and not hang out at high school with me between classes. Not that it matters because none of my real friends believes me anyway and besides all that, if I don't get these kids safely in the bunker behind my home before four pm we will all be smeared. No flying to speak of. Or spaghetti.
I guess no one's going to be flying then. Maybe thinking of another way to save the kids. Maybe we can get the puppies from next door to distract the Flying Spaghetti Monster and its alien cohort. It's then that I remember, Marjorie is allergic to puppies, though. She is my friend and hangs out with me between classes. We remember this just as she begins to get a rash. She is surprising calm.
I finally get the kids squared away in the bunker with the Disney Channel blaring and lollypops stuck into each whining mouth then take Marjorie to the pharmacy near our school.
She takes the banana flavoured medicine and starts to feel better. It will take 24 hours for the swelling to go down - as per the indications beside the cute picture of the bee on a flower. We slowly begin to meander back to the bunker.
Slowly.
I think I've had about all I can take from this day already - then I see Carlos.
CHAPTER TWO
He's hanging around outside the school again. This time Carlos has chained himself to the front doors of the school. No one can go in or out and he's ranting about aliens and yelling that we should form a teen army to take them on.
I get a text. It's the library offering me an interview for the job I applied for. I think I can make it if I go now. At least Carlos is here at school rather than wrecking any chance of me getting a job at the library.
Oh here come the police.
I dislike the police only moderately, so I'll just stick around for a few minutes - I have time, probably. Maybe they'll ask me some questions and then I can "maybe" go and actually do this interview. I stand around a bit, blending into the wall, and the police pass by me without interest. Typical. I should go now, though I really have no opinion on libraries.
Then the police lady comes over, but she doesn't interview me about Carlos. Instead she offeres to escort me to the library, saying something to do with research. As if I know how to do that! However when she shoves me down the block, into the library, and towards a book on the proper defense against the worship of The Flying Spaghetti Monster I begin to give her some credit. Who knew a cop would be the one person in my world to save my mind! I open the book. The first sentence I read is "Attacks of Flying Spaghetti Monsters are easily mitigated with cinnamon. I call Marjorie, who has been trailing behind a little bewildered by the cop taking such an interest in me. Marjorie is going to be needed, pronto!
Marjorie rushes over. I show her the page.
"I told you this religion is more dangerous than you knew! You are insane believing in this stuff!" she yells, only to be shushed by the librarian who eyes us both with a pinched face.
Well there goes my job prospects. I may as well give up.
Then Carlos appears, sweaty and out of breath. I look for the cop, but she's gone off somewhere. He grabs my hand and leans into my face. "I have a way to stop all - follow me!"
He's hanging around outside the school again. This time Carlos has chained himself to the front doors of the school. No one can go in or out and he's ranting about aliens and yelling that we should form a teen army to take them on.
I get a text. It's the library offering me an interview for the job I applied for. I think I can make it if I go now. At least Carlos is here at school rather than wrecking any chance of me getting a job at the library.
Oh here come the police.
I dislike the police only moderately, so I'll just stick around for a few minutes - I have time, probably. Maybe they'll ask me some questions and then I can "maybe" go and actually do this interview. I stand around a bit, blending into the wall, and the police pass by me without interest. Typical. I should go now, though I really have no opinion on libraries.
Then the police lady comes over, but she doesn't interview me about Carlos. Instead she offeres to escort me to the library, saying something to do with research. As if I know how to do that! However when she shoves me down the block, into the library, and towards a book on the proper defense against the worship of The Flying Spaghetti Monster I begin to give her some credit. Who knew a cop would be the one person in my world to save my mind! I open the book. The first sentence I read is "Attacks of Flying Spaghetti Monsters are easily mitigated with cinnamon. I call Marjorie, who has been trailing behind a little bewildered by the cop taking such an interest in me. Marjorie is going to be needed, pronto!
Marjorie rushes over. I show her the page.
"I told you this religion is more dangerous than you knew! You are insane believing in this stuff!" she yells, only to be shushed by the librarian who eyes us both with a pinched face.
Well there goes my job prospects. I may as well give up.
Then Carlos appears, sweaty and out of breath. I look for the cop, but she's gone off somewhere. He grabs my hand and leans into my face. "I have a way to stop all - follow me!"
CHAPTER THREE
I recently found a few unusual looking stones under the Christmas tree that my parents still haven't taken down. I hate Christmas trees. I dislike the lights, prickliness of the thorns, and that pungent scent. Most of all I hate what it symbolizes - happiness.
It turns out that Carlos also hate Christmas as much as I do. He rushes the Library Christmas tree, also still up for some stupid reason.
Marjorie has other ideas. She loves Christmas trees. She doesn't like The Flying Spaghetti Monster - which it turns out to be the alien Carlos is afraid of. Why do I have such weird friends. Friends that are now convincing me to chain my self to the library's Christmas tree?
The pursed lipped librarian looks even less impressed. Yup, no job for me.
But as the handcuffs click and Carlos tells me to "wait here" as he and Marjorie go somewhere, I wonder, are they really my friends? I contemplate this as my wrists begin to hurt, pulled back into an awkward position. I may just wait here for them to come back. I have a positive opinion on sitting around aimlessly. though I am somewhat perplexed by the fact that smoke is rising around me. I don't actually get afraid until the Christmas tree burst into flames behind me.
Of course.
Carlos yells, "This is it! They are attacking!"
And shur enough there is an alien spacecraft drifting in from the atmosphere shooting the roof of the library and firing lazer beams at the - now blazing - Christmas tree I'm still attached to. Hey, on the bright side, we'll get rid of the tree I hate. But on the other hand . . . I don't know how I feel about this. I wonder what it would be like to be related to aliens. I think the smoke is getting to me.
I recently found a few unusual looking stones under the Christmas tree that my parents still haven't taken down. I hate Christmas trees. I dislike the lights, prickliness of the thorns, and that pungent scent. Most of all I hate what it symbolizes - happiness.
It turns out that Carlos also hate Christmas as much as I do. He rushes the Library Christmas tree, also still up for some stupid reason.
Marjorie has other ideas. She loves Christmas trees. She doesn't like The Flying Spaghetti Monster - which it turns out to be the alien Carlos is afraid of. Why do I have such weird friends. Friends that are now convincing me to chain my self to the library's Christmas tree?
The pursed lipped librarian looks even less impressed. Yup, no job for me.
But as the handcuffs click and Carlos tells me to "wait here" as he and Marjorie go somewhere, I wonder, are they really my friends? I contemplate this as my wrists begin to hurt, pulled back into an awkward position. I may just wait here for them to come back. I have a positive opinion on sitting around aimlessly. though I am somewhat perplexed by the fact that smoke is rising around me. I don't actually get afraid until the Christmas tree burst into flames behind me.
Of course.
Carlos yells, "This is it! They are attacking!"
And shur enough there is an alien spacecraft drifting in from the atmosphere shooting the roof of the library and firing lazer beams at the - now blazing - Christmas tree I'm still attached to. Hey, on the bright side, we'll get rid of the tree I hate. But on the other hand . . . I don't know how I feel about this. I wonder what it would be like to be related to aliens. I think the smoke is getting to me.
CHAPTER FOUR
I look at Marjorie, who is staring at the sky Flying Spaghetti Monsters and their spacecraft everywhere. She looks transfixed as if her mind has permanently wandered. I assume she't thinking about the taste of the cinnamon. It's her favorite spice. She keeps it with her at all times, and holds the jar reassuringly to her nose even now. The smell of this moment would probably linger in her memory thirty years later as the scent of cinnamon and spaghetti sauce aliens buries deep into her psyche. Thirty years from now she will make a restaurant and create as sauce inspired by this moment. It's inception thirty years past. But she'll never be able to fully replicate it. It will never taste like her memory.
This is when I realize, I have to string out my memories, either using a wand like Dumbledore does, or creating a memory potion that will pull out memories into a tube.
Carlos screams, "Beat those aliens!" He's throwing library books from the new and notable section. They go up five feet in the air then flutter down feeding the fire which is creeping uncomfortably close to me. "We can do it!"
"But the aliens are my parents!" I scream back.
Marjorie just screams. I don't know if it's her memories or that she's finally afraid.
"That's why you're chained up!" Carlos yells. "You're bait."
"Wait!" I think I'm adopted."
Carlos looks at me like I'm pulling something, but my memories are flooding in. But if I'm human, and the aliens are my parents . . . then what about my siblings? My musings are cut short by anther blast from the parental figure alien #1. Which frees me.
My parental figure alien #1 beckons me to join it. I look to it, so absent in my life. Making me do all the work of raising the little kids. Not giving me any freedom while not being in my life either. I look to my friends, Marjorie who looks terrified and Carlos who looks not too different than usual - maybe a bit more sweaty. I have to choose a side! I have to do something soon! What if Carlos is right? What if he isn't crazy and working with the aliens isn't an option? But I've tried reasoning with them once - when I asked them for a plaid shirt for my birthday. They gave in that time. I can do it again!
Marjorie screams again.
Then I remember what the cop and the book. "Marjorie! Your cinnamon!
She chucks it to me and I hold it to the sky. "Mom! Dad! Stop. Go away! Leave this planet alone!" I look into their bulbous unblinking white eyes. They look at each other and move a tentacle towards the large red laser button. "Ahh, well, I didn't know them that well." I shrug and pitch the cinnamon up in the air. It splatters the spaceship and all the other Flying Spaghetti Monsters causing them to shriek and claw at their skin.
"Look! They're leaving!" Carlos cheers! "You did it!"
"Yay?" I say. I've saved my friends. I've saved the planet. But now I'll never be free of the little kids. Arg. Being a teenager is hard.
I straighten my sweater and smooth my hair, then walk over to the pursed lipped librarian. "Hey, that job still open?" I ask.
I look at Marjorie, who is staring at the sky Flying Spaghetti Monsters and their spacecraft everywhere. She looks transfixed as if her mind has permanently wandered. I assume she't thinking about the taste of the cinnamon. It's her favorite spice. She keeps it with her at all times, and holds the jar reassuringly to her nose even now. The smell of this moment would probably linger in her memory thirty years later as the scent of cinnamon and spaghetti sauce aliens buries deep into her psyche. Thirty years from now she will make a restaurant and create as sauce inspired by this moment. It's inception thirty years past. But she'll never be able to fully replicate it. It will never taste like her memory.
This is when I realize, I have to string out my memories, either using a wand like Dumbledore does, or creating a memory potion that will pull out memories into a tube.
Carlos screams, "Beat those aliens!" He's throwing library books from the new and notable section. They go up five feet in the air then flutter down feeding the fire which is creeping uncomfortably close to me. "We can do it!"
"But the aliens are my parents!" I scream back.
Marjorie just screams. I don't know if it's her memories or that she's finally afraid.
"That's why you're chained up!" Carlos yells. "You're bait."
"Wait!" I think I'm adopted."
Carlos looks at me like I'm pulling something, but my memories are flooding in. But if I'm human, and the aliens are my parents . . . then what about my siblings? My musings are cut short by anther blast from the parental figure alien #1. Which frees me.
My parental figure alien #1 beckons me to join it. I look to it, so absent in my life. Making me do all the work of raising the little kids. Not giving me any freedom while not being in my life either. I look to my friends, Marjorie who looks terrified and Carlos who looks not too different than usual - maybe a bit more sweaty. I have to choose a side! I have to do something soon! What if Carlos is right? What if he isn't crazy and working with the aliens isn't an option? But I've tried reasoning with them once - when I asked them for a plaid shirt for my birthday. They gave in that time. I can do it again!
Marjorie screams again.
Then I remember what the cop and the book. "Marjorie! Your cinnamon!
She chucks it to me and I hold it to the sky. "Mom! Dad! Stop. Go away! Leave this planet alone!" I look into their bulbous unblinking white eyes. They look at each other and move a tentacle towards the large red laser button. "Ahh, well, I didn't know them that well." I shrug and pitch the cinnamon up in the air. It splatters the spaceship and all the other Flying Spaghetti Monsters causing them to shriek and claw at their skin.
"Look! They're leaving!" Carlos cheers! "You did it!"
"Yay?" I say. I've saved my friends. I've saved the planet. But now I'll never be free of the little kids. Arg. Being a teenager is hard.
I straighten my sweater and smooth my hair, then walk over to the pursed lipped librarian. "Hey, that job still open?" I ask.
Slightly Evil Poetry Rainbow
by Reality Is Optional Kids Writing Club
Red
Red is as red as red
Red is the colour of my blood
#Dark as Magnus' heart
#Red is a colour
I like red because it reminds me of rubies
Shimmering in the low red candlelight
The red heat of fire keeps us warm . . .
Warmth!
Warm is evil
We love evil
The orange end of the fire is burning
the red of blood is dying
As we slowly parish in the red Earth
Never to be seen, ever.
Yellow
The colour of stars
The colour of the sun
The coulr of golden retrievers
Golden retrievers are friendly . . .
Friendly is evil
Long live evil
We love evil
Pink flowers are symbols of hope
Pink flowers are great
I like pink flowers!
Green
Green is the colour of limes
Limes are sour and better than lemons
Lemons are yellow and sour
Green is a tree colour
And a grass colour
We need trees . . .
Trees are evil
Long live evil
We love evil
The white life is invisible
never to be seen
The Black Death is lit
Why is the Black Death so much fun?
Because it gives people bubos.
Lime is what you see after the rain
The grass is what grows on my brain
Heh, I like lime
It rhymes with mine
Not really
Lime is like the smell of lime per-fume
It reminds me of home. Just like lime the fruit.
The rich clour of a like is not the same as the colour of lime.
But it is still nice.
Turquoise is the colour of water
Blue and green combine to create turquoise
The beautiful infinite ocean . . .
Will never have the white paper
The white paper will explode
Explosions are cool as pool
Pool is as cool as us
We are like the sea
Pooling together in a mass of people
Stuck together
Turquoise
Turquoise rhymes with tortoise
I like tortoise shells
Tortoises are tortusas
Tortoises are my favourite
They remind me of turtles swimming
In the River Stx
Turquoise is the sea, the river, the water
All the turquoise fish . . .
Fish are evil
Long live evil
We love evil
Woo-hoo!
Blue
Blue as the sea
Blue as me
I am blue
The sea is cold and unforgiving
I think the sea is blue
Blue is the sky but the clouds are white
The beautiful sky . . .
Will be black
but always loving
The green flag was green
Green stuff
Ha!
I'm green like the grass!
Purple
Purple is a good colour
But purple fruit is rare
Only plums . . .
Plums are evil
Long live evil
Evil is awesome
The red sea is dangerous
You won't come back
The purple fruit is not purple
Neither are hamsters
Hamsters need to fly like a juice box
Although hamsters are fat
Black
Black after the fire
The green grass is hecking green!!
Mind blowing
#Gothic all the way
It's the way Magnus dresses
#Black as a black cat
Black cats are frightning
Just sitting there staring
It scares me to think that they are human
Black is like halloween night.
Black is the end
Red is as red as red
Red is the colour of my blood
#Dark as Magnus' heart
#Red is a colour
I like red because it reminds me of rubies
Shimmering in the low red candlelight
The red heat of fire keeps us warm . . .
Warmth!
Warm is evil
We love evil
The orange end of the fire is burning
the red of blood is dying
As we slowly parish in the red Earth
Never to be seen, ever.
Yellow
The colour of stars
The colour of the sun
The coulr of golden retrievers
Golden retrievers are friendly . . .
Friendly is evil
Long live evil
We love evil
Pink flowers are symbols of hope
Pink flowers are great
I like pink flowers!
Green
Green is the colour of limes
Limes are sour and better than lemons
Lemons are yellow and sour
Green is a tree colour
And a grass colour
We need trees . . .
Trees are evil
Long live evil
We love evil
The white life is invisible
never to be seen
The Black Death is lit
Why is the Black Death so much fun?
Because it gives people bubos.
Lime is what you see after the rain
The grass is what grows on my brain
Heh, I like lime
It rhymes with mine
Not really
Lime is like the smell of lime per-fume
It reminds me of home. Just like lime the fruit.
The rich clour of a like is not the same as the colour of lime.
But it is still nice.
Turquoise is the colour of water
Blue and green combine to create turquoise
The beautiful infinite ocean . . .
Will never have the white paper
The white paper will explode
Explosions are cool as pool
Pool is as cool as us
We are like the sea
Pooling together in a mass of people
Stuck together
Turquoise
Turquoise rhymes with tortoise
I like tortoise shells
Tortoises are tortusas
Tortoises are my favourite
They remind me of turtles swimming
In the River Stx
Turquoise is the sea, the river, the water
All the turquoise fish . . .
Fish are evil
Long live evil
We love evil
Woo-hoo!
Blue
Blue as the sea
Blue as me
I am blue
The sea is cold and unforgiving
I think the sea is blue
Blue is the sky but the clouds are white
The beautiful sky . . .
Will be black
but always loving
The green flag was green
Green stuff
Ha!
I'm green like the grass!
Purple
Purple is a good colour
But purple fruit is rare
Only plums . . .
Plums are evil
Long live evil
Evil is awesome
The red sea is dangerous
You won't come back
The purple fruit is not purple
Neither are hamsters
Hamsters need to fly like a juice box
Although hamsters are fat
Black
Black after the fire
The green grass is hecking green!!
Mind blowing
#Gothic all the way
It's the way Magnus dresses
#Black as a black cat
Black cats are frightning
Just sitting there staring
It scares me to think that they are human
Black is like halloween night.
Black is the end